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The Buggers

Lisa Gray

    Language is a funny thing. Yesterday’s swear word is today’s catchphrase. Things change so quickly. Blink and you miss it. I missed it. And so did everyone else. That’s how the Buggers got their power.
    I remember the first time the leaflet came through the door. You won’t remember it. It was in the days before our paperless Society.
    “Put your mind at ease with a phone and e-mail check from Comscan,” it said. “Protect your communications from public and criminal use. You will have peace of mind. You owe it to yourself.”
    It looked like any other leaflet. Harmless. Re-cyclable. So that’s what I did with it. And never gave any more thought to it.
    Until the leaflets stopped coming.
    And the bills.
    “In order to eliminate our carbon footprint we will no longer be issuing paper bills. You can pay your electricity bill online. Go to www——————————.”
    That was when things changed.
    I trudged wearily up the stairs to the old computer Reggie had given me. He’s a good boy. My Reggie. Looking after his mum.
    I logged on. Reggie had shown me how. He was always good with computers.
    I was just about to go on to the website when I saw a familiar name on the screen.
    “Would you benefit from a Comscan Communications Check? Don’t put yourself at risk! Call now on ———————— or visit our website at www——————————.”
    Branching out! I thought. That didn’t take them long.
    But that’s how things start.
    In a small way.
    And get bigger.
    An hour later, I sat down to watch the telly, my electricity bill unpaid.
    I’d no need to worry about computers. Reggie would do it for me.
    He’s a good boy, my Reggie.
    It was the adverts.
    “Isn’t it time you had a Comscan? A check from the U.K.’s leading provider of telephone and internet security. Press the red button on your remote to find out more.”
    I shouldn’t have done it! But I did. I was curious. Like they know we’ll be. And I liked pressing buttons. Like we all used to.
    That’s how I joined Comscan.
    “I’m safe now,” I said to Reggie when he came over that evening.
    Reggie was unusually silent.
    “All I need to do now is learn how to send an e-mail,” I said.
    “I’ll show you,” said Reggie.
    He’s a good boy, my Reggie. Nothing’s too much trouble.
    And he’s done so well for himself!
    I sent a lot of e-mails at the beginning and made a lot of calls. After all, I was safe. No-one could read my e-mails or listen to my calls. Comscan would see to that.
    I guess that’s when I got foolish.
    I’ve always been a trusting sort of person. That’s what it was like in my day. Not like today. I sometimes forget times have changed. And people.
    It all started when I was ill for two weeks. You can’t afford to be ill these days.
    That’s how they get you.
    I checked my e-mail for the first time in fourteen days. All two hundred and forty of them. My head buzzed as I read all the final demands threatening court action if I did not pay the bills. Gas, electricity, telephone, car tax, income tax. I couldn’t believe it.
    I wasn’t a criminal. And yet I was being treated like one. All because I’d been ill.
    That’s when I sent the angry e-mails.
    I made a few phone calls too.
    “Your calls may be recorded,” said the recorded messages.
    I wasn’t worried.
    I had Comscan.
    Oh there were a few who were downright nasty.
    “Don’t speak to me like that!” they said.
    Like what? I thought.
    I’d only complained. Complaining’s not a crime. Is it?
    I told Reggie all about it.
    “I don’t think you should do that,” he said.
    “I’m only complaining,” I said to him. “It’s not a crime.”
    “They’re protecting the public interest,” he said.
    “I’m the public,” I said. “And they’re not protecting me. They’re attacking me. All because I was ill.”
    “You should have paid your bills,” he said.
    I didn’t blame Reggie. Even for not paying my bills. I knew all his money was tied up in shares. Communications, I think.
    He had to be a “by the book man”.
    In his job.
    But I didn’t have to be.
    I’d never been interested in politics. Not like Reggie had been.
    But I was incensed. I joined the Civil Liberties Campaigners and went on marches.
    “Bring back paper bills!” read my placards.
    “Paper bills! Paper bills!” chanted the P.C. less pensioners marching behind me.
    Of course we attracted the attention of the media.
    There were telephone calls. And e-mails. Lots of them.
    But I wasn’t worried. I had Comscan.
    I was safe.
    I hadn’t seen much of Reggie for a while. I guess he was busy. After all, he has an important job.
    Then it happened.
    I was logging on when I saw it.
    “Plans afoot to bug e-mail.”
    I read on.
    “Plans are afoot for a giant database to retain details of every phone call and e-mail sent in the U.K.,” it said.
    “Comscan, the leading provider of telephone and internet security has agreed to pass on its information in the interests of national security.”
    I couldn’t believe it.
    You couldn’t rely on anyone nowadays.
    Every e-mail and phone call in the U.K. to be bugged?
    “What evil-minded person came up with that one?” I thought.
    But I wasn’t worried.
    I wasn’t a threat.
    I still phoned Reggie.
    He wasn’t available.
    Not even when I was arrested.
    Things change so quickly. Blink and you miss it. I missed it. And so did everyone else.
    That’s how the Buggers got their power.
    And Reggie, my Reggie?
    Oh, he was on national television. I saw it from my prison cell. Like thousands of others. A spokesman for the Home Office said, “Keeping a database of electronic information is in the interests of National Security. It’s the only way of conquering crime and protecting the public.”
    And there he was.
    I told you he had an important job.
    He retired shortly after that. Made a killing on his shares, I hear.
    Comscan.
    The funny thing is he looked like any other man. Harmless.
    He’d started out in such a small way. And got bigger.
    But that’s when they get you.
    Things change so quickly. Language. And people.
    Just like my Reggie.
    The Bugger!

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