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The Heinous Penis Prescriptions

Don Maurer

    Norman Vincent Schlemiel entered the drug store joining the buzzing, serpentine line slithering its way to the pharmacist. “I can’t believe this,” he mused. “How could this happen to me. Driven to such desperate straits over something so natural.” He paused for a moment. “Great! Wouldn’t you know it. Everyone in town’s here. Customers fore and aft. He cringed at the thought that some of his alpha neighbors would catch him in flagrante making such a purchase. “I’ll become a laughing stock.” And he did.
    Two teeners ahead of Norman brought him out of a troubled reverie.
    “Aren’t those sex ads in magazines and TV a hoot?” Edna exclaimed loudly to her buddy Crystal. She paused dramatically: “A look. A glance. A gesture. A sigh. Don’t let this precious moment pass you by. Oh yuck!”
    “They’re not exactly sex ads Edna. More than half of all men over 40 have some degree of erectile dysfunction. ED to us.”
    “ED! You mean they’re players with short bats,” Edna replied. “Not our problem. Were not dating 40 year old dudes.”
    “This is awful,” Norman said to himself. “I don’t need this now.”
    Crystal warmed to the task. “ED’s where the penis doesn’t fill with enough blood to produce an erection to do the deed. Some medications help increase blood flow to the penis providing an erection satisfactory for sexual activity.”
    “Serves these dudes right,” Crystal responded. “Been brow beating us with penis envy ever since.”
    Norman vainly wished for the teeners to go away. Disappear. “How do these kids know this stuff? Wasn’t that way years ago when they couldn’t even recognize a condom.” Norman suffered a momentary hot flash recalling a youthful Christmas drama festival.
    “The good news,” Crystal opined, “is that some form of sexual stimulation is needed for an erection to occur.”
    “That’s pretty hard Crystal,” Edna replied with an unintended play on words.
    “Be still my beating heart! We’re still players in the game,” Crystal fired back.
    By this time Norman was seriously considering leaving the pharmacy. Fortunately the girls stopped talking as they reached the pharmacist. Handing over their prescriptions they couldn’t wait to continue twittering. When their prescriptions were filled, they moved off to the side of the buzzing line.
    Norman finally came to the head of the line. The pharmacist Hector Cannabis boomed: “What can I do for you today Mr. Schlemiel?”
    Norman didn’t appreciate this extra attention. Still he depended heavily on Mr. Cannabis’s discretion for the days mission. Today was Norman’s and Sandra’s 20^th wedding anniversary.
    No one could fault Sandra’s get up and go. On the other hand Norman’s get up and go, had gone out and went, if there was ever any to be had. Sandra had been over heard saying: “Norman ain’t what he used to be.” In fact Norman had never been what he used to be except in his own mind. “Had to do some thing to make things right. He recalled that old saying: “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that zing.” Surely Sandy was looking for that zing.
    “Mr. Cannabis,” Norman softly addressed him. “Could we keep this down a bit. I feel kind of funny discussing this situation in front of strangers,” pointing to the terrible teeners and others behind him.
    “Certainly Mr. Schlemiel,” Hector softened his tone. “No one’s business but ours. What seems to be the trouble?”
    Plagued by a life time of embarrassing situations Norman managed to muster his resolve. “Last night Mrs. Schlemiel and I celebrated our 20^th wedding anniversary.”
    “Why that’s wonderful,” Hector effusively exclaimed. “Congratulations Mr. Schlemiel. An admirable and remarkable milestone on the challenging journey of life.”
    Norman was uncomfortable with Hector’s unsolicited praise because the anniversary hadn’t produced any notable high notes. “I couldn’t please Mrs. Schiemel the way I’d like to.”
    “Ah yes! Mr. Schiemiel. I’m sure we can put our fingers on the problem. Not to worry. More common than people realize or acknowledge. Sounds like. ED. Yes. Let me assure you, I’ll do anything I can to get you discretely through this medical challenge. Nothing to be ashamed of.” Norman was heartened to hear Hector’s reassurance about privacy.
    “Medical science is working for you, doing all it can supporting safe and sane sex,” Hector affirmed. The latter paused a moment. “Perhaps you’re trying too hard.
    Maybe a little Mary Jane might put both of you in a more relaxed and conducive mood.”
    “I thought you needed a doctor’s prescription to use that stuff for medical purposes,” Norman surprisingly rebutted.
     “I’m almost a doctor,” Hector confidently exclaimed. “I know more about drugs than they do. And this is a medical purpose. Your own peace of mind.”
    “But isn’t it against our state law?”
    “It will soon be legal,” Hector quickly reassured Norman. “It’s presently going through the state’s judiciary system.” Hector was blowing more than blow here. “Still several medications come to mind. But there are some matters we should discuss.”
    Some how Edna and Crystal overheard Hector’s comments which served as chum for their attention. Norman sensed the pressure of people behind him pushing up more closely to hear what Mr. Cannabis was going to say. He nearly dropped his teeth when he recognized Ms. Ana Conda and Ms. Schutz Staffel. “In all the pharmacies in all the land how could this be,” he lamented to himself. “What’s the probability that these two nemeses from the past would be in the same drug store in the same line and time as I was.”
    “Mr. Schlemiel these medications can not be purchased over the counter but require a physician’s prescription.” This from a guy who earlier was illegally pushing Mary Jane.
    Norman was unaware of this but wasn’t surprised. Nothing about this emerging nightmare was going to be easy. Bile gathered in his throat. He barely refrained from vomiting.
    Cannabis continued. “These medications do not cure ED. Nor are they hormones or aphrodisiacs.”
    “What’s an aphrodisiac?” Edna asked Crystal drawing more attention than Norman liked.
    “A drug or agent that heightens sexual desire,” the latter loudly replied.
    “How do these kids know this stuff,” Norman mused. “We barely managed to convince them to play spin the bottle.”
    “Ah! Mr. Schlemiel. Can I have your attention. A few more things you should know.”
    “Sorry Mr. Cannabis. I’m a little distracted with how things are going here.”
    “Ana. Can you believe this?” Ms. Staffel queried. “Norman Vincent Schiemiel’s in line ahead of us. Unless I misheard, he’s been diagnosed for ED and is seeking medication for his condition.”
    “Oh Schutz this is too good to be true. That dirty little boy became a dirty middle aged man. His poor wife. Imagine having your husband going to a druggist begging publicly for help with failure to perform. Serves him right. I’ll never forgive him for what he did at that Christmas drama festival.”
    “Give it up Ana. That was more than 20 years ago. Let’s enjoy today’s show care of Mr. Norman Schlemiel.” Ana reluctantly yielded to her friend’s admonition.
    “In some instances Mr. Schlemiel your physician may tell you not to engage in sexual activity because of other health related problems.” Hector was really enjoying this. “If this is the case, then these medications can not be prescribed.”
    “I don’t have other health problems,” Norman firmly asserted. “No reason why I can’t benefit from these medications.”
    Not so quietly Ana said to Schutz. “I’ll bet Sandra Schlemiel thinks so too.”
    “As if his name isn’t bad enough. She’s probably keeping her fingers crossed so that something can be done about her husband’s lame performances.”
    “You’re really bagging on old Norman here,” Schutz responded “No slack for that wicked boy.”
    “Edna did you hear what those two ladies said about Mr. Schlemiel? Must be some kind of history between these folks. Kind of hard imagining these dudes getting it on having a good time.”
    “God! I’m coming down with one of my legendary Exedrin headaches thinking about growing old as they are,” Crystal offered.
    “Mr. Schlemiel we have to address side effects from these medications,” Hector continued.
    “Side effects,” he gulped. “No one told me there’d be side effects. What kinds of side effects are we talking about here?”
    “With Cialis you may incur headache, indigestion, back pain, muscle aches, flushing and stuffy or runny nose.”
    “Well that doesn’t sound so bad,” Norman gamely allowed. “I can handle those.”
    “However, for completeness sake I’m obliged to caution you about allergic reactions,” Hector finished.
    “Allergic reactions like what?” Norman uncharacteristically challenged.
    “Rash, hives, swelling of the lips, tongue or throat, breathing or swallowing.”
    “Well I’ve always heard that the next breath you take is the most important one.”
    Cannabis looked at Norman with some concern. This non-sequitur almost stopped him in his tracks. “The ones I cited are possible side effects,” Hector hastened to inform Norman. “There’s a whole host of uncommon but serious side effects.”
    “Serious side effects. You did say serious?”
    “Yes indeed,” Hector calmly offered since he wasn’t the one considering the medications.
    “Just what-serious-side-effects-would that be?” Norman firmly asked.
    “A sudden decrease or loss of vision or hearing, sometimes with ringing in the ears and dizziness.”
    “Cialis doesn’t seem to be the right fit for me. Do you have anything else which might do the job?’
    “Oh! Silly me of course Viagra.”
    “That’s the one they advertise with two people sitting naked side by side in their own bath tub.”
    “The very same,” Hector confirmed.
    “Kind of a strange setting of togetherness if you ask me,” Norman opined. “So anything I should know about Viagra?”
    “Common side effects are headache, feeling flushed, upset stomach, blurred vision, eyes more sensitive to light, sudden decrease or loss of hearing.”
    “Mr. Cannibis the list of side effects for Viagra sounds very similar to Cialis.”
    “Now that you mention it. Yes they do. Don’t they though.”
    Norman’s confidence with his druggist was flagging. “Let me get this straight. In order to correct and manage ED there are two medications I can choose from. Cialis and Viagra. But the side effects for both are very similar and down right serious with loss of vision or hearing. Frankly Mr. Cannabis this is not very encouraging. The cure’s worse than the disease. Would you risk these side effects?”
    “Well Mr. Schlemiel. You’re not me,” Hector smugly said. “I don’t have trouble in this area, if you know what I mean. The decision’s entirely yours. Balls in your court. Oops! Bad metaphor. Either a lifetime of frustrating ED or experiencing some potential mild discomfort associated with either medication.”
    “One side effect I omitted to cite is that having an erection lasting more than four hours could lead to long-term loss of potency.” To himself. “Schlemiel’s probably
    lucky to last four good minutes. Annual trips to Lourdes wouldn’t help him.”
    “You think swelling of the throat, breathing or swallowing is mild discomfort? Sounds life threatening to me.”
    “No one said anything about life threatening side effects associated with these medications. I’m sure Mrs. Schlemiel would appreciate your consideration here.”
    Ana Conda had been hovering over this exchange. “Schutz this is better than the soaps.” “Will Norman Schlemiel take the ED treatment and rush home to passionately pleasure his wife or will he elect to decline the magic pill, finding peace with the world and himself in a celibate life?”
    “Ana you’re scaring me,” Schutz seriously stated. “You know. I think you’ve got a thing about Schlemiel. You never got over that Trojan incident.” Ana just glared back at Staffel.
    Edna turned to Crystal. “Did you hear what that lady just said to her friend?’
    “Yeah. Something about a giant Trojan,” Crystal said. “Maybe this ED business is more serious than we thought. Anyway. Don’t really care about Mr. Schlemiel’s ED problem or possible deformed penis. I’m more concerned about Mrs. Schlemiel who’s stuck with her limp wrist husband.”
    Crystal grinned mischievously. “I know. She should go on one of those adult fantasy cruise lines. That’s where passengers assume the roles of famous people living out their fantasies. I hear the Italian and Greek Euro-tours are the hottest ones with nymphs and satyrs, gods and goddesses running amuck.”
    “Better reconsider the Italian line. Their GPS systems don’t work so well. And stay away from the Carefree Cruise Line. Their toilets don’t work well either.
    “Still some cordial, lively male companionship might perk Mrs. S. up,” Crystal persisted. “Then if Mr. S. fails to perform. Dump him.”
    “Cold Crystal. Cold.”
    The cacophony of conversations about his ED swarmed around Schlemiel. Images of talking heads – Cannabis, Conda, Crystal, Edna, and Staffel, flashed in front of him. Never in his wildest dreams had he anticipated a day like this exclusively featuring his inability to have an erection. The sins of the father visited on the son. He mused. “Who in their right mind would trade a whole host of side effects and some uncommon serious ones for a few moments of bliss? If I had known now what I’ve learned about ED, I’d spared myself this unholy odyssey. Wonder what Sandy’s going to make of all this?”

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