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Drunk and Divine

Tris Matthews

    And Chris said unto Amy “Come drink with me,” and they did drink in many pubs until 2 a.m., when they were cast out upon the street, whence, after eating gluttonously of McDonald’s in many forms, Chris did conceive of an idea to prolong the night and took her back to his lab because there was a bottle of wine his professor had won and donated unto the lab, and they drank of the wine and Amy declared “Sippin’ stolen blue wine from plastic cups in the Comp. Sci. Department at two thirty in the morning... so classy!”
    Behold, Amy was a voluptuous and vulpine woman and, though Chris was a responsible post-doc and knew it was forbidden to interfere with the program by rule of lab and general dedication to the production of valid data, Amy used her feminine wiles to coerce him and he, being lustful, intoxicated and weak, did show it to her.
    A great fallen-monolith touchscreen acted as graphical user interface and interpreter to the program. It was an altar in the centre of the lab and did illuminate the lab with green and blue hues when Chris flicked the switch. “Behold! Earth!” Chris proclaimed, and then did hiccup and blush, and Amy was amused, but was confused and said “How come it’s got green trees? It looks weird,” and Chris expounded that Earth’s chlorophyll absorbed more long-wavelength light than did real leaves, and then he extended his two bony index fingers and laid the tips upon the screen and cast open his arms with prophetic passion to zoom in on the planet therein, and did repeat this, until the shivering leaves of a single tree could be individually divined. Then proudly Chris did say “I made this. Cool, innit?” And it was an exaggeration for he was just a member of the lab, not its head, though he did contribute.
    But Amy was less impressed and asked of Chris “What does it do?” and he replied “It simulates a whole world with unparalleled geological, climatological and biological detail; it allows life to evolve from initial conditions without subsequent interference; it models the progression of matter from abiotic components, as found in the early universe, to beautiful, complex life!” and Chris, frankly, was in awe of himself at this moment. But Amy responded “Right, but what can I do with it?” so Chris searched for the animals on this Earth, and lo! he did find two people, and Chris was much impressed because they had not been there at 7.30 p.m. when he knocked off, so he pulled down the control panel and reduced simulation speed to real time, and Amy was much surprised because the people were of their image, and so she wished to talk with them.
    Thus it came to pass that Chris did break the lab rules and deviate from general scientific protocol to allow Amy to interfere with the program, for he did fancy her something rotten, and he was a sad and lonely mathematically minded post-doc who envied those in the arts and social science departments that had no trouble taking themselves a woman for themselves. In such cases, you have to use the gifts you’re given.
    Amy said unto Chris “Give them a garden,” and Chris did program it thus, and Amy said “Give them a tree.” Once more Chris did program it thus, and each time Amy did enquire unto the people if they liked it and they said it was good. But lo! because it was good, they happily ate all the fruit on the tree and this did provoke Amy’s wrath, so she said “Give them a snake,” and Chris did program it thus and then increased the simulation speed and they watched as the snake chased the people and the garden overgrew.
    With casual swipes and flicks Amy did scour the vast green lands and saw the little people frantically multiplying, and so she winked at Chris and said “Let’s flood ‘em!” but Chris worried that killing all the people would be disastrous from a research perspective, so he roared “No!” But Amy did gently touch his hand and say “You’re such a sweetie,” then whispered in his ear “We can give them a boat so all the best ones survive,” and Chris reasoned that since these tiny souls had only evolved earlier that evening, the professor wouldn’t notice if their population diminished and bounced back, so he programmed a boat and, cleverly, made the inside bigger than the outside and put one copy of each sex of each animal inside then did unleash a flood that cleansed the Earth.
    After the flood the population of people, and that of animals, did indeed rebound, but within the simulation stories of powerful beings who wrought flippant destruction passed from grandfather to father, and from father to son, and from son to grandson, and then it did that again and again, and with each generation came greater embellishments so the stories grew in detail, and from these stories sprung new stories that also evolved with a life of their own, and the people aspired to confront the beings who had spoken from the sky, so they constructed a tower, but Chris and Amy did see, and again they slowed the simulation to real time and knocked down the tower. Now Chris feared his professor would communicate with the people and terminate his contract, and he already lived hand to mouth, so he did cluster the little people into seven groups and did add genetic algorithms to their Broca’s areas so their languages would drift apart, then he sped up the simulation once more.
    And now, the touch of Amy’s hand had roused in Chris a greedy desire for more, and he asked of her “What shall we do next?” but Amy looked at her phone and said “I’m as sleepy as Eutychus. I’m gonna go down to my room,” and thus she left, but at the door she stopped and winked and did say “You coming?” and they did interfere no more.



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