From Then to Now
Damion Hamilton
“Now are you really going Tony—don’t have me waiting, If you are not going—I know how you are.”
“Yeah, I’m really going.”
“Whenever I go over there all he ever talks about is seeing you—it would mean so much to him if he saw you. You all used to be best friends; I don’t know what happened?
“Oh, people change—that’s all. You know how that is. Do you still have the same friends now that you had when you were a kid?
“Well, no but... it was different with you guys—I mean you were so close. You guys were always running around with each other and playing and wrestling and you used to always spend the weekend over his parents house, and he used to come over here.”
“Yeah, I know Annie, that’s why I find it hard to believe, that he spent all that time in jail. When you are a little kid—who ever thinks that they will end up in jail someday. And all the stories you guys tell me about him shooting this person, and robbing that person, and being hooked on dope. He just sounds so different now; I don’t know if I’ll be able to recognize him. I don’t know—you’ve seen him. Does he seem any different?”
“Well, he still looks the same.”
“I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about....”
“You’ll have to see for yourself. That’s why you going ain cha?”
“Yeah”
“Don’t worry about it—everything will be fine. He’s not bitter or anything about being in jail, if that’s what you’re worrying about. Well, I got to go to work, before I’m late. Drive home after work, and I’ll pick you up, and we’ll go there together. You’ll be glad you went. Now I’ve got to go—see you later.”
Tony hung up the phone. He couldn’t believe that he was going to go through with this. His sister just started talking so fast, with a pleasant voice, and all of the sudden he had agreed to do something that really did not want to do. Or maybe he did want to see his friend, which is why he agreed. His sister had asked him plenty of times previously, but he always said no. Let the past be left in the past. Why couldn’t people let their past go? Why was there a need to go back and dig things up? After all, it had been over ten years since he had last seen his friend, and lately he had been thinking about his old friend a lot. Would he still sound the same, look the same, walk in the same manner, and who knows if he would ever get this chance again.
Sweet memories of childhood forced themselves upon him, and he remembered playing laughing talking wrestling and just doing nothing with his friends for hours; so many of his days were spent like this, and when one is very young, one thinks these sort of days will last forever. But aw, they go away within a couple of years, and one finds new friends and new interests; and these things seem just as interesting and exciting as the old interests and things. And this is what happened with Tony and Myron.
After being friends through most of their childhood—Tony began thinking about his future, which was so near to him at the time, and he withdrew into himself around the age of sixteen. He had so many dreams: he wanted to be a boxer, a professional wrestler, or a movie star— something thrilling and glamorous. So he began working towards his goal, by training and lifting weights for hours upon the day. He lost track of all his friends including Myron, and his grades suffered from his obsession, but he kept an eye on his friend.
Meanwhile Myron, who was a couple of years younger, than he was, began to discover new old friends while he was beginning high school, and these newer friends were a haven for some of the more darker passions of youth. While he was with his new set of friends he discovered sex, drugs, brawling, and the narcotic like euphoria that comes along with these vices. With drugs he was able to obtain money, and with money came pretty girls, and with money and women came street fame, and with this sort of fame comes jealousy, which leads to fights and shootings. So he joined a street gang, and they protected him. He had been in and out of jail for drug dealing and shootings. And after awhile, he began using the drugs more than he was selling them, his appearance began to suffer, and he began to sink into ennui and despair. He began brooding over the choices he made in life, and also his friends from childhood—all he thought were doing better in life than he; even though he did not know this, he sunk deeper into despair ennui, and drug use. When the cost of his habit escalated he began robbing gas stations, and got caught one night serving time in prison for a couple of years. And now he was out, and he became sentimental abut some of his old childhood friends, and Tony was one of the ones he was curious about.
All day long, at work Tony kept thinking about the meeting, he was supposed to have with his former friend that night. And he still wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to go through with it— he could always cancel at the last minute, like he did so many other times with other things. Perhaps his friend hadn’t changed at all, and he was still the warm-hearted, fun, charming kid he remembered him to be. He was always so extroverted, all the people in the neighborhood seemed to love him: old women, young women, old men, babies, cats and dogs. They all seemed to love him. What a lovely smile he had—my how Tony envied that smile. No one expected him to be robbing and shooting people and doing drugs when he grew up. Tony was in a daze for most of the day, and some of the workers began watching him, and asked him was he okay, and he said yes. There was no way to tell anyone all the thoughts and feelings that were flowing through him; he just wished the workday would move slower. He wanted to ponder all the possible outcomes of this meeting he was dreading so much.
He came home later that day, his sister was already waiting for him, and he didn’t really want to see her so soon. He was tired, sore and dazed from work that he just wanted to convalescce in a room alone. But she greeted him with a smile—which suggested that everything was going to be all right, and informed him that she wanted to get there early, so that they could leave early. It was a weeknight after all, and everyone had to get up and go to work in the morning, including Myron, who had found a job in a bottle factory, since he had been out of jail.
The commute did not take very long, Myron’s parents house was only about ten minutes away on the highway, and it took about fifteen minutes to get from their house to the interstate; while Annie played the radio the whole time and even began to dance and sing to the music. She was in a very good mood, while Tony just looked out of the window and brooded over the upcoming scene. A few times he wanted to ask her to turn back around, and make up an excuse for not being able to make it. But he would look at his sister, and notice how content and ebullient she was, and this would set him at ease slightly. She had the windows from the car rolled half way down, so that the wind was blowing in his face and through his hair, and the sound of the engine and the other engines from the other cars, and the sound of tires rolling along the road, almost lulled him to sleep. But when they hit the exit ramp off the highway, this was when he started to feel anxious again. Even though, he had ridden down this exit ramp hundreds of times before, though he hadn’t ridden down it recently. His dad used to give him rides down there, to see his friend. And how anxious, yet happy he used to feel in those bygone days of childhood. How different he felt, this day. He breathed the ominous air through his nostrils, and felt the ominous air move through his lungs.
When they arrived at the house, Myron’s mother was there— she was a very kind and gregarious woman, who was always smiling. He was happy to see her, because she made him feel as if she was his mother, and if she had anything to eat in the house she would always offer it without reluctance. She gave him a very lively hug, and while she was hugging him, he looked around to see if he could see Myron—but he didn’t see him. She noticed him looking around, and told him Myron was in the basement. Tony had wondered how he would be received by Ms. Anderson, considering that he hadn’t heard or spoken to her over ten years. And after all the things that had happened to Myron, he wondered if he thought he had abandoned him, and thus was at least partially responsible perhaps, for some of things that had happened to him. But on the surface level he could not tell if she was harboring any malevolent feelings towards him, with her nature, it was very difficult to tell. She belonged to a type that could conceal just about anything with a bright smile and a laugh. He had noticed this when he was a little kid, when she used to take the boys places. She would suffer people even if she did not like them very much, bring out that beaming smile, and a laugh, and with that charm she would welcome a person with welcome arms; and then when that person left, it was, “oh, I can not stand ms. Such and such, she such a phony.” So with her nature it was very hard to tell.
She asked him about the usual stuff: jobs, girls, how tall he had gotten and schools. He had to inform her that he was not in school any longer... that it didn’t work out. Then there was a brief pause, and she and Annie began talking about clothes, jewelry, Annie’s plans with her boyfriend, television and the latest gossip in the neighborhood. He began to feel terribly bored listening to her speak, or if he watched the images on television, he felt his eyes start to close and he felt himself going to sleep. Ms. Anderson noticed this, and figured that he was probably anxious to see Myron, which was not the case— he was hoping to hold off seeing him. But she called him up, from the basement, after she called him three times, he answered, and they heard his feet pounding against the wooden staircase. Then the door opened and he saw his friend.
Tony glanced at him with a smile on his face, and all the while, he was hoping his smile looked genuine, and not feigned. But he was analyzing his friend, not really knowing if he should smile or look very grave. His friend hadn’t changed very much; he still looked very young. The young men made eye contact, and he noticed Myron was smiling through his mouth, but the expression in his eyes seemed quite serious. They hugged and Tony told him how happy he was to finally see him. Then they started talking about each other’s appearance and about how they changed during the years. They were able to keep the conversation going like this for a few minutes—Very light. Myron seemed to be in a good mood, but Tony was rather uneasy. He didn’t really know what to say to him: he wanted to ask him about his prison time, and to see what that experience was like; but figured that they would eventually get to that subject. But for now, he had to be patient. Ms. Anderson helped him out, and made sure the conversation stayed light: hairstyles, clothing, girls, television, food, and the weather, what was playing in the movie theatres. She was the type of person, who could make the inconsequential seem very interesting. At this moment, he loved Ms. Anderson very much, and as the evening moved along, he began to think about his friend being in prison less and more about being in the prescience of his old friend, who was still charming as he was during childhood, but one thing bothered Tony: it seemed as if his innocence or naivete had been lost, and the natural good natured had been contrived. Myron was doing his best to flatter Annie. He always admitted to Tony that he had a crush on his sister; but while it seemed cute while they were children, it took on a disturbing aspect now that they were adults, and knowing what Myron had been through.
They sat down and watched television and talked and laughed for some time. Then Annie suggested that they should order a pizza, and everyone thought that was a good idea, because there wasn’t any food in the house. And one couldn’t have a party without food, so they waited for that to arrive, then people began to run out of things to say. So the room was very quiet, and everyone stared at the television screen, without saying very much to each other. During those moments, there was a tense and anxious ambiance in the room. Everyone began staring at each other, when they presumed the others person was not looking. It was assumed that everyone was just waiting for the pizza to arrive, but it was really something else everybody was waiting for.
Myron suggested that they play cards and to stir everyone up. Everyone except Tony thought this was a good idea—he didn’t know how to play cards, but he figured if it was what everyone wanted to do—then he must comply. He told everyone that he did not know how to play cards, so Myron offered to teach him. He had become quite a good card player while incarcerated, and he was eager to teach his old friend. Tony wasn’t so eager to learn, though—how could people play cards for hours, it seemed so boring to him? But he figured he’d smile and let Myron show him how the game went. Myron went on giving him the instructions to the game, and showing what each character represented and how powerful they were on the card. He was speaking rather quickly, so Tony had a difficult time following everything that was being said. He was thinking how awful it must have been for him serving time in prison and doing stuff like: playing cards and lifting weights or working for days and weeks, and not being able to leave one’s surroundings—just being trapped there. How awful it seemed to him. He had a hard time concentrating on the game, so he made mistake after mistake, and whenever he made one, everyone began laughing; he hated playing the role of a clown. Myron had to show him how to hold his cards, to get a better grip on the cards, and not let his opponents get a glance of his hand. Tony tried and tried, but he couldn’t get his grip right; and he made mistake after mistake, and everybody at the table was laughing at him. He felt like a child, or an idiot or something at the table with a bunch of adults. And he looked across the table, and saw his sister, who was laughing the hardest at him, and he wanted to slap her or hide under the table—away from everyone’s smiling and laughing face. He was glad that everyone was laughing though, it made everyone stay in the moment; but it was everyone against him, so he felt like quitting and walking out the door. It had been a long day at work, so he was tired and dazed, and couldn’t really focus on what was going on with the card game. He looked across the table at his sister, whom he really loathed at the moment, as if to say he knew things would not go very well—and after all, she was laughing at him the hardest. But after a moment, the laughter subsided, and Myron began asking him questions about himself and began answering them. He told him working at a library full time, and when he wasn’t doing this, he was reading books or writing movie scripts or plays. His sister told him that he was always reading books, and that he was a real, “bookworm” then everyone began laughing again, and Myron Said, “you must have read every book in the library.” Then everyone laughed harder, the Tony began to feel really uncomfortable, because he was the only one in the room who read literature, and people who didn’t read themselves, tended to resent that. Then Ms. Anderson asked him did he read Stephen King or Tom Clancy, and this seemed like a joke to him, only she was in earnest. So he said that he read them, “every once in a while,” but the truth was he loathed these popular novelists, and couldn’t understand why people read such things. But he didn’t want to say this, in order not to appear “snobbish.”
Then Myron remarked that while he was in prison he had read every book that he could get his hands on. “Big thick, books,” he said to impress his friend. But Tony didn’t believe this, because if he read a great deal that it wouldn’t have mattered whether the book was thin or fat, some greatest books ever written have been thin books. And wouldn’t name any of the books he had read or any of the authors. In this he recognized something of the old street hustler in his friend, and this alarmed him.
Tony couldn’t get a hold of the game, so Myron became frustrated and told him he could just watched them play and he was glad about that. He could just daydream and not worry about what was going on, and just let time pass. The women began to talk to each other more about their children, relationships, women stuff, etc. Myron began to grow bored because he was winning all the hands, and didn’t really have any competition. And the incessant chattering of the women were beginning to annoy him. Tony felt sentimental, he remember all the times they used to go out on the back porch, when they were kids, just to be alone and to talk, and get away from the adults. And they were free to talk about anything they wanted to talk about, without the watchful eye of a guardian. It was strange moment, were he felt that he was a kid again, and all the things that had happened in their young lives didn’t really happen: they didn’t go through puberty, they didn’t try drugs, they were ever women, and Myron didn’t go to jail. It seemed that way... for a moment
It was a crisp autumn night, and one could see the full moon shining low in the sky, it didn’t seem so far away, dogs were barking in intervals, one heard the neighborhood kids yelling from blocks away. Everything seemed the same as twelve years ago. Tony kept looking, studying his friend.
“See I’m the same person I am, when were kids. I haven’t changed at all,” Myron said.
“I know you still looked the same.”
“Say, why haven’t you been over in such a long time.”
“I don’t know man, I just got caught up in going school and working, I wished I hadda come you to see you all more often.”
“That’s go okay man, say what are you studying in college.”
“I’m studying Criminal Justice.”
“ Aw man, you’re going to be a cop.”
“ Nah, probably not, I was just studying it because, I didn’t know what else to do. It seemed pretty interesting. But I don’t want to be cop; cops have to defend laws they know very little about. And I don’t agree with a lot of laws. By taking those classes you learn how wicked the system is. I can’t defend that. I don’t really know what I want to do now.”
“Yeah, believe me, I know how wicked the system can be.”
“I know what have you been up to— I’ve heard things.”
“Nothing much, I just been getting caught up in a lot of stuff. It started with high school and getting into fights with people, and getting kick out of school. Then selling drugs and one thing leads to another and you end up in jail, or on drugs.
“A lot of people find that sort of life exciting.”
“Yeah, its exciting making money and buying new clothes and cars. I bought so many cars when I was selling, you used to wreck cars and get new ones. Used to run from the cops—they were always after you, and they know you sell drugs. We used to go to clubs and buy the bar out and drink all night, and then leave with prettiest girls.”
“Wow, sounds way more exciting then my life.”
“Yeah, but it’s not. I’ve wished I had done what you did. I just got caught in the streets. You know, I didn’t have to get into this life. I had a family and a roof over my head; I didn’t grow up hard. I just got into the street life for excitement. Now, I think that I have had too much excitement... you get caught up in things.
“Like what?”
“Drugs?”
“Drugs—I didn’t know you used them, I thought you were just selling them.”
“Well, you guys were not around, my friends, and I wasn’t in school or working or anything. I just had a lot time to do nothing. And than I got hooked on them. We always made fun of drug addicts when were kids—I didn’t think I would become one. Life is so unpredictable. But I’m trying to stay off that stuff—it’s hard though. But I was able to kick heroin while I was in jail.”
“How did you end up in jail?”
“Somebody snitched on me—the first time I went in, it was for a murder— something I had to do, for my boys.”
“Murder?”
A look of horror spread along the plains of Tony’s face. The features of his friend’s face seemed a lot harder to him now.
“Yeah, but you know, I’m not a bad person, or animal or nothing. You know that—I ain’t no serial killer or nothing. It’s just something you gotta do for your boys—your gang. Me—I’ve never really been into gangbanging, I just been into making money on the streets. I did a little bit of gangbanging in high school— we used to get into fights with our enemies and used to just punch them out until our hands bled. Look at this.”
He showed Tony the calluses on his knuckles, which scared and enlarged.
“That comes from all the fights I used go get in to. I remember I stomped this kid so bad, he was bleeding all over floor. One time, I hit this kid with a baseball bat and knocked him out, I was so mad.”
Tony looked over at his friend and couldn’t believe how nonchalant he was being as he relayed these things to him. His friend, he seemed older now, than he had noticed earlier in the night. The eyes seemed dimmer, yet more fierce, he spoke in the jerky rhythms of a street hustler. As he listened to him, he noticed that the “child thing” had just about vanished from his friend. All the wonder and curiosity about the world, such as geniuses and children have, had left him. He was a street hustler now, and lived his life according to the circumstances, which presented themselves upon him. He became bored listening to his friend talking about his experiences. There was a huge gulf between them now, and it was more spiritual than physical. He had high hopes when they first went outside, he had expected to get back some of past from childhood. But he had failed. What was lost could not be recovered again. I suppose, Thomas Wolfe was right when he said, “you can’t go home again.” And Tony suffered this bitterly.
His sister came out, and told them they would be leaving soon, because she had to get up and go to work in the morning. And Tony was relieved, because he felt as if he was in the presence of a stranger now, a phantom now, which resembled a beloved personality from his past. They exchanged numbers, and told each other that they would keep in touch. But neither one of them meant it, it was just something who had to say to people who you were once affectionate to.
The walk from the porch to the car was strange, because he remembered when he as a young boy, how he used to always hate leaving his friend, and wished they were brothers and lived together. Now, he just wanted to get in the car. He felt very sad, but he was glad he came to see him, and to cherish, and to bury something precious from the past. Something that could not be had again.
