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Enough Rules Already

David J. Thompson

I have to give Moses credit for whatever
that crazy shit was back at the Red Sea.
I mean, we walked right through when
the water parted and then it came down
and just fucked up all the Pharoah’s men
and their fancy ass chariots. We laughed
and laughed, finally felt good about ourselves
and the future where God was leading us,
but then after a few weeks it seemed like
we were just wandering around the desert,
pretty fucking lost. It was hot as hell,
and we were eating most of our meals at Arby’s,
or just getting beef jerky and Doritoes
at whatever gas stations we came across.
Finally we found a nice campground
at the foot of Mount Sinai with a pool,
indoor showers, even a putt-putt golf course.
Any-hoo, Moses told us to stay put for a few days
because he was heading up the mountain
by himself to talk to God. So we hung out,
having a pretty good time after all that walking,
swimming or playing cards in the shade
during the day, and we had a pretty good
co-ed softball league going in the evenings.

Any-hoo, after a few weeks with wishy-washy Aaron
in charge, everybody was getting a little restless
and the next thing you know somebody bought
a few kegs of Busch Light from the camp store
and we always had loads of Lebanese hashish,
so a big party got started. We were all rocking out
around this cool statue of a huge golden calf
some of our more arty types put together,
blaring some bootlegs of the Grateful Dead show
they did at the Great Pyramid while were were building it,
when who comes down the mountain, talk about
bad timing, but old Moses himself. He’s carrying
these two big stone tablets, and, boy, you can tell
he’s really pissed off. Somebody shut off the music
just as China Cat Sunflower had started when
suddenly some lightning came flashing down
and set the golden calf on fire. Then Moses threw
the tablets into the fire and started screaming
about all this shit we’re not supposed to do
like adultery and swearing and stealing,
as if we were really in the mood to hear
that kind of crap from some geezer
who’s had us lost in the fucking desert
for so long. What a buzz-kill. By then,
it was raining like hell, so the party broke up
and everybody headed back to their tents
to dry off and get ready to head out again
in the morning. For Christ’s sakes, Moses,
we all felt like saying, enough rules already.
The next time you go talk to God, come back
with pizza or something to keep the party going.
Extra cheese and anchovies would sure be nice.

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