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Anger is not a feeling but a reason to hide whatever it is that hurts me inside!!

Marc McMahon

    Is anger really a feeling? Or is it simply an adjective that our mind uses to best describe the feelings we can’t put a name too? Or could it be that anger is just the emotion we use when when we are feeling scared, hurt or all alone? The answer to this I do not know for sure but my gut tells me that I would rather be angry at someone or something than to have to admit to myself that I am really frightened, hurt or feeling unloved. That I would rather be angry with someone then to have to take a realistic look at my situation and possibly realize that maybe I am truly at fault and that my anger should be redirected at self so that I can make an honest appraisal of the situation. Running the risk of having to possibly apologize to someone for me being wrong.
    I mean, what good has ever resulted from me being out of my mind angry at someone or something? You know, I cannot for the life of me think of one instance where me being angry has proven to be beneficial to anyone including myself. I can on the other hand think of a few instances where my anger has brought undesirable results. Like getting pissed off at a friend over what was really my own crap and ruining a good friendship due simply to the fact that it was easier on me of course to be angry at them v.s. having to swallow my pride and admit to myself and to another person that I was the one who was actually at fault, then having to apologize, sealing the deal that the error lies within myself.
    No that would be way to much for this addict and his ego to swallow. It’s just way easier projecting my fault onto someone else in the form of anger. Or another wonderful benefit of me allowing myself to get angry is that it allows me to not have to look at myself but instead push my blame onto someone else in a fit of rage allowing my mind to be blinded to any common sense or rational thinking so that I can just say the hell with all this recovery stress its not making things any better therefore justifying my behavior and giving me a reason to go get high!!
    I mean, after all the world isn’t fair anyways and I always seem to have to be angry at some one all the time, and I was never this angry when I was using so what the hell I’m gonna go get high!! Justifiable homicide of self then begins, again!!! A subconscious reservation to get high is formed and rationalized in my mind to be ok and I crawl into the back seat of my car, give my addict the keys and say take me to that place where we can forget all about this world, these feelings, and this hurt.
    That place over by where we were last time. I mean, don’t drive us to the exact same place we were last time cause that place almost killed me and today I don’t want to die. I just want you to drive me close to that place. The one where I had all the fun, where I didn’t have to feel anything or even have to think about anything. The place oh kind addict sir, where I just get to be high, relax and let you call all the shots, because I know that this time will be different, that this time everything will be ok.
    I mean, after all you promised me that this time you would have my best interests in mind and you know what, this time, I believe you!! So lets not tell anyone we are doing this, ok my friend. I just want to do this one more time to relieve myself of this anxiety then come back and be clean again. Just one more time for old times sake, ok?? Now please sir take me to that special place!!
    That is all anger is to this dope fiend. It is simply just another reason for me to justify getting high, just another door that leads me straight back to the hell I been so desperately trying to stay away from. There is nothing healthy for me in it and like I said, I do not really think it is even a true emotion but more like an all inclusive adjective to describe the true feelings that I a) don’t want to admit I have or, b) can’t seem to identify good enough to give a name.
    Anger, the luxury of those with a normal cognitive thinking mind, a feeling that those who are not addicted can have and act stupid behind if they choose to do so, but not a luxury that this addict can afford to mess with. Normies can act stupid behind this feeling all they want and that’s fine by me because the stakes for them are not as severe as they are for me. They get angry and sometimes act the fool but I get angry, relapse, and possibly DIE!!! I have to see anger for what it really is. Anger is just another weapon my addiction uses to try and kill me. It’s a trigger to use masked as an emotion. A lethal cocktail mixed by the master mixologist of death in hopes that he can fill my cup, get me to take a sip then hand him the keys so he can drive me home.
TO HIS HOME THAT IS!!!
    To the dungeon where only he holds the key!! Not the special place I asked him to drive me to but the special place he has been preparing for me since I chose to get clean. The place where he has all control and I have none. The place where he shows himself strong and where I am weak. The place where he is master and I can only serve!! A place where his darkness thrives and there is no light!! As I am Chained down, shackled at the ankles and gagged with a rag my monster looks me in the eye and whispers,
“recover from this!!!”

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