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Order this writing that appears in the one-of-a-kind anthology Late Frost the Down in the Dirt Sept.-Dec. 2020 issues collection book		get the 420 page Sept.-Dec. 2020 Down in the Dirt 6" x 9" ISBN# paperback book:

What I Thought I Had Let Go

Travis Green

I had lost a part of me somewhere
in forgotten territories, my heart
pounding every second, trying to find
the missing clue to the puzzle. I felt
like I was sinking as I stood in the kitchen,
staring outside the windowpane
at the scorching sun calling my name,
the huge clouds in the sky streaming
nearby, the birds soaring high above me,
gazing into my brown eyes, feeling
the pain of my world as I tried to look away.

I couldn’t understand it, the sudden sadness
welling up in my body, the shattered tears
rolling down my cheeks, each one a watery
grey depiction of what I had lost, a missing
masterpiece stuck in outer dimensions.
I tried to go on with my daily routine,
opening up the box of Cinnamon Toast
crunch near the counter, grabbing the Vitamin D milk
from out of the refrigerator, then reaching for a bowl
from the clean dishes. But as I poured the delicious
and crunch contents in the bowl, following the milk,
and started eating, I was losing my taste before
I could even swallow the cereal in my mouth.

I stood there shuddering like an old man,
hands clung to my chest, shoulders feeling
like they could collapse at any moment,
the pressure rising in my heart, making
it hard for me focus and breathe, to make
out a little speech the way baby birds
make their first sounds.

I decided to step outside and stand
on the porch, hoping that this would
calm me down, bring me back to reality
from this wrecked state, but as I gazed
around the landscape, I could feel the gust
of wind pulling me in, the trees
and leaves shaking uncontrollably,
the sun fading in the backdrop of the sky
as everything became dark, drunken,
drowned with agony. The rain came crashing
down on the ground, almost causing me
to lose my grip, thunderous songs
of nature breaking my cells within, carrying
disturbing rhythms, violently expanding
and exploding, my soul unbalanced, backspaced,
floating in shadowed mazes.

What I thought I had let go had found
its way back into my heart. The thoughts
were still there, deadlier than they were
before, the sounds of a middle-aged woman
taking her last breath in the hospital, her
existence slowing down, her skin turning
dry and cold, her eyes closing for the last time,
my soul screaming out in agony, knowing
that I was too late to come to her rescue

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