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This writing was accepted for publication in the 108 page perfect-bound ISSN# issue... “6 Feet Under” Down in the Dirt (v136) (the May 2016 Issue)  Because of the timeliness of this writing, it appears only in the web page issue. |
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VP Race Gets Short Shrift
Rick Blum
Now that the race to pick the presidential candidates appears nearly over, it should be time for Hillary and The Donald to start considering a running mate. Unfortunately, the unwillingness of Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders to throw in the towel will keep their attention focused on accumulating delegates instead of vetting potential VPs.
Since most political pundits tell us it’s necessary to balance the ticket to gain widest appeal – think history-making Obama and very white Joe Biden – each candidate should be looking for someone who not only brings complementary traits to the table, but also is willing to play second fiddle with a smile. (Dick Cheney being the exception that proves the rule.)
So what might the ideal VP candidate look like?
First of all, he would have to be a he. Donald would just find it much too difficult a misogynist needle to thread with a female, running mate. And Hillary hasn’t got the moxie to step out of her poll-balanced box to go all girl, despite statements to the contrary from her campaign.
Second, the VP candidate would have to be younger than the ticket standard-bearers, both of whom are on the precipice of seventy. Ironically, Bernie Sanders, would have been his own ticket balancer, he being the darling of the under-35 set.
Third, he will need to bolster their chances of prevailing in a crucial swing state, which rules out some more creative choices such as NewYork-bredDonald Jr., or one of the Castro brothers – that being HUD Secretary Julian and Representative Joaquin of Texas, not Raul and Fidel.
Finally, the ideal candidate needs to be able to connect with a key voting demographic not currently leaning toward the head of the ticket. Think blue-collar, white males for Hillary, and people who actually think for The Donald.
In normal times, finding the ideal VP would be a daunting challenge for both candidates. In the current circus of a campaign, it is nearly impossible. Which is why I’m offering myself to both front runners.
How can I achieve this seemingly impossible task of being the perfect VP candidate for both sides? Just take a look at my qualifications and see if you don’t agree.
| 1. First of all, I exude a typical male persona. I do admit to occasional bouts of sentimentality, but never in public.
2. I am younger than both Donald and Hillary (a youthful 67) and can shout What we need is a political revolution! until the cows come home. The millennials eat up that line like it’s Twitter candy. 3. While I currently reside in solidly blue Massachusetts, I have lived in both Florida and New Mexico, enabling me to claim roots in both a southern, swing state and Latino strongholds. 4. Speaking of appealing to Latinos, I’m married to a woman with a distinctly Hispanic maiden name. Hopefully, the op-researchers won’t discover that her paternal grandparents emigrated directly from Spain to the U.S., never stepping beyond our southern border. 5. I’m not Hispanic myself, but I am a Jew. I can bring in the pro-Israel stalwarts, as well as attract the Bernie crowd by channeling my immigrant grandfather’s accent, which is nearly indistinguishable from his Brooklynese. 6. Hillary desperately needs to connect with blue-collar, white males, and my bona fides here are stellar. I’m a former member of the Pulp, Sulphur and Dye Workers union, as well as one-time landscaper and painting contractor. Meanwhile, I can connect with the leftist, egghead crowd for Donald by touting my BA in psychology, which really came in handy during my four-year stint tending bar. 7. Not only did I tend a bar, I owned one. Thus, I can speak eloquently (or not, depending on the political leanings of the audience) about the struggle of small businessmen, who have been squeezed dry by rising taxes and healthcare costs. 8. Topping it all off, I’m in a wheelchair. No other name being rumored for the post could wrap up the much-ignored disability crowd as surely as I could. |
