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This writing was accepted for publication in the 108 page perfect-bound ISSN# / ISBN# issue/book “Spartacus” Down in the Dirt, v178 (the December 2020 Issue) Order the paperback book:

Order this writing that appears in the one-of-a-kind anthology Late Frost the Down in the Dirt Sept.-Dec. 2020 issues collection book		get the 420 page Sept.-Dec. 2020 Down in the Dirt 6" x 9" ISBN# paperback book:

Minefield

Yvonne Nguyen

i.
Buying a house for the way
the snow huddles on the front porch
on the coldest day of the year
is like loving a sad girl
for the way her eyes crinkle when she smiles—
you won’t see it often enough
to make it worth it. But you and I bought that
sad house with the snowless front porch
because you said we could use our imagination
and that would be enough. I imagine
lifeless snowflakes piling up
in our bathroom and kitchen now.

ii.
Leaving me is not the worst part of what you did. It was leaving
parts of you behind
for me to trip over when I got up
for water in the middle of the night.

iii.
I stumble past that bruise
in the drywall that I deepened each time I wanted to hurt you instead
and my hands feel that twitch all over again
like I could set this entire damn house on fire
and instead live in the memories that you left behind for me
like worn out clothes you couldn’t bother getting rid of.
            And when I flick on the kitchen lights I’m slapped in the face with that
sticky orange paint you let me pick out. Now, I never question what color regret is.

iv.
Memories crash in on each other
like burning buildings and suddenly I’m living in a minefield
of nostalgia terrified that
at any moment I could be struck
with remembering.             That excruciating and familiar
warmth. It’s like forcing whiskey down
a recovering alcoholic’s throat,
it goes down so easy but
            I can’t want that burn anymore.

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