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The Cost of Winning

Russell Heidorn

    When my son was ten, his little league team made it all the way to the championship game. It was hot and humid that summer afternoon as the sports complex was buzzing with the sound of other games mixed with the scent of sand, hotdogs and sweat.
    I’m not one of those parents who gets overhyped with sports. But still, as we arrived, I couldn’t keep from smiling. After watching my son win and lose so much over the years, I was proud to see him finally make it to the championship.
    But, let me be honest, I was also a little smug too. After all, seeing my kid win is not just about him, right? It’s also a little about me, the parent. Yes, I want my kid to succeed because it builds his confidence, but also because it validates my success as a parent. If he’s a winner, I’m a winner.
    Whether it’s getting the lead in the school play, scoring the winning touchdown or landing on the honor role, every achievement our kids make is proof that we did something right raising them. And as our sons and daughters walk on stage to accept their trophy, award or crown, we stand tall among our peer-parents, glowing with pride and a little conceit as if we had won ourselves. We are literally living vicariously through our children.
    Anyway, as luck would have it, my son’s best friend Jack was on the opposing team. They’ve been best friends since kindergarten and we knew his family well. Still, as we approached them, I found myself glancing away as if trying to find something else to catch my attention. It felt awkward seeing them before the game since their team was the basically the enemy.
    It’s easy to detest the opposing team and their fans when they are the faceless enemy, but when you know who they are, it gets complicated. I mean, these are nice people. And their team has just as much right to win as we do. But since my job as a parent is to root for my son and his team, I have to be biased.
    So as we greeted Jack’s parents, we said a quick hi, wished each other good luck and fled to our perspective sides. But the awkwardness remained because we knew afterward we’d pass each other again saying “good game” while one side beams and the other side sulks.
    Just then, there was a crack of a bat and a roar from the crowd as someone on another field hit a home run. I glanced over but all I could see was the pitcher kicking the dirt as he watched the runner lap the bases. I felt bad for him. There is no hiding in baseball when you make a bad play. Whether it’s dropping a pop fly or striking out, your failure is on display for all to see. Even if your team ends up winning, your mistake will still be hard to forget.
    And it made me wonder. Is winning worth the price?
    Sure, watching that ball fly over the fence is sweet, but is it worth the grief and shame the other team feels as they stand helpless and dejected? We tell them to cheer up, get tougher skin, get back on that horse or that losing is just part of life. After all, everyone wins and loses all the time. Whether it’s sports or the lottery or trying to a great parking space, we’ve all experienced the elation of winning and the agony of losing. So why do we focus so much on winning? Why are winners elevated to the status of icons while the losers are scorned and labeled as failures?
    You can’t ignore it. Our society loves winning. The need to win permeates every corner of our lives. And it’s not just sports or games. Winning also applies to careers, wealth, fame, intelligence, status and so on. We reward those that win with trophies, awards, profiles in magazines and statues in hall of fames. Meanwhile not only do we condemn the losers, most of the time we forget about them completely.
    Winning has become our society’s single measure of success. How many times has someone sped up in the highway to force you to merge in behind? How many people rush to get ahead of you in the line at a restaurant? How many friends compare the number of followers on Twitter? And to top it all, people flaunt their winnings by driving over-expensive cars, living in over-sized houses and bragging about their exploits on social media like middle school kids on the playground.
    Even as I watch the parents around me in this friendly community game, I can feel the underlying ambition to win. Some parents crave to win so much they push their kids relentlessly. We’ve all seen it. A parent hollering at their kid in the middle of a game for sliding into base too early. Parents getting heated at the coach or umpire for a bad call or because their kid isn’t getting enough playing time. How many parents get carried away, sometimes literally, because they are pressing their kid to win above all else?
    Just as bad are those parents who smother their kids with endless accolades. How many parents fawn over their precious baby like he’s the ‘chosen one’ from ancient legend? How many parents cheer way too loudly as if every single swing, every jump, and every slide their kid does is some fantastic feat?
    Finally, there are those parents that shield their kids by using any excuse available. They blame the equipment, the coach or the wind to show their kid as the victim in some unfair contest. They rationalize and exonerate their child because they believe the pain of losing would be too much for their child to take.
    Whatever the reason, the result is kids learn at a young age that winning is what matters. Winning is the only path to success. We see it every day. Kids rush to be the first in line at school. Teens compete on who is the most popular at school and online. And let’s not even mention the constant pressure to get perfect grades, excel in sports and stand out among the crowd no matter what the cost.
    And as I watch the parents around me, it makes me wonder: Am I any better? Sure I cheer when my son makes a great play, but I don’t push, smother or justify. I just watch the game and eye the loud-mouthed yellers, sweet-tooth talkers and rationalizing gossips all making fools of themselves.
    I want to tell them to sit down and shut up, but I don’t. Why? Because how do I know they’re the ones doing it wrong? Maybe I’m the bad parent. Maybe being more obnoxious and overbearing is what I need to do to raise my kids to be happy and successful. Maybe I should be pushing my son harder. Maybe my complacency is setting him up for a miserable life.
    As we prepped for the game and I dwelled on this, I asked my son if he was excited to win the game and get the big trophy. After all, this would be his very first championship.
    He said “Sure. But it’d also be okay if I lost.”
    “What?” I asked. “Why?”
    He said, “Because if I lose, that means Jack wins.”
    I froze for a moment and held my breath. It was an answer I’d never considered.
    Wait. So it’s okay to lose? Duh. Of course it is. There should be no shame in losing - no shame at all. It’s society that makes us think losing is bad. We get so wrapped up in the momentum to win that we forget what’s really important.
    It’s not winning that’s important. But it’s not losing either. So what is important?
    It’s the doing.
    It’s not winning or losing that makes us better, smarter, and happier. It is the act of competing. It’s the playing... the striving... the pushing ourselves. Competition hones our skills, forces us outside our comfort zone and helps us push each other to improve. Competition can also create new friendships and make existing ones stronger, even if you’re on opposite sides.
    Winning is okay because someone has to win. But losing is okay too because someone has to lose. Either way, it doesn’t matter. Playing the game and engaging in the struggle, this is what matters.
    In the end, there is no difference between winning and losing. No difference. The purpose of life is to go out and give it your all. If you do that, you will always be a winner regardless of the score.
    It was a humbling moment for me. But now I understand. Even validating whether I am a good parent doesn’t matter. All I need to do is be engaged and give it my all.
    And it took my ten-year-old-son to teach me this. Now here is someone who’s truly going to be a winner at life.

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