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Good Suicides

Sayuri Yamada

    Good morning everybody. I’m Trevor Mortimer. Welcome to ‘Who’s the Best?’ Last year there was no winner, because as some of you might remember no one succeeded. So this year the prize is bigger than ever! (Cheers from the studio audience) I wonder ‘who’s the best’ this year.
    I’ll explain the rules. Don’t worry. I won’t go into the every single detail to make you fall asleep in front of your TV or in your seats her in the studio. Hello! (Hello! from the studio audience)
    We’ve chosen two contestants as good jumpers out of four hundred and fifty one contestants. Thank you for your enthusiasm, as usual. (Cheers)
    How it works is, in case some viewers haven’t seen this game show before, (Boo!) that people send their simulation DVDs to us and five renowned suicidologists select two, who will do their jobs in reality, and the audience vote for the best one.
    The basic rule is that you can’t use artificial settings. You have to use natural or already-existing things only, like mountains and rivers and buildings. You can’t stick knives into the ground to make it more effective, for instance. If we found out that you’ve made your own settings, you’ll be disqualified automatically. Another disqualification is like last year if you survive, you’ll be out. This is not child’s play. This is not a frivolous game show. We are in business! We are serious! (Cheers and whistling) It is a life or death matter! (Laughter)
    The winner will get huge honour and we will make a gorgeous grave for him or her according his or her religion.
    Before I introduce the final two, I’ll show you some funny or strange contestants. The first one is, as shown on the screen behind me, this man who disguised himself as a woman. As you can see, he has thick make-up: long artificial eyelashes, blue eye shadow, red lips, red cheeks. And he’s in a red full-skirt dress with puffed sleeves and white frills on the hem. I don’t know if it’s intentional, but his legs under the knee-length skirt are quite hairy. He could’ve shown them without those black hairs easily with a computer, so it must be on purpose, but I don’t get what for. Probably to make him look funny. But I don’t think it’s working. What do you think? (Boo) He’s standing on the Arthur Ravenel Jr. Bridge that is fifty-seven metres above the Cooper River in South Carolina in the US. It’s a beautiful white cable-stayed bridge, but it doesn’t make his job any better, mind you. See, he is looking down at the river, which is very wide. Looks like a sea with that clean blue water. This simulation is very well made. It looks like real. So we tried to contact her to come for an interview. But the DVD wasn’t a simulation, but a live one! She was disqualified right away, because she couldn’t come to the real contest. (‘What was that idiot?’ Laughter.) Please don’t do that. I mean don’t do the real thing in a DVD. You’ve got to be alive to do the job later.
    Anyway, he, that man in the red dress with hairy legs jumped into the river and drowned. That was all. Of course he wasn’t chosen. It was just stupid and silly.
    Another example on the screen behind me is this woman sitting at an open door on a small aeroplane. Now she’s in a close-up. Nice looking, although her nose is a wee bit too big. (‘Way too big.’) Just watch what she’s going to do. Now she jumps down and hits another small aeroplane that is flying underneath. She hits it with her head which starts bleeding heavily. Then she falls onto another aeroplane down there and hits her legs, which become askew. Look. She falls and again hits another aeroplane and hits her stomach and then finally hits the ground. Dead. If she could to it in reality, it’d be spectacular, but I don’t think so. Who could fly aeroplanes at the exact height and time like that? (‘Silly cow!’ Laughter) You can do anything in computer simulation, but don’t forget you’ll have to do the same in the reality if you’re chosen. Be realistic.
    The theme this year is Jumping from a Height. It’s the same as the one last year. That’s because there was no winner last year as many of you must remember, so we have to have the same again this year. It was a disaster last year as I’ve already mentioned. Both of the last two contestants survived. It was shocking. It hadn’t happened before since we started eight years ago. Sometimes one survived, both? Never. But it happened last year. What was wrong with you? (laughter)
    The first contestant last year jumped from a coast redwood at Redwood National Park, California. It was 115.66 metres tall, the tallest tree in the world. If nothing had happened, he’d have succeeded. But he hit a branch three times, which softened the fall and he was still alive when he hit the ground. (Boo!) He died of the head injury six hours later. Too late! The rule for the jumping is to die instantly. If it’s poison, you can be alive for an hour to allow time for the poison to work. If it’s fire, ten minutes. With a knife, thirty minutes to give them time to stab themselves more. It’s zero minutes for jumping! (Yeah!)
    The second contestant jumped from the top of Christ the Redeemer in Brazil. It’s thirty metres tall. She’d have died instantly in theory, but she survived and didn’t fall in a coma or anything. What’s wrong with people? Are they growing external coverings like cockroaches? She was shamefacedly taken away on a stretcher under ‘Boos!’ from everybody and was killed in a car accident right the next day. Too late! (Laughter) We just hope both can succeed this time. Don’t you think? (Yeah! and whistling)
    Well, it’s time to go to the locations. (Cheers)
    Stephaney!

*


    Thanks Trevor. I’m Stephaney Clawe. This is the first contestant, David Clawe. We aren’t related, mind you. We are on the top of the International Finance Centre in Hong Kong. We are standing on a 412 metre tall building. The wind is a bit chilly and strong. But the sky is blue, no sign of rain. David, what’s your plan?
    Well, I’ll shed this blanket and jump stark naked. (He opens the blanket at the front to show he is naked) (Whistling from the studio audience watching the scene on the big screen)
    You don’t have to do it again until you really jump, all right, David?
    Fine. It’s too cold to be naked standing here anyway. My plan is that I’ll think about my girlfriend all the way to the ground, screaming her name and masturbating. I don’t think I can come in the few seconds while I’m still in the air, though. Anyway, I’ll hit the ground just by her and die there. I love you, Peach.
    It’s a very unique way of jumping. Nobody’s ever done it before. What makes you chose this unique way?
    Well, because I love my girlfriend so much. I love you, Peach. So it’s kind of natural. I love you, Peach.
    All right. Here is his girlfriend, may I call her Peach as well?
    That’s fine.
    Thank you. Here is what Peach said about what her boyfriend is doing twenty minutes ago at the bottom of the building.
    Davievie, I’m very very proud of you. And I’m very very honoured. You’ll think about me until the end. You’ll yell my name until the end. You’ll masturbate thinking about me. Nobody’s ever been loved that much. I love you, Davievie! I love you, Davievie!
    What do you think of that, David?
    Well, I love you, Peach! I love you, Peach!
    All right, all right. Are you ready?
    Yeah. I love you, Peach!
    Now, he just jumped after shedding the blanket, yelling, ‘Peach, I love you!’ and masturbating. Let’s watch it in slow motion. Here he goes, stark naked, holding his penis, shouting, ‘Peach. Peach.’ Going down and down with his legs wide open stretched as if sitting in the air. Down and down. I don’t think his penis is any bigger, although his hands are moving fast. Now he’s hit the ground, but hang on. I think he hit his girlfriend. Let’s have a look one more time. He’s going down, down, shouting, Peach, Peach. And on his Peach. Oh, no. That wasn’t his plan. It was by her side, not on her. He must’ve been on her too many times. (Laughter from the studio audience) Well, the rule says that if it’s different from the simulation DVD, you’re disqualified. Hang on. (Listening to earphones with her head cocked) Yes, it’s confirmed that he landed on her and both died. If she lived, he might be still in. But sorry, David. It was very unique and moving plan, but you are out! Back to you, Trevor.

*


    Thank you, Stephaney. Bad luck, David. But he’ll probably be happy with his Peach in heaven now. Don’t you think? (A mixture of Boo and Yeah)
    We just hope the next contestant will succeed. (Yeah! Yeah!) Or we’ll have to have the same them next year. (Boo! Boo!)
    Mohammed!

*


    Thank you, Trevor. The next contestant is Alex Vowden. We’re standing on the top of the Doges Palace Prison Courtyard in Italy. It’s not a tall building, only four storeys. You might be puzzled as you know contestants usually jump off tall buildings or high mountains or tall bridges or anything tall or high. But the ground from where we’re standing looks so close. Can she succeed? What’s your plan, Alex?
    My plan is to jump and hit my stomach to that black iron thing over the well down there. So all of my innards will be all over the courtyard.
    (To the camera) She is to hit the black iron arch over the well on the ground. It’s a bit far from here. Don’t you think it’s risky, Alex? You might miss it.
    I know it’s risky, but I’ve been practising jumping from my flat onto several mattresses on the ground with the same distance from the building. I think I’ll make it.
    Good for you, Alex. I admire your enthusiasm. Well, I think it’s time now. Do you want to say something for the last time in your life, Alex?
    No.
    All right. Ready? Here she went. She jumped and hit the iron. Wow! Her intestines are spewed from her torso. They are long and snow white with a bit of red blood here and there. I didn’t know intestines were that beautiful. Some of them are dangling from the black iron arch like a long sash. Let’s watch it in slow motion. Now she jumps forwards, arms and legs wide spread, face down. Going to the black iron arch. Her short dark hair flapping in the air. Going down to the arch. Going, going. Now. She hit it, right in the middle. Look at that! Her intestines fly in the air like a firework. Beautiful! Her blood is like a three-dimensional fountain. Her other organs also fly everywhere. Wow! She’s done it! It was exactly what her DVD showed. Congratulations. Alex. It’s actually premature. I should wait till the doctor confirms her death and the suicidologists declare the winner, but I’m sure she’s the winner. I’m so excited.
    Doctors down on the ground are now examining her to make sure she is really dead. (Listening to an earphone) Yes, it’s confirmed she is dead. And her innards are all over the courtyard as she planned. She’s done it! She’s done it!
    Back to you, Trevor.

*


    Thank you, Mohammed. He was a bit too excited and slipped from professionalism, but I won’t blame him. Alex did it perfectly. And David’s disqualified. So there’s no need for the audience to vote. It’s a bit of a letdown, no competition. But Alex’s jump was brilliant. Don’t you think? (‘Yeah!’ Whistling) We’ll give a greater than usual tomb to her for her great death, because there was no winner last year. She deserves it.
    Next year, the theme is Knife. Start thinking about it. Send us your DVDs. We’ll let you die in honour. Good bye and see you again next year, everybody. I love you! (‘I love you, Trevor!’ from the studio audience and loud applause)



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