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My Life in Oatmeal

Charlie Brice

Five years old and in Memorial
        Hospital, 1955, Cheyenne, Wyoming.
They always burnt the oatmeal.
        Its acrid smell announced 5AM—
the beginning of each day. Finally
        discharged after five months with

a diagnosis of “possible rheumatic fever,”
        my life had no oatmeal in it for years.
I never fixed it myself until the late 70s
        when, overweight, I went
on the Pritikin Diet. He was big
        on oatmeal and all things

vegetarian and oil-less. After a while
        I thought I heard myself squeak
when I raised a limb, so oil free was I.
        I learned to make oatmeal, slice
half a banana, and pour skim milk
        over the fruit and its steamy surface.

The smell of unburnt oatmeal is lovely—
        like the perfume of pages
in your favorite novel. I dropped
        50 pounds thanks to Pritikin,
but put it all back on after my sweet
        wife rightly declared that

my entire diet tasted like a mixture of
        liquid cardboard and solid cardboard.
Liberated, I resumed the devourment of steak,
        chips, cheese, and gobs of food
with all the oil in it I could find.
        In the 90s I had to fashion

a new wardrobe—my “jumbo line”
        my sweet wife called it. This development
necessitated a commitment to Weight Watchers
        where I learned a new way to enjoy
oatmeal: half a cup of oats, four walnut halves,
        and 2 tablespoons of Mrs. Butterworths

low-cal syrup. What a miraculous discovery!
        I dropped 20 pounds worrying the
guilt-ridden scale at Weight Watchers
        until the day our leader asked
the group for their manner of managing
        those cravings we got around 4PM.

One lady in the back raised her hand,
        “When I get a craving,” she chortled,
“I eat a couple of those 2-point snacks
        and that way I never feel depraved!”
That’s when I realized the secret of Weight Watchers:
        forget portion control and counting points,

the weight peels off due to uncontrollable
        laughter at such moronic statements.
So, I quit and promptly gained back my 20 pounds.
        Now, fat and happy on my 2 Diet Pepsi
a day diet, I continue to eat that delicious oatmeal
        with the low-cal syrup and walnuts.

It satisfies now as it did then, and yet,
        I still feel depraved!

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