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Bright Eyes

Drew Nacht

Staring at the coffin
all I can picture is the beloved watch on her wrist
It was like the numbers were changed to reflect the letters in her name,
the face of the watch was her heartbeat
time, the real time, that objective menace, was incidental to her journey

She couldn’t give me what I wanted,
needed,
only what she wanted to give me and then pat herself on the back
for doing so...
sarcasm always informing my thoughts when her selfishness enveloped me:
not everyone can climb Mount Everest,
it takes desire, technique, tenacity,
I was always better off with her,
like the victims of Auschwitz were better off with their captors-
better to die with someone there then die alone.
Thank God she wasn’t well adjusted, and so on.

A rested heart, please God, I used to plead into the silence
all those wasted dreams of medicinally inspired peace,
I used to dream of dropping anxiety pills into her mouth as she slept-
her active intelligence telling her she needed something
but just the thought of it was tragically enough for her,
Drew, I want to be all there, not dulled,
on cue I would roll my eyes
and then the earth would quake and spin, violently.
I always held on as tightly as I could, preaching reason and calmness
but even the axis of the earth was no match for her crushingly loud angst and pain-
It seared through me with jet pulpulsion and I would get hurled into the darkest part of her soul.
In the beginning I fought with all of my might
like a baby fighting its way out of the womb
but gesticulating arms and legs could not free me from her terror-womb
and then you stop.
You stop fighting and remember to breathe.
Now, it’s a waiting game,
It’s like watching a monkey in the zoo, I used to say.
I, the stronger animal, waited to pounce in the tall grass,
pounce on normalcy on blessed reason on temporary peace.
The pouncing always felt anti-climactic though,
I simply got to return home and resume my life.

If I could only change the math, I used to say,
unreasonable behavior + self-preservation – the wedding vows = happiness
but the truth always got in the way.
I always wanted to die the hero even if aboard the titanic
and I could not deny it, I knew I married the titanic.
The universe stopped when I looked into her eyes for the very first time,
they were dancing in pain,
a perfect reflection of human life,
I wanted that inside of me-
I had been suffering from a self-induced, soulful boredom, a life numbed by pain,
I had banality and reason and civility to kill-
I wanted her to do it.

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