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Mom

Katherine Hyde

51/50
In my kitchen
Standing at the fridge with the door wide open
I found myself crying over you

Your mother had called to tell me you were in the hospital again
On a 51/50
That’s the second time this year
And it’s only April

After all this time it shouldn’t hurt anymore
I thought your neglect had done for me what the pills did for you
But I guess no amount of carelessness can be a proper substitute
For novacaine

I pretended I was numb for you
That I couldn’t care less if you lived or died
But my cutlery and flatware know the truth.
They’ve seen me break for you
Trembling and convulsing
Time and time again

I wanted to feel you slip away
But only to a safe distance
I never wanted to watch you struggle
I always tried to help
I blew hundreds of dollars on you
And for what?

You’ve lost everything I’ve ever given you
New clothes, money, food, trinkets,
family heirlooms, respect
Things you never earned in the first place

I know you tried – I watched you do it
But it was never enough
Your best wasn’t enough to keep us out of trouble
To keep food in our bellies
To keep our house clean
To keep your legal guardianship

You tried quitting many times
The withdrawal fits turned the house into a battleground
Alec was the first casualty
He was only asking if you were okay
You were crying
And then he was crying
And then I was too
Our bruises were a matching shade of sickly mustard
When you finally let us go back to school

On those days, you were my mother
On others, when we took autumn day-trips to the ranch
And picked apples in the fields
And pet piglets and lambs
And drank cider to warm our bones
And you told us you loved us
You were mom

I don’t want to
But I ache for you
I don’t want your approval
I crave it
I’m an English major, now
Just like you
Are you proud of me?
I’m going to be the first in our family to graduate college
Are you proud of me?

I’m going to be everything you weren’t
Everything you longed to be
Everything I needed you to be
If it fucking kills me.

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