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THE RETURN OF O.D. SUSKIND
Mel Waldman
I
“Looks like we’ll have to operate, Oscar,” Doc Delight announced.
“What kind of operation will I need?”
“We’ll have to cut into your brain.”
“Just to get rid of those lousy headaches?”
“You’ve got a brain tumor, Oscar.”
“So now we know what’s been causing my migraines.”
“Yeah.”
“Is it...?”
“It’s not malignant.”
“So I’m gonna live?”
“You bet, Oscar. You’ll live to be a hundred and five.”
“Hope you’re telling the truth, Arthur.”
“Mother called me honest Art.”
“If you’re lying, I’ll come back to haunt you, Arthur.”
“It’s benign, Oscar.”
“Okay. When can we operate?”
“Next Monday.”
“Sure.”
As O.D. Suskind walked to the door, he turned around and said to Dr. A.F. Delight: “Arthur, who’s gonna operate on me?”
“Dr. L.M. Jones. He’s the best surgeon around. Imported him from New York City. We’ll operate at Cape Cod Hospital.”
“He’s not gonna butcher me, Arthur? Will he?”
“Leroy’s the best. Trust me.”
“Only in God, Arthur. Only in God.”
II
After the operation, O.D. Suskind felt better than ever. The headaches were gone. “I’ve been reborn,” O.D. told his wife Eva. “I’m as strong as a bull. And now I can get a decent night’s sleep.”
For three weeks O.D. slept like a lamb. Then one night O.D. screamed in his sleep: “Help! Help me! He’s trying to kill me!”
“Wake up, Oscar!” Eva cried out. “Wake up! You’re having a nightmare.”
O.D. jumped up in bed, his eyes popping out as if he had seen the Angel of Death.
“Looks as if you saw a ghost, Oscar.”
“He was strangling me to death.”
“Who?”
“Don’t know. Couldn’t see his face. I was clutching a dead dog and then I smelled the burning sulfur. Behind me, a stranger was fumigating the house with burning sulfur. As I turned around to see him, he grabbed my throat and...”
“Oscar, it was only a dream.”
“Yes, Eva. It was only a dream. But...”
III
The same nightmare returned every night for a week. So O.D. went to ol’ Doc Delight who thrust a long thick needle into O.D.’s left arm. Wearing a big fat grin, the doc said: “I’ve given you an injection of strong stuff. It oughta do the trick.”
“What is it?”
“It’s The Cure!”
“Sure it’ll work?”
“You bet. Just trust me. Trust in ol’ A.F.”
“I’ll try, Arthur.”
“Believe me, Oscar. The nightmares are gonna vanish. You’ll see.”
IV
And the nightmare did not return for a month. When it did, O.D. went to the doc and said: “It’s back, Arthur. The guy’s strangling me and I can’t see him and I smell the burning sulfur while I’m clutching the dead dog. I’m going crazy, Arthur. Help me!”
“You need a stronger shot of The Cure. Give me your left arm, Oscar. We’re gonna get rid of that nightmare, just you wait and see.”
Dr. A.F. Delight gave O.D. Suskind a stronger dose of The Cure and O.D.’s nightmare vanished for a while.
V
In the meantime, O.D. quit his old job with S.S. and C. Corporation. One day his new boss, Nat A. Samuels, called and said: “Well, it’s time O.D. I want you to take a trip to Brooklyn, New York. I want you to visit Penelope Faith, the President of the House of O. She lives in a place called Sheepshead Bay.
“Never heard of it.”
“Well, you’ll love the place. It’ll be home to you. Trust me.”
“Only trust in God, Mr. Samuels.”
“Well, that’s a shame, O.D. cause a fella’s got to trust a few of his associates or he’s up the creek. Get it?”
“Yeah.”
“Anyway, I expect great things form you, O.D. You’re gonna sell Penelope a lot of guns and knives and bows and arrows and any other weapons her heart craves for. Get it?”
“Sure do, Mr. Samuels.”
“Fine, O.D. Come over to the office in an hour. I’ll give you a few maps and a more extensive orientation.”
“I’ll be right over.”
“Fine, O.D. And I hope... Well, don’t disappoint me, O.D.”
“I won’t, Mr. Samuels.”
“Terrific! I knew I could depend on you. Looked at your pockmarked face and said to myself: “There’s a God-fearing man. A man of...”
“I go to church every Sunday except when I’m on the road.”
“Of course, O.D. I never doubted you. Said to myself: ‘There’s a man of character. A man who could make a great weapons salesman.’ Yeah, that’s what I said to myself.”
“I won’t disappoint you, Mr. Samuels.”
“Of course you won’t, O.D. I trust you.”
VI
That night O.D.’s nightmare returned. He went to the doc who gave him a mighty injection of The Cure.
“Thanks, Arthur.”
“Sure, Oscar. This oughta hold you until you return from your trip.”
VII
On the road to New York, O.D.’s mind went blank. He couldn’t remember who he was or where he came from. Panic-stricken, he parked his ol’ Fury on the side of the road. Then he looked in his pockets for his I.D. but he had none. “Damn it! I’ve got $10,000 in cash on me but no I.D. What’s going on? Who am I?”
Suddenly, O.D. fell into a deep sleep. When he awakened, it was pitch-black. O.D. shrieked through the darkness: “Aha! My name’s U.L. Caesar. That’s who I am! Good ol’ U.L. and I’m looking for the House of O. That’s where I’m going.”
O.D. started the ol’ Fury and drove off to the nearest Holiday Inn. He signed his name-U.L. Caesar. Traveling salesman from Ithaca, New York.
VIII
For the next few weeks, O.D. traveled through Massachusetts, Vermont, and Pennsylvania searching for the House of O. Although he asked a lot of strangers, no one had ever heard of the House of O. Then one morning, O.D. was sitting in the House of Pancakes in Pennsylvania having delicious blueberry pancakes. A gargantuan young man wearing a cowboy hat walked into the restaurant. When the man smiled at O.D., O.D. cried out: “My name’s U.L. Caesar. I’ve been looking for the House of O for weeks. Ever hear of the place?”
“Sure. But it’s not a place. It’s a company. Buys and sells the best weapons in the world. Main branch is in New York City.”
“Terrific! By the way, would you like to join me for breakfast?”
“Okay. My name’s Charles B. Dexter. I’m from the greatest place on earth-the land of The Cattle of the Sun.”
“Where’s that?”
“Texas, U.S.A. Out there-things are big, bigger, and biggest. A man’s got a lot of space to himself. Take me, good ol’ Charles B. Dexter. Six-foot-six and a half and getting bigger every second. Now, I can wander for twenty miles in any direction and it don’t matter. I’m home. It’s all mine. Understand? I’m home. Be back there next week. A man shouldn’t be away too long.”
“Sure. I’m going home too.”
“Thought you were going to the House of O?”
“Yeah. That’s right. That’s where I’m going.”
IX
When O.D. arrived in New York City, he went to the Manhattan office of the House of O.
“Who do you wanna see?” the receptionist asked.
“I don’t know. My name’s U.L. Caesar. I’ve come home.”
“I see. Well, just wait here a minute.”
A few minutes later, the receptionist returned. “Mr. Faith will see you inside. Go right in.”
O.D. went into the executive office. A slender, muscular giant greeted O.D. “I’m T.M. Faith, Vice President of the House of O. May I help you?”
“I’m U.L. Caesar. I believe I’ve been expected.”
“Sorry. I don’t think we’ve been expecting you, Mr. Caesar. Are you sure you’ve got the right company? This is the House of O.”
“Yes. I’ve been looking for the House of O for weeks. And now I’m home.”
“Home?”
“Yes.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t quite know myself, Mr. Faith.”
Suddenly, the giant looked at O.D. and said: “You look familiar. I’ve seen you before. I’ve seen you... It can’t be! Is it you, Father? Is it you?”
“You think I’m your father?”
“Yes! You’ve got his azure eyes. Father was about 5'10", sinewy, and very strong. Few men could match his strength. You’re about Father’s height. And you’ve got his muscular frame.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Where did he go?”
“I don’t know. He worked for the Government. He went on secret missions. He never returned from the last one.”
“Was he a secret agent?”
“I suppose you might call him that. He was a man of many titles.”
“You really think I’m your father?”
“You’ve got those same azure eyes. As deep as the cerulean sky.”
“What was his name?”
“O.D. Faith.”
“O.D.?”
Suddenly, O.D. looked quizzically at T.M. and said: “That name sounds familiar.”
“It ought to. It belongs to you. Welcome home, Father. I’ve got a lot to tell you and time’s running out. They’re planning to kill me and take mother’s fortune.”
“Who?”
“The suitors.”
“No one’s gonna hurt you, T.M. Not as long as I’m alive.”
“Thank God you’ve returned, Father. We’ve got to plan our strategy. Tonight’s the Party. There’s gonna be a contest to determine which suitor gets Mother. We’ve got to stop them!”
“We will, son.”
“Should we tell Mother you’re home?”
“Not yet, T.M. It might endanger her life if she knew. By the way, what’s her name?”
“Penelope.”
“Oh yes. Sweetest name a lady could have. A lovely name as old as the ancient myths.”
X
T.M. took O.D. to Sheepshead Bay. “We live at 666 Shore Boulevard, Father. You used to live there many years ago.”
“The mansion looks familiar. But you see, T.M., I feel as if it’s all a dream.”
“Be patient, Father. Your memory will come back.”
As T.M. opened the door, the old dog Argus jumped up to greet him. Then it flew into the arms of O.D.
“Christ! This is one helluva dog.”
“Your favorite hound, Father. He’s been waiting for you for years. Stay with Argus a few minutes. I’ll go up and tell Penelope my old friend U.L. Caesar is here. I’ll be right back.”
O.D. played with Argus. Suddenly, the old dog fell to the floor and died. Clutching the old hound, O.D. cried out: “I’ve just returned and old Argus is dead. What’s going on?”
After holding Argus in his arms for a few minutes, O.D. smelled the burning sulfur. Hands encircled his throat, strangling him from behind. O.D. grabbed the lethal hands and ripped them from his throat. A voice cried out from above and looking up, O.D. saw a tall statuesque blonde strolling down the spiraling staircase. Then a sharp blow to his head jettisoned him into unconsciousness.
XI
“What happened?” O.D. asked, looking up at T.M. and Penelope.
“Someone tried to kill you. Must have been one of the suitors. Penelope scared him off. I came when I heard Mother’s scream. Mother, this is U.L. Caesar.”
“Glad to meet you, Mr. Caesar. Sorry about this. The House of O is in turmoil. So tonight I will choose a new husband. I can no longer wait for my husband to return. O.D. has been gone for many years.”
“Perhaps O.D. will return before you make the choice.”
“It would take a miracle.”
“Trust in God, Penelope. Trust in God,” O.D. said.
XII
Penelope went upstairs to freshen up before the contest. In the meantime, O.D. and T.M. went into the dining room where the suitors were at their banquet tables.
When Antinous, the leader of the suitors, saw O.D., he cursed him and hit him with a footstool. O.D. cursed Antinous, who strutted to the other side of the dining room.
Later, another suitor named Ctesippus insulted O.D. and hurled a bone at him. O.D. sat quietly and did not respond.
XIII
After several hours passed, Penelope brought the great bow of O into the hall and announced the contest to the suitors. She said: “He among you who is able to string the bow and shoot an arrow through the twelve axes will become my husband.”
The suitors accepted the challenge. “Let us go into the room of O which has been locked for many years.” Penelope announced.
In the room of O, T.M. aligned the twelve axes. Then Penelope said: “It is time. Each suitor may try.”
Now, the suitors each had an opportunity. But however they strained and despite their attempts to soften the wood by greasing and heating it, not one of them could bend the mighty bow. Finally, Antinous suggested that they postpone further efforts until the next day.
Although this was agreed to, O.D., who had been sitting in a corner of the hall, asked to try the bow. The suitors were indignant at his request and refused him.
Then Penelope said: “Let him try. If he wins, I will not marry him.”
T.M. ordered his mother to leave the hall and then sent the bow to O.D.
O.D. took the bow in his hands, pretending not to hear the abuse of the suitors. Effortlessly, he strung the mighty weapon and expertly fitted a bronze-headed arrow to it. Slowly, and seemingly without concentration, he let fly the arrow. The arrow swiftly shot through the row of axes. As the suitors sat stupefied by disbelief, T.M. took hold of his sword and spear and stepped to his father’s side.
XIV
With a shout, O.D. leapt to the threshold of the hall. He killed Antinous with his next arrow. Then he announced: “I am O.D. Faith, the Master of the House of O.”
“Odysseus!” one of the suitors cried out.
“Yes! It is I!”
“It was Antinous’ fault. He led us astray. He was responsible for our misdeeds,” Eurymachus begged.
“It is too late. Each criminal must die!” Odysseus announced. Then with his next arrow, he killed Eurymachus.
One by one, Odysseus and his son T.M., a.k.a. Telemachus, killed the suitors. Then the scene of the battle fumigated with sulfur.
XV
Later, O.D. and Penelope made love, their son Telemachus returning to his room.
XVI
In the middle of the night, O.D.’s nightmare returned. O.D. clutched his old dog Argus. The stifling odor of burning sulfur filled the room. And behind him, someone approached. Suddenly, the stranger was strangling him to death.
O.D. awakened. He was clutching the dead dog Argus. The odor of burning sulfur permeated the room. From behind, someone was strangling him. And Penelope watched as nightmare became reality.
O.D. grabbed the huge hands, forcing them loose from his throat. Suddenly, O.D. leaped up and turned to face the attacker. “My God! It’s you, Telemachus! You!”
With almost godly strength, O.D. leaped through the air, grabbing Telemachus’ thick throat. O.D. strangled him to death while Penelope watched. Then he turned to Penelope and asked: “Why?”
“It was part of the ritual.”
“What ritual?”
“The holy ritual of Odysseus!”
“This is not the way it was written by Homer.”
“Homer was not a member of the Holy Order.”
“What are you talking about, Penelope?”
“You are the new Odysseus, member of the Holy Order-The House of O. And this is the way.”
POSTSCRIPT
Penelope did not confess that she had slept with Telemachus. She did not reveal her incestuous love for her son. Or his-for her. Motivated by obsession and the need to possess his mother, he had attempted patricide.
Penelope hid her dark secrets within her treacherous heart. Odysseus would never discover the truth! Or would he?
