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“Suggested Torture”
cc&d (v261) (the March/April 2016 issue)



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 Suggested Torture

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Clouds over
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Jan. - June 2016
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Jan. - June 2015
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Biggest Fool of All

Liam Spencer

    There she was. A young Kentucky girl in the big city. Her big chance at a new life. From poverty to potential. She sat there on my couch. Twenty two and nothing to lose. She lit her new bowl. Jane smoke rose in line with her spirits, the tall water glass of wine quickly emptying to make room for more.
    I was exhausted from my job, but beer was lifting my spirits. Soon, my spirits would nearly match the young girl settled on my couch.
    It was April first. We were laughing about pranks to pull. How funny it would be to convince people of this or that.
    My idea hit hard. We laughed to the point where it hurt. We both gasped through smoke damaged lungs as laughter took over our bodies. It would be perfect.
    Kenny, my old buddy would buy it totally. I was in a Vegas motel room with Stephanie in the bathroom. I was talking quietly so she couldn’t hear me, begging for his help.
    “Dude, you gotta help me. I’m in Vegas. Stephanie and I just got married. She’s knocked up!!!!”
    “No, man! What’d you do?! Fuck!”
    “Kenny, that’s not the worst of it... AFTER we got married, Stephanie told me she’s in love with her GIRLFRIEND, Song Ming! Now what the fuck do I do?!”
    “Oh Jesus Fuck! You know to pick them!”

    On Cue, Stephanie slammed the bathroom door. It echoed for blocks.

    “I HEARD YOU OUT HERE! Fuck! You got me fucking pregnant, you fucker! YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS! It’s your goddamn kid, so fuck’s sake!”
    “Oh yeah, right. I get you knocked up AND MARRY YOU, THEN FIND OUT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND?! WHAT THE FUCK?! What, are we all going to live together? One happy fuck family?! DO I GET TO FUCK HER TOO? AT LEAST THAT!!!!!”

    That did it. Stephanie burst out in uncontrollable laughter.

    “April Fools Kenny! We got you, man!”
    “Fuck you.” He hung up.

    It would turn out that Song Ming was a guy, and was Stephanie’s boyfriend. Yeah, I was financially supporting some guy’s girlfriend. Really.
    I was the biggest fool of all.



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