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Silence

Patricia Tramble

    It’s 6:00 am and time to get up. I got to make the bed and get breakfast started. I call out to my daughter, “Baby time to get up and get ready for school!” I feel as though I am so predictable in my routine in life. A friendly smile and lively chatter can hide so much.
    “I’m getting up mommy,” I hear her say.
    “Now what shall I make for breakfast?” I ask myself.
    “Don’t forget to put on deodorant when you come out the bathroom.” I have to remind my daughter sometimes as she dresses for school. It isn’t like she is stupid or anything it’s just a reminded that we all forget sometimes.
    “I won’t forget mommy!” She yells.
    Looking at the kitchen clock on the wall, do I have time to cook bacon and eggs? I assure myself, I might have time if I hurry. While the bacon is cooking, I go to my closet and pick out something to wear. Let’s see...I don’t like that so I put it back in the closet. “Oh, this will do.” I find a pair of jeans and a matching top. Surprise! Not really, who am I kidding on what I was going to wear this morning to take my daughter to school. Now get out my undergarments and lay them on the bed. I look at the clock on my dresser next to the bed, it’s almost 7:00 and I can smell the beacon.
    “Baby hurry up, don’t waste time.”
    “I’m not,” she says.
    I find it amazing how children are never in a hurry it seems like only adults. Their world is so simple and time is of no consequence. I rush to the kitchen to turn the beacon off and to scramble a couple of eggs. I get out another skillet to melt the butter for the eggs.
    “Baby wear the clothes that are on the chair and don’t forget to put on your shoes. Your back pack is on the chair in the corner of the dinning room.” I remind her.
    “Okay, I will.”
    “Do you want some toast?”
    “Yes.”
    “Of course you do, jelly?”
    “Yes.”
    Suddenly, it dawns on me that I need to get myself ready after I finish making breakfast. “Baby breakfast is ready and we have to leave no latter than 7:40. Come on hurry up.” Shoot! I remember I have to comb her hair. “Baby don’t for get your brush and comb when you come to the table. Hurry up now.”
    “Okay. I’m hurrying.”
    “When you’re dressed fix your plate and go sit at the table while I take a quick shower.”
    “I will” is the voice I hear.
    After a quick shower, I dry off and put on my robe and head to the dining room table to comb my daughter’s hair while she eats. A pony tail will have to do today as I brush her thick black hair. Finished, I go to my bedroom and slip on my clothes. To the bathroom for a quick brush through of my hair and we’re ready to go. Oh no, I forgot my shoes and socks so I dig thorough the closet to find my shoes. Found them, I can skip the socks it’s not that cold outside today.
    “Baby it’s 7:30, and you should be finishing up and be ready to go in 10 minutes. We have to go.” This is my last war cry for the morning.
    “I’m almost done mommy.”
    I look at the clock on the kitchen wall, we have to go. I pull our coats from the hall closet. I take a quick bite of toast and bacon before rushing out the door.
    “Do you have everything?” As we are heading out the backdoor.
    “Yes, mommy.” She assures me.
    Traffic is relatively light on or way to Voris Elementary School. Entering the parking lot, I drive to the parent’s drop off by the front door with a line of cars waiting behind to do the same.
    After returning home, I listen to the radio while I finish breakfast. The DJ’s comments and music are entertaining along with the news. Finished, I wash dishes and give thought to what I will do next. I watch TV for an hour, anything longer I start to fall asleep. I miss work. Work gave me a sense of routine whether I liked it or not plus a paycheck. I decided to stay home after my daughter was diagnosed with developmental issues. I tell myself daily I did the right thing.
    I tell the doctor, I get lonely sometimes even though I made the right decision. “I can’t spend my days talking on the phone because everyone I know is at work being productive. I feel ashamed of myself doc because I don’t feel very productive. It’s funny how you can name all the things you would do if you didn’t have to work but the moment work is gone, you can’t think of a damn thing.” Frustrated and ashamed, I bow my head. “And making new friends is not that easy. I visit Facebook and Twitter to see what is trending and what people are talking about but after a few likes and comments, I get off. It’s not real and I don’t know these crazy people, at least some of them are. Doc, I just wonder where my life is going.” A single tear falls. “I want my life to matter.” I quietly say to him.
    I feel it going into the kitchen to prepare for dinner. I am afraid it will engulf me. I can’t stand the feeling. I know this new space is waiting for me to embrace it, but I’m not ready. I feel it standing idly by to never say a word. I keep busy at whatever when I know tomorrow will be pretty much the same. I want change, but I am having difficulty discovering what it is. One day, I will find a job. I was discouraged from previous tries, but I know there is something out there for her. I believe there’s a for all of us in this world. If there were not we wouldn’t be here.
    “What shall I do?” I ask, “I’m tired of running around trying to occupy time and space.”
    Then one day it happened. I sit down and closed my eyes and said, “come in.” I was tired of being afraid.
    Silence.
    In time, I learned how to quit fighting my thoughts and feelings. “I had to learn to let go and let them flow. I wasn’t losing my mind; I was discovering it.” Honest thoughts from my essences began to emerge. “I am now learning how to move with purpose and intent.” Ideas flow. My mind is no longer filled with confusion and fantasies leading me to profound loneliness. I set goals for herself without putting a time limit. Life to me seems to be less lonely. “I’m imagining now what could be, I am excited about my life.” I say out loud looking in the mirror with a twinkle in my brown eyes.
    “Just think Pamela all you had to do is be still,” Dr. Conscience proudly says to me.

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