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You, Me and Scho

Michael Hoag

    Michael left the dock, walked by the shops to the shore light past the Grand Hotel and up the steep road to the Green where the summer people lived.
    “Hey Ed. The Hedge looks good.”
    “Hey Michael. Yeah. I’ve been working on rounding out this brutal transitional area.”
    “It looks softer than last year...more innate.”
    “I didn’t stretch a string line this year.”
    “Is Audrey home?”
    “Nope. Scho’s here.”
    “And you’re still painting the porch.”
    “Yup.”
    “The grass needs cutting Ed.”
    “Scho’s rotaed to grass cutting and porch painting. I’m rotaed to the hedge. We can put you on the cleaning and broken things rota.”
    “I’m here on vacation Ed.”
    “Just listen to my rota. Audrey’s house is a two-staff job set for one and a half days: today the Hedge, this afternoon and tomorrow the porch, then the party and the clean up that night. Now we have three staff with you, me and Scho and this two-staff job will take only take a day and a half. We won’t have to do any work until tonight.”
    “I’ll be gone by then Ed.”
    “Oh, definitely. Audrey said no visitors.”
    “Does Audrey still have you in the barn?”
    “We’re restricted to the barn. The house and porch are off limits. If you’re on the porch you must have a paint brush in hand. That was Audrey’s orders. Here’s your paint brush.”
    “Is the stove on?”
    “The stove and water’s on. Audrey pre-paid the bills.”
    “Oh that was smart. Audrey hated all those disconnections last year.”
    “Even delivery was disconnected...and delivery is gratis with paid orders.”
    “We had to walk for our beer.”
    “Yeah...every morning...that was miserable.”
    “Scho is the overseer this year. He oversees the food, the visitors holding paint brushes, the rota, the breakages and the toilet paper.”
    “Audrey ordered me to oversee Ed,” said Scho.
    “You have paper?”
    “Audrey bought crates of paper with instructions.”
    “Oh that was smart. You should have made up a story to cover those missing towels last year.”
    “I did but Audrey found the evidence in the garbage piles. This year we’re hiding the garbage.”
    “Where are you hiding it?”
    “In the Hedge.”
    “You aren’t very good at hiding stuff Ed. I can see the bags sticking out over there.”
    “That’s our garbage staging area for the real hiding place in the Hedge.”
    “And the bags in the kitchen?”
    “We just haven’t taken the garbage out today.”
    “And all the garbage in the sink by the back door?”
    “We’ve got to bag that stuff yet.”
    “It’s blocking the door Ed.”
    “It’s just a back door. Hey Scho here is going to be a godparent.”
    “Really. Is Sam having a baby?”
    “Yup.”
    “Are you going to baby-sit and do diapers?”
    “Yeah. Scho. Good godparents always do the diapering.”
    “Diapering? What if I put the diaper on wrong?”
    “I’ve never heard of anyone hurting a baby with a diaper Scho.”
    “Yeah, but I don’t know how to clean a baby.”
    “You cleaned up Ed after that bathroom incident last summer?”
    “Yes. That was very good practice for taking care of babies.”
    “I could have taken care of myself.”
    “No you couldn’t,” said Scho and Michael together.
    “I’m accountable.”
    “Yeah who ordered twenty gallons of Naples Yellow oil paint Ed?”
    “Audrey told me to get that stuff.”
    “You should have known she’d change her mind.”
    “Of course I knew she was going to change her mind.”
    “Well, why did you go and get it?”
    “She would have killed me if I hadn’t gone and got it.”
    “She sure yelled at you when you got it.”
    “Well. Of course she did. I knew she would.”
    “That sure was dumb Ed.”
    “I still don’t know how to diaper,” said Scho.
    “You just cover the butt Scho.”
    “And the front part too?”
    “The front part too.”
    “How do you cover a front part?”
    “Get a piece of cloth and I’ll show you.”
    “How about a towel”
    “A towel’ll work.”
    Scho ran off.
    “Your hair got longer Michael,” said Ed.
    “I’m letting it go to see how it feels.”
    “Here’s five towels and a screw driver,” said Scho.
    “Your towels are too big. Rip it down here and here and it’ll be okay. Now, look. You first lay the thing out and fold it here and here. Is Sam using cloth?”
    “I don’t know anything about cloth.”
    “Yeah, I’m sure Sam’s using cloth. Now look. You put the baby here, fold the front and clip it.”
    “Okay.”
    “Look. The legs go through here and the butt’s here.”
    “Okay.”
    “Do you think you can do it now?”
    “I don’t think I can do it.”
    “We need a baby. Ed. Come here and lie down. Now look. First you need to have all your baby stuff at hand before you bring the baby over because once you got the baby you can’t leave the baby for a second. Baby’s roll off changing tables.”
    “Oh my god.”
    “Listen. Don’t worry. Just don’t leave the baby alone on the changing table. Now lay out the diaper and fold over twice.”
    “Yeah.”
    “Now you just have to position it. Sit here Ed.”
    “Yeah.”
    “Now first you fold over this tail section to double it up and then just fold it over the front of the baby—excuse me Ed—and you pin it.”
    “Okay.”
    “Now notice the theory. There’s one—two—three—four layers of cloth at the penis or vagina end—to the one layer underneath under the butt. That should take care of a piss worth. Now, at night, you could sneak in an extra small diaper inside the diaper proper to take care of the extra fluid nights usually generate.”
    “I hope it’s a vagina,” said Scho.
    “I like vaginas,” said Ed.
    “Now notice how the corners are free at the butt end of the diaper. These you pull to the front and pin down—one on each corner. Two is all you need. Do you have any safety pins, Ed?”
    “Vagina.” said Ed.
    “Here. Scho. Go and get some paperclips.”
    “Is it all right to leave the baby?”
    “I’ll watch the baby.”
    Scho ran off.
    “How does your hair feel now?” asked Ed.
    “Longer.”
    “Here’s thirty paperclips and a pair of pliers,” said Scho.
    “Good. Now, pretend this is a safety pin Scho. It’s shaped like a U and locks together with a big piece of plastic at this end. See: safety—pin. Before this thing was invented, kids used to get stuck all the time.”
    “Oh my god.”
    “Calm down, Scho. It’s nothing. Kids are tough. Now. This is important. Take your safety pin and push it through these two corners from the front and clip it together at the rear. So if it does come unfastened, the pin end won’t do as much harm sticking out the back as it would sticking out the front.”
    “Oh my god.”
    “Now we’ll do the other corner and everything’s done. See how tight and sea-worthy it is—stand up Ed—and see how there’s no sagging and how tight it is around the legs —turn around Ed—and see how high it’s riding?”
    “It’s a good fit, Michael,” said Ed.
    “Do you have any plastic baby pants Ed?”
    “No.”
    “How about underwear?”
    “Nope.”
    “I’m wearing some,” said Scho.
    Scho started taking off his underwear.
    “Does your hair feel heavier?” asked Ed.
    “Yeah sometimes it pulls me more to the right than to the left.”
    “Here’s the underwear and a quarter.”
    “Thank you Scho. Now, plastic pants must have good tight seals and be free of tears or rips—otherwise you might as well not use them at all. Now all you do is slip them on—lay back down Ed—like any old pair of underwear—pick up your butt here Ed—and make sure all of the diaper is completely enclosed within the plastic. The wetness will just wick out if any of the diaper is sticking out. Now, it’s all tight. Get up Ed.”
    “It’s very comfortable.”
    “Okay, now. Scho. Change Ed.”
    “I don’t know how to do that.”
    “Sure you do. Now lay down Ed.”
    “I’m not wet.”
    Michael poured coffee inside Ed’s diaper.
    “Oh that is uncomfortable.”
    “What do I do?”
    “Scho! Act. Ed is uncomfortable. I’ll tell you if you’re doing it wrong.”
    “Should I take off the underwear first?”
    “They’re plastic pants. Yes.”
    “Okay. Then the pins!”
    “Yes.”
    “And the diaper.”
    “Yes.”
    “What a mess. The grinds are everywhere.”
    “Yes. In fact, baby poop spreads out in a similar manner and has a similar consistency as coffee grounds. It’s never hard like ours.”
    “What a mess.”
    “Leave it alone. Just put a clean diaper on me,” said Ed.
    “But you’re a mess Ed.”
    “Normally, you’d have to clean out every fold of skin with baby wipes to get all the poop out.”
    “Get out, Scho. Leave it,” said Ed.
    “But, Ed—” said Scho.
    “Baby’s usually cry when changed. But you have to clean them out or an infection could set in.”
    “Oh my god.”
    “Scho, I swear—” said Ed.
    “With bigger baby’s I’ve had someone hold the shoulders down while I did the changing.”
    “Get away. Scho...!”
    “Watch out!”
    “Get him.”
    “I’m fine. Just put a new diaper on me.”
    “Having a baby is tough,” said Scho.
    “I’m through being the baby,” said Ed.
    “But, Ed—”
    “I’m hungry. I want to eat,” said Ed.
    “But, Ed. You’ve got to be changed first,” said Scho.
    “Vagina.”
    “Ed, you’re leaving a mess everywhere.”
    “Go get him, Scho,” whispered Michael.
    “Do baby’s do this a lot?” asked Scho.
    “All the time. Get him.”
    Scho tackled Ed and pulled him down. Michael ran over and held the shoulders while Scho changed Ed.
    “Waaaa!” screamed Ed.
    “Good. Good diaper placement. Fold it over. Good. Get the pins. Put your knee on those legs. Good. Pin from the front to back, okay? Good. Now the plastic pants. Here. Tuck it in good. Good. Now, one—two—three. Let it go.”
    Michael and Scho jumped away. Ed sprang up and ran around the house.
    “Go get Ed!”
    Scho disappeared around the house running after Ed. Very soon Ed appeared again with Scho following.
    “Scho. Scho. Ed’s having a temper tantrum. Let it go.”
    “But what if the baby gets hurt?”
    “The baby won’t get hurt. There’s nothing dangerous here.”
    “Ed’s going pretty fast. The diaper’s staying.”
    “You did a good job Scho.”
    “Look at that baby go. How long do these temper tantrums last?”
    “Temp tants can last up to an hour.”
    “Shouldn’t we try to stop it?”
    “That’s just what babies want us to do. Negative attention-seeking behavior. NASB. We don’t want to reinforce that.”
    “Ed’s screaming now.”
    “Crying is good baby exercise.”
    “Babies are a lot of work.”
    “It gets worst when they turn into teenagers, Scho.”
    “Having a teenage must be awful if they’re worst than a baby.”
    “But it’s rewarding—all the work—somehow.”

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