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Happy Birthday

Alan Swyer

    After several lengthy discussions, a decision was reached. To celebrate their son’s eighth birthday, the Walds would throw not one, but two separate parties. Saturday afternoon would be for Jeremy and his pals, featuring a three-inning baseball game at the local park, with Don pitching to both sides so as to adjust velocity based on the skill of each batter. That would be followed by hotdogs, pizza, and baseball-themed birthday cake. The next day would feature a brunch at home for relatives and assorted family friends.
    Preparations were already underway – the baseball diamond reserved, the invitations emailed, the pizza delivery scheduled, the Sunday menu planned – when Kitty, on a Tuesday evening, extricated herself from a conversation with her husband to take a call.
    ‥That was Bruce,” she announced after hanging up, ‥and he’s got a favor to ask.”
    ‥Your brother’s always got a favor to ask,” Don responded.
    ‥Be nice.”
    ‥I am nice, but that’s not always true of the favors.”
    ‥Gary will be visiting that weekend –”
    ‥Bringing tornadoes? Earthquakes? Coup d’etats?”
    ‥He’s not that bad.
    ‥Okay, leprosy’s worse.”
    ‥Plus he’s family.”
    ‥A second cousin you try desperately to duck? Didn’t we say Sunday would only be for people Jeremy knows?”
    ‥Bruce promises he’ll control Gary,” Kitty answered with a sigh.

    While cleaning up the park’s picnic area after the feast that followed the birthday baseball game, a weary Kitty approached her husband. ‥What do you think?” she asked.
    ‥No fires, no ambulances, and a very happy kid. That’s the trifecta. Now if we can only make it through tomorrow –”
    ‥Apprehensive?”
    ‥What’s there to worry about?”
    ‥Everything,” said Kitty.

    Midway through brunch the next day, Kitty pulled her husband aside. ‥So?”
    ‥Both sets of grandparents are keeping their distance from each other,” Don responded.
    ‥Fortunately.”
    ‥Jeremy seems happy.”
    Kitty nodded.
    ‥My sister hasn’t had too much to drink.”
    ‥Yet.”
    ‥And your brother seems to have Gary muzzled.”
    ‥C’mon, he’s not that bad.”
    ‥So it was okay when he borrowed your car and totaled it?”
    ‥That was ages ago.”
    ‥At least three years. And when he broke Jeremy’s t-ball trophy?”
    ‥An accident –”
    ‥And spilled Beaujolais on the rug you loved?”
    Kitty shrugged. ‥Want to slip some Valium into his Sangria?”
    Despite their fears, the next hour went well. But once the birthday cake was sliced and distributed, Kitty was approached by her brother and second cousin.
    ‥Gary was asking me,” Bruce began, ‥how everyone’s related.”
    ‥Instead of me explaining,” Kitty said, ‥I’ve got a better idea.” Spotting her son across the living room, she called out to him. ‥Jeremy, got a sec?”
    ‥What’s up?” Jeremy asked, ambling over with an apricot danish in hand.
    ‥Mind bringing out that family tree you did for school last year?”
    With a nod, Jeremy headed off to his room, then returned with a poster-sized project that showed both sides of the family, plus a brief characterization of each person.
    Once Bruce and Gary started to study it, others drifted over, including both sets of grandparents, all of them eager to take a peek.

    That evening there was much needed tranquility in the Wald home. While Jeremy busied himself with two days’ worth of presents, Don and Kitty watched an episode of a French series called ‥Spiral,” then crawled into bed much earlier than usual.
    Instead of spending time reading, both of them nodded out almost immediately, only to be abruptly awakened when the phone rang.
    ‥Hello –” Don mumbled, not quite sure where... or who... he was.
    ‥How could you do that to us?” his mother screamed.
    ‥Do what?”
    ‥Embarrass us!” yelled his father.
    ‥What are you talking about?”
    ‥That goddamn family tree!” bellowed his mother. ‥Grandpa Phil is nice, likes to tickle, but doesn’t hear too well?”
    ‥What’s wrong with that?”
    ‥Everything!” screeched his father. ‥And Grandma Joan talks loud, tells silly jokes, and keeps year-old ice cream in her freezer?”
    His drowsiness disappearing, Don shook his head. ‥This is reason to wake us?”
    ‥But how about Kitty’s parents?” his mother shot back.
    ‥What about ‘em?”
    ‥Grandpa Max is a doctor?” hollered Don’s mother.
    ‥And Grandma Lois reads a lot?” shrieked his father.
    ‥That’s only because he doesn’t know them as well.”
    ‥From now on you folks aren’t going to know us so well either,” yelled his father.
    Don took a deep breath. ‥Okay, you made your point. So what exactly do you want?”
    ‥A public apology,” snarled his mother.
    ‥From you, Kitty, and especially Jeremy,” added his mother.
    ‥Okay,” said Don. ‥We’ll rent Dodger Stadium. Or do it on Public Access TV.”
    ‥That’s not funny,” hissed his father.
    ‥No shit!” stated Don. ‥This is absolutely ridiculous.”
    ‥That’s all you’ve got to say?” demanded his mother.
    ‥No, there’s one other thing. Goodbye!”
    Slamming down the phone, he turned to Kitty, who shrugged. ‥So how was your night?” she teased.
    ‥Next year –” Don said.
    ‥What about it?”
    ‥Only a kid party.”
    ‥No argument from me.”
    ‥And no Gary.”
    To Kitty’s surprise, Don climbed out of bed and started toward the hallway.
    ‥Where you going?” she asked.
    ‥To get on the treadmill.”
    ‥At midnight?”
    ‥No way I’m falling back to sleep after that.”

    Don Wald was on his way to the office the next morning when, thanks to the wonders of Bluetooth, he got a call from his sister.
    ‥Just so you know –” Bonnie began.
    ‥Yeah?”
    ‥I’m on Mom and Dad’s side.”
    ‥What’s that supposed to mean?”
    ‥I expect an apology from the three of you.”
    ‥You do, huh?”
    ‥You bet!”
    ‥For what a sweet kid wrote when he was seven-years-old?”
    ‥Exactly.”
    ‥Know what?”
    ‥What?”
    ‥You’re out of your fucking mind!” said Don, hanging up.

    After spending the first half-hour of his work day brooding, Don Wald had a painful realization. The surprise was not that his parents and sister had reacted in a ridiculous way, but that it had taken them so long.
    The truth was that while growing up his home life had been a nightmare. Whereas his mother had emasculated his father in far too many ways, Don entered the world figuratively – and perhaps even literally – giving her the finger.
    Never, as far back as he could remember, had mother and son agreed on anything, no matter how trivial. If Don, even as a youngster, said Day, his mother was certain to respond Night. If he said Hot, she would utter Cold.
    Little wonder that Joan Rubin Wald constantly referred to the ob/gyn who delivered her first born as The sadist who ruined my life.
    All the while sister Bonnie was not merely put on a pedestal, but indeed lavished with gifts by her adoring mother, and referred to as Princess by her doting dad.

    Initially Kitty had assumed that Don was exaggerating, fabricating, or at least over-dramatizing when he regaled her with tales of his boyhood. Not until they moved in together, then joined Don’s parents for breakfast one Sunday morning, did she get a first-hand glimpse of the family dynamics. After ordering a fruit plate, rye toast, and coffee, Joan Wald announced to the waitress, ‥My husband will have the Spanish Omelette.”
    ‥I don’t want a Spanish Omelette,” Phil protested.
    ‥But I want half,” Joan insisted. To Kitty’s dismay, her father-in-law acquiesced.
    Table talk was minimal until Joan, having finished her fruit and one piece of toast, pushed the other piece toward her son. ‥Eat the toast,” she demanded.
    ‥I don’t want the toast,” Don stated.
    ‥I don’t want it to go to waste.”
    Before Don could respond, Kitty surprised one and all by pushing the plate toward Joan. ‥He doesn’t want the toast.”
    Undaunted, Joan shoved to plate toward her husband. ‥Eat the toast,” she insisted.
    Unhappily, Phil Wald ate the toast.

    The late night phone call was not discussed again by Kitty and Don until Friday when, while getting into bed, she turned to her husband. ‥Want to talk about it?” she asked.
    ‥What’s there to talk about?”
    ‥I can tell it’s on your mind.”
    ‥So is hunger, racism, economic inequality, and the crappy play of the Lakers.”
    ‥Still –”
    ‥Want to know what’s amazing? That it didn’t happen sooner.”
    ‥What do you mean?”
    ‥My mother is a walking Mt. Vesuvius. Every so often, bang – she erupts.”
    ‥You know what all this means, though. Jeremy won’t get to spend time with one set of grandparents.”
    ‥And hear nonstop about how wonderful Bonnie’s kids are?”
    ‥I know. But at least they’re nice kids.”
    ‥For now.”
    ‥Meaning?” asked Kitty.
    ‥With a lush for a mother and a father who’s rarely around? Both of them are time bombs.”

    The next morning, Kitty was cooking oatmeal when her husband stepped into the kitchen. ‥One last question –” she said.
    ‥About?”
    ‥I was planning a surprise 35^th birthday party for you, which you – since you’re always prowling – probably sensed.”
    ‥Who me?” Don asked playfully.
    ‥So what do I do about your parents and your sister?”
    ‥You can invite ‘em if you want.”
    ‥Really?”
    ‥Sure. I just won’t come.”
    ‥So the rift is permanent?”
    ‥Nothing in this world is permanent.”
    ‥Give me that in English.”
    ‥One of these days Bonnie will want or need something –”
    ‥You think?”
    ‥She always does. Plus my parents will want to know what’s going on with Jeremy.”
    ‥Really?”
    ‥If only to compare him to my sister’s little darlings.”
    ‥And you’ll deal with them?”
    Don shrugged. ‥Guardedly. But one thing’s for certain.”
    ‥Tell me.”
    ‥Next year for Jeremy’s birthday –”
    ‥Yeah?”
    ‥Only a kid’s party.”
    ‥No objection from me.”
    ‥And –”
    ‥Okay –”
    ‥No Gary.”
    Kitty thought for a moment, then smiled. ‥No Gary.”

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