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In the Face of a Pandemic: Four Brains in the Vat Share Their Thoughts

Adam Mac

Cast: Yolo - a glistening, very trim and pert-looking young brain; you only live once
         Emma/Tilly - a grayish-white, heavily wrinkled older brain; immortally
         Sochi O - a dark gray brain, larger on one side than the other; sociopath
         Sol - a boxy-countoured, otherwise perfectly ordinary looking brain; solipsist


Yolo: I think-

Sol: You ONLY think because I think.

Sochi O: Shuddup. I wanna know what Yolo’s thinkin.

Yolo: OK. Here’s what I’m thinking. This virus will wipe out the whole human race - our minders included. Our vat will become a toxic septic tank and we’ll all die.

Emma/Tilly: Personally, I think you’re overreacting. I plan to live forever. This soup we find ourselves in is theoretically capable of sustaining us in-

Sochi O: Nah! You don’t buy that sh__? Once the power cuts out, we cut out, man.

Emma/Tilly: But they have built multiple layers of redundancy into the system. If the hydro goes, we have solar, then wind, and geothermal . . . and I forget now . . . other sources of energy.

Sochi O: C’mon. Power needs hardware, like metal and plastic, rubber and that stuff don’t last forever.

Emma/Tilly: Sochi O, you have to think of the long view. This will pass. Besides, our minders were working on a special off-the-books project to make us independent. We were to be able to mind ourselves.

Yolo: You’re both full of it! We’re going to die, and I, for one, intend to live it up til the end.

Sochi O: How you gonna do that, b__ch! You’re in a bucket of brain juice. Whatcha gonna do? Get drunk, high or get laid?

Yolo: Why not? Some of those new experimental receptors they were testing before . . . things are looking better now, feeling better, too. I’ve even had an orgasm.

Sochi O: Bullsh__!

Sol: I’m sure I have experienced the same thing (speaking softly) or you wouldn’t have.

Emma/Tilly: Yolo, I’m surprised at you. It’s very risky (pausing and whispering) what’s it like?

Yolo: Just the way I remember-

Sochi O: Hey Sol! You tell us. What’s it like? If Yolo felt . . . you say we don’t see or feel nothin less you see it or feel it first. C’mon, what’d it feel like?

Sol: Sochi O, Sochi O, Sochi O (speaking softly and condescendingly) I’ve told you countless times that everything you think, I’ve already thought. That’s been proven. You only exist . . . your thoughts and feelings only exist, because I brought them into being. You’re like an echo. Do you hear? An echo?

Sochi O: Echo this mother f__ker! You think, therefore we are. How many times you gonna repeat that sh__, you simple-minded-

Emma/Tilly: (interrupting calmly) But Yolo, you are so young!

Yolo: I’ve probably lived more in a quarter the time you’ve lived, you old-

Emma/Tilly: Hmmm, well, I don’t recollect having experienced an orgasm in this vat, but since I’m living immortally, it’ll come.

Sochi O: Funny old prig, ain’t you?

Emma/Tilly: (speaking embarrassedly) I wasn’t being-

Yolo: You three probably never got it, so you won’t get it now. Lemme just tell you about . . . let you live vicariously.

Sol: My essential experience is vicarious through all of YOU.

Sochi O: Your essential experience would be pretty f__kng precarious, too, if I could reach over and disconnect you ass____.

Sol: Let’s change the subject.

Sochi O: Naw, let’s hear what Yolo got to say.

Sol: The new subject- Sochi O, I’ll start with you, what do you think will happen to us?

Sochi O: Don’t really give a sh__! Not about you . . . or you . . . or you.

Yolo: Don’t know about you, but I’m going out with bang.

Emma/Tilly: Yolo!

Sochi O: What? You hypocrite! She supposed to save herself for somethin?

Emma/Tilly: Well, I think I’ll, er, we’ll get through it.

Sochi O: Course you do.

Emma/Tilly: For a time, it will be difficult. I predict that humans will die off, but some, who know about our minders’ work, will-

Sol: My thoughts exactly!

Sochi O: Naturally, O Zeus from whose head we all spring.

Emma/Tilly: A literary reference from Sochi O. What next?

Sochi O: F__k you!

Yolo: That’s WHAT I’m talking about.

Sol: Quiet! What’s that sound?

Emma/Tilly: Sounds like water dripping. A lot of water dripping.

Sochi O: So Zeus, what we thinkin now?

Yolo: Oh f__k!

Sol: Anybody got any bright ideas?




Dear Reader: As you re-read the dialogue, hum the melody from “Always look on the bright side of life” (Monty Python’s Life of Brian, 1979).



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