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Bored—Meeting In Progress

Derald Hamilton

    Hal Bannerman, the CEO of F.A.R.T., sat at his office desk. Nearing the age of fifty, Hal Bannerman was closing in on his sixth year as head of Transit. From the very onset of his installation at this post, Hal had garnered himself one sweetheart of a deal, negotiated, in part, for him by his attorney, one that included a salary well into the six figure range, along with a travel and expense allowance, the use of a company car, and all the other perks given to someone occupying the pinnacle spot within the organization. Needless to say Hal was able to afford a home in the wealthiest part of town, complete with a pool, sauna, tennis court, and recreation room, facilities which Hal had acquired by the acquisition of a wife, two kids, three dogs, and two cats.
    It hadn’t taken long after assuming his post as head CEO, for Hal to become a pillar of his upscale community. He was active with the Boy Scouts, a deacon at his church, a prominent member of the Masonic Lodge, and the vice president at the local Rotary Club, while his wife was an official of the local branch of the Daughters of the American Revolution and a member of the Eastern Star. Hal also enjoyed the company of a mistress of which he felt completed his well-rounded self-image. As he neared the half-century mark he had developed a stocky build that accompanied his moderate sized frame and sported a modest receding hairline somewhat sandy in color that matched the face of a man who may have ever-so-slightly overindulged in his share of late morning and early afternoon cocktails.
    Now, shifting a bit in his office chair, Hal first glanced out the window at the flawless flagstone patio and then at the clock on the wall, noting that it was 1:45 p.m., just fifteen minutes before a meeting of the department heads was about to get underway in the company conference room. Gathering up the folders that contained all the paperwork pertinent to the day’s agenda, he was just about to rise from his desk when the phone rang and his receptionist informed him that his wife was on the line.
    “I’m just leaving for a meeting.” Hal informed her with the pomposity of a very busy man. “Take a message please.”
    The next phone to ring was that of his cell, and this time the caller could not be so easily dispatched.
    “Hi lovey.” Hal replied. “No, I haven’t told her yet. Why? Well, it’s got to be the right time. No, I don’t want....look, lovey, I can’t just blurt it out like...I know but, .... Look, could we talk about this later? I have an important meeting I need to get to and...No, it’s not just physical between us! Yes, I really do... Look, I have to go now. Yes, ooche wooche coo. I love you too.”
    As Hal clicked off his cell phone and stepped out of his office, his receptionist handed him the message from his wife which provided him with an inordinate amount of information, including the fact that her sister was coming to spend the week along with husband, two kids, and a Rottweiler, and that his son and heir, Jimmy had run into a tree and totaled the pickup but only sustained minor scratches and bruises.
    “That kid’ll sustain more than that when I get home.” Hal muttered as he progressed down the corridor, the half-read message in hand. “No. The death penalty is still on the books here in this state. Better just take a deep breath and calm down. Let’s see, what else does she want? Oh yes, I’m to stop at the store on the way home and pick up some potatoes, butter, a half-gallon of milk, and a package of hair rollers. Yeah, right.” he added, tucking the note inside his jacket pocket.
    The Transit department heads had all gathered in the conference room by the time Hal had arrived, fashionably late, as was his custom since it provided a minute or two to allow the department heads time to talk among themselves as well as giving him a sense of power when the resonant hum of conversation would cease upon his arrival. All-in-all, he regarded it as good protocol.
    This time, however, to Hal’s chagrin, the buzz of conversation continued as he assumed his place at the head of the table. “Okay gentlemen,” he announced so authoritatively that all conversation came to a close, “I believe we are now on my time.”
    “I called this meeting to discuss a few items that need addressing. I will attempt to put them before you in as expeditious a manner as possible so we can be out of here and back to work within as short a period of time as the matters at hand allow.”
    Hal opened up his manila folder and pulled out the paperwork.
    “As I’m sure you are all aware,” he continued, “the federal government has requisitioned Transit a three-hundred million dollar allotment for certain items it has deemed appropriate for us to address. So, it is at this juncture that I intend to go over with you the projects pertinent to the expenditure of this allotment. First off ...”
    When he was interrupted by his cell phone ringing the first few phrases of The Star Spangled Banner, Hal heaved a sigh and turned his back on his captive audience.
    “I can’t talk right now,” he whispered. “I’m in a meeting. Yes, I really meant it when I said I’d talk to her. No, I’m not leading you on. I have every intention of making you Mrs. Hal Bannerman. Look, I really have to go now. Not now dear. There’s people in the room. Oh, alright. Oochie woochie coo, I love you too.”
    Turning to face his subordinates, he saw that all eyes were on him.
    “Now gentlemen, as I was saying,” he said, desperately attempting to regain his composure, “the first item of expenditure of said allotment will be allocated toward the purchase and installation of the Yield to Bus Lights. As I am sure you are all aware, our Transit Union has expended much effort in their attempts at lobbying the majority of votes in both the State Assembly and the State Senate in favor of its passage. Therefore, with the passage of said legislation, the installation of these components have been rendered mandatory. As a consequence, in light of this mandate, I am issuing a directive to all departments connected with the facilitation of this matter to act accordingly with regards to the fulfillment of this end. And I expect each department head to keep me posted on whatever progress or obstacles that have been or are being incurred. Details of said project have since been cleared with Safety and Risk Management and Engineering has since drawn up the proposed schematics. What needs to happen now is for the appropriate facilitation to take place among department heads. Frank, you run off the purchase orders. Upon arrival, said components are to be delivered to Overhaul and Repair for installation, and finally the finished products need to be run through Quality Assurance and Warranty before being installed in 450 coaches. And I am certain it is not necessary for me to tell you that we need to implement what needs to be done in as efficient a manner as circumstances allows.”
    “Sir,” Frank Evans, the head of the Purchasing and Fiscal Activity said tentatively, rising to his feet, “I feel the need to express my concern over such an expenditure. I’m sure you are aware that installation of these lights were made on the coaches in both Oregon and Nevada but the motorists didn’t pay any attention to them, and law enforcement at both the state and local levels refused to enforce any of the laws germane to the installation of said items. Therefore it seems to me that for us to follow the efforts of Oregon and Nevada would constitute a wasteful and negligent expenditure of tax payer money.”
    “So noted.” Hal responded. “Now, onto the next item of business.”
    “Sir,” Frank interrupted, “I do believe this issue needs to be addressed before we begin a journey down a road we can surely see will lead to a dead end.”
    “Mr. Evans,” Hal responded, “this meeting was not called for us to debate the feasibility of these said items, and I have no intention of turning it into what our subordinate staff members have jokingly referenced as an ‘alternative to work.’ I am here to announce an agenda of up-and-coming items and initiate their facilitation among those of us present here in this room. Now, what has happened in Oregon and Nevada with regards to these lights is a moot point. Transit has lobbied on behalf of the passage of this piece of legislation and we have been mandated to perform its implementation. Case closed. Now, as I was saying, onto the next item of business.”
    “But Sir ...”
    “I said, onto the next item of business.” Hal announced impatiently. “We have another government mandate that is being passed down to us. This one is from the federal level which involves the potential usage of what the higher ups have termed as the hydrogen powered low floor coach. Critics of the program have referenced these entities as ‘bombs on wheels’ because there still hasn’t been devised a sure fire way to deal with the aspect of how hydrogen will react under pressure. To begin addressing this issue Transit has already allocated a certain portion of our allotted federal expenditure for the undertaking of training a portion of the maintenance crewmen for the task. Given the prescribed time line, this training should be completed within the next two to three weeks. After they have completed their training these men will be put to work implementing the modifications necessary for purposes of making these vehicles road worthy and passenger friendly.”
    Frank, still standing spoke up again. “What happens if these modifications are not effective? After all, these hydrogen coaches are more or less unknown commodities.”
    “If they are not effective, then they are not effective.” Hal told him. “Look, there’s nothing in the government mandate that says we have to be successful in this endeavor. But it’s made quite clear that we do have to go through the motions, and that’s exactly what we are going to do.”
    “But...”
    “I said, that is what we are going to do. Now, onto the next item. I have received notification from the County Environmental Health Department with regards to the shoddy conditions of grounds. Therefore, in compliance to county notification, I have committed expenditure of a portion of the federal requisition for the contracting of a landscaping firm for purposes of rehabilitating and renovating said grounds.”
    “Excuse me, sir,” Frank again spoke up, “but grounds keeping is supposed to be a task relegated to the yard’s facility workers. In contracting out such a task we run the risk of incurring the wrath of the Transit Union by usurping ....”
    Hal’s expression was enough to bring even Frank to an abrupt halt in the middle of his sentence, not to mention encouraging him to sit down.
    “Up to this point,” Hal said briskly, snapping his words one after the other, “the facility workers have been grossly negligent in their performance of this task. It is my contention that the end result will provide the facility workers with renewed incentive to once again assume ownership of all grounds keeping.”
    If Hal had thought that this explanation would satisfy Frank, he was, apparently, sadly mistaken.
    “But it’s a pretty well-known fact that the yards are not equipped with enough facility workers to perform these tasks.” Frank said. “So, knowing that, wouldn’t it make more sense to hire more facility workers as opposed to enlisting the services of a landscaping company?”
    At that point Harold Dorfman, the head of Personnel spoke up, “It is also a well known fact that there is a hiring freeze that is presently in place.”
    “Well that’s an easy issue to resolve.” Hal replied in a voice which indicated that he was rapidly losing patience. “Just lift the hiring freeze. Now, with that said, the next portion of the federal requisition I have authorized will go toward the purchase of a new state of the arts Transit computer system for purposes of simultaneously performing the tasks of attendance tracking, awards dispersal, the maintenance of sick leave and vacation balance, and the apportionment of penalties and benefits germane to personnel. This new state of the arts computer system is called the Automachron 4 BS and as I have been duly informed, this piece of equipment is truly the marvel of the age.”
    “Sir,” said Frank, “may I inquire as to who informed you of this claim?”
    Hal clenched and unclenched his hands in a menacing fashion which, apparently, Frank Evans had decided to ignore.
    “The company we’re purchasing it from, of course.”
    “But has the program been subject to a battery of litmus tests for purposes of validating the company’s claim?”
    “Mr. Evans, I have total confidence in this company. They were accorded a B minus rating with the Better Business Bureau. So, now that we’ve cleared that matter up, you all need to know that I am expecting installation procedures to begin Wednesday of next week. Each of you here, I’m sure, is aware of your roles with regards to the implementation of said project. Now, onto the final item that also pertains to data we received from the County Environmental Health Department. We’ve already addressed the issue of landscaping renovations to the yards. But these renovations only pertain to the areas inside the boundaries of the chain link fences, and as we all know, each yard has massive acreage outside the fences that also needs to be maintained. I refer, of course, to the grass and foliage that needs tending to. According to the Environmental Health and Safety Department, our use of John Deere equipment is responsible for emitting a massive amount of toxins into the atmosphere. So, a greener approach to yard maintenance has been proposed—mainly that we employ sheep and goats to consume the grass, weeds, and whatever other plant life that grows on the grounds. For purposes of implementing this measure, we will be contracting the services of a shepherding firm. Sheep will be used in the summer, and goats in the winter. I have been informed that the use of livestock will result in a substantial savings, and will enhance our reputation as a public service agency that is making a concerted effort to go green.”
    “Sir,” said Frank, “I feel the need to question the wisdom of such a move.”
    “I’m sure you do, Frank.” Hal said between gritted teeth. “But that’s not an issue here. After the tallying up of all these said expenditures, we find that a substantial sum of the allotment still remains thereby relegating it to the category of miscellaneous. Therefore, given the fact that most of our contracts come due in another few months, I propose we divvy out the remains of this allotment in the drawing up of our proposed five year contract renewals. Given the sum total of these remains it can be estimated that all of us here can be allocated a ten percent raise for each of the five years of this up-and-coming contract. And according to what I have been able to ascertain from what I know to be a reliable source, this ten percent is assumed to be in keeping with the projected fluctuations of the Cost of Living Index.”
    All present voiced a resounding show of approval for Hal’s proposal, except for Frank Evans who was quick to express his concerns on the matter, as in all the others.
    “Sir,” he said, “I feel I should point out that there are other contracts that are expiring in tandem with ours, those being the agreements made by the transit union workers and the administrative support workers. If we relegate such a huge sum of money toward the enhancement of our contracts, very little will be left for the perks that would comprise theirs. ”
    “Frank,” Hal said as his patience began to wear thin, “all your concerns are great for the suggestion box, but this is the way the money is to be allocated. Now, as for your concerns with regards to our subordinates such as the transit workers and the administrative support staff, we do what we always do ...create a shortage.”
    “But sir, if we do that, wouldn’t their unions ...”
    “In creating the shortage, we enlist the aid of their union heads for purposes of devising a scenario and subsequent spin.” Hal explained between gritted teeth. “It’s worked before. It’ll work again.”
    “Isn’t that a tad unethical?”
    “No. It’s business.”
    “But Sir...”
    “Frank, how long have you been a department head?”
    “Two years. Why?”
    “Then it’s high time you shed that troublesome attribute known as integrity and get with the program. As for the rest of you, we still have a little more than two hours left in the work day, so let’s make the most of it and start the ball rolling. I believe you all know what needs doing, so anything more said on my part would just be superfluous. ”
    It was just the sort of conclusive touch he was fond of, Hal told himself as he made his way out of the board room, leaving Evans and the others in his dust. Besides, it was a considerable relief to make his exit before his cell phone began ringing again.

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