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IT Comes Back

Gregory C Wilder Jr.

IT came back...
Approaching 8 Months since the tragedy –
To be honest, I had nearly forgotten.
Not sure what sparks the memory back now,
Staring out the window on this cold, gray October morning –
When my feelings start to mirror the changing of the seasons,
And the summer slowly fades away to fall.
That nip in the air and deteriorating Sunlight.
As the piling leaves stripped from their branches
Brings to mind the barrenness of the trees;
And how they seem to mimic the emptiness
Of impending S.A.D.ness in the months to come...
Or maybe with Halloween on the horizon,
Horror hangs more heavily in the air.
And here I stand, a Bipolar Santa Claus,
On the eve of winter’s first snowfall –
And all is well on the North Pole of course,
        Until all you do is give and give,
                And then things go South,
                        AndIT comes back...
IT always comes back – When you least expect it.
ITcreeps up when you’re at your most vulnerable.
IT knows your every weakness.
IT keeps you paralyzed in your bed.
IT is your worst Nightmares come to life
At every waking moment,
Afraid to get up and face the day ahead.
IT plays on your every Fear and Anxiety:
That everyone is against you.
That your life is all a lie.
Telling you you’ll never be good enough,
So what’s the point to try?
ITis my two failed suicide attempts
And every time someone else succeeds –
So sometimes, I wonder
Why I’m still here...
WhenIT drags our children into the deep –
With promises of Balloons and Floating.

A Journal Entry:
Saturday, March 10, 2018 –
IT claimed another victim this morning...
Police pulled the body from the River –
An old friend of mine – I found out while walking around the Mall.
A feeling of intense numbness washing over me –
As if the perpetrator crept up from behind,
Looking over my shoulder laughing.
Knowing this was ITs doing -
The Sadness and Anger and Disgust,
At the town that we come from.
A place, which to me is a manifestation of IT.
And how, after all this time, did I manage to forget?
Maybe I’ve just been too busy –
Too caught up in the riff raff
Of rat race responsibilities to stop and think.
Too busy Adulting – Too busy running from my past,
To allow IT to all catch up with me...
Maybe it was just until now that the fear
Of having to go back makes it perfectly clear –
Because as soon as I approach the City Limits,
IT
IT comes back while thinking of turbulent teenage years –
Reminiscing... A return to this Hometown Hell.
Coming face to face with that old life you escaped.
IT was that first fateful Summer here: The Flood.
The pain of being jumped by thugs and unrequited love.
IT is the hurt person that I had become
Who just couldn’t help hurting others...
Because IT is the neighborhood bully’s torment –
Targets of their displaced feelings
Before going home to a Stepfather’s beatings.
A vicious cycle of abuse.
IT is an overbearing parent’s care –
Their own childhood traumas transfused.
Suffering for the sins of the Father.
IT was my lack of all self-esteem.
IT called me Nerd, a Dork, or a Dweeb.
And IT would always be this way,
At least that’s how it seemed...
Not knowing one day I’d find
Other people just like me.
So now I can finally say:
“I’m proud to be in The Loser’s Club!”
The cool kids aren’t as cool as us anyway...
And we all try our best to suppress IT every day –
To fill the empty feeling IT leaves inside us.
With drinks... With drugs...
With codependence or meaningless sex.
With Netflix binge watching
And social media downward comparisons.
With work. With money and material goods.
With rituals and religions –
All done in vain attempts at ignoring IT.
IT keeps working-poor whites from reaching out for help.
“You’re privileged,” they say. “You can’t have any problems”
So paint a smile on that pasty clown-face and keep it moving –
Until they find you,
        With your wrists slit,
                In a bathtub
                        When IT comes back...
Or maybe things will seem better,
For a moment, that is fleeting,
On a Therapist’s couch or a 12 Step Meeting...
So as we stand with our hands held together
In this circle we can acknowledge,
Individually, we are too powerless to stop IT...
But together we can all finally beat this monster!
When IT’s gone and the scars of the past disappear,
We’ll all have to make a pact,
To return if IT does –
And in the meantime just hope,
That this time, IT never comes back...

Troy, October 2018

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