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Kate grabbed her purse from the floor. “You’re nothing but a jerk-off,” she said, getting up from the plush white sofa.
Ralph reached for her hand. “Don’t leave – please?”
“What are you waiting for, Ralph? You promised we’d make love tonight. You’re a big boy now – remember? Forty-six years old today. I’m not sticking around for any more of your rites of passage.”
She yanked her hand free and headed for the door. “I’m out of here – for good.”
Ralph’s body jerked in unison with the slamming door. He covered his ears. Where did I go wrong? Had it all so perfect. He looked around his apartment. From its off-center position on the walnut coffee table, a spray of rusty mums brought autumn to the room. The sputtering crackle of a burning hunk of creosoted wood, cheered. The roasted quail and wild rice turned out superb.
“You do know how to woo a woman,” Kate had said.
A dying ember from the burning log broke off and tumbled through the grate with the hollow sound of someone walking on a lava cinder cone.
“I tried to do it right.” Like Mother always says.
His eyes searched her photograph framed in gilt edges on the marble mantel. Kate won’t listen to me now, but Mother will.
He went to his desk, picked up the cordless phone, punched Memory 1, and waited.
“Ralph darling. What a surprise. I thought you saved this day for your favorite lady. Did something go wrong? Did you burn the quail?”
“No, Mother. Worse than that. She stormed out on me.”
“On you? The perfect man?”
“It seems she wants more than flowers, wine and talk.”
“Yes ...”
“But when it comes time ... I freeze up.”
“Oh, darling. You do deprive yourself. Is it something I did wrong?”
“No, Mother. It’s not you. It’s me. I see them all as something special. I don’t want to hurt them.”
“But Ralph, darling. That’s exactly what you’re doing. A woman needs the assurance of acceptance that comes when a man shows his love physically. Oh, darling. Did I neglect to teach you that? Ralph darling. Call her. Talk to her. Convince her.”
“But, Mother ... “
“Excuse me, darling. Anthony is here, the quail is ready. I am ready. Good luck with your lady friend.”
“But, Mother,” Ralph cried to the dial tone.
He stared for a moment at the dead phone, then took the empty brandy snifters to the kitchen. As he rinsed the dinner dishes he mulled over his mother’s words. Call her she says. But what if she won’t answer? Can I take another rejection? “Rejection?” he exclaimed aloud. “Is that what Mother meant? Does Kate find my behavior a rejection? No wonder she stormed out.”
Ralph looked at his watch. She must be home by now. He hurried to his phone, punched Memory 2. Held his breath as he counted the rings. Heard the receiver lift and felt his heart make a fist.
“Kate. It’s me ... Ralph. Please talk to me Kate. I love you.”
“Love me? I don’t think you know what that word means.”
“I treat you nice, Kate. You know I do. What about last month when I took you to your family’s reunion in Las Vegas. I paid for everything. Your airline ticket. Your meals ... even your room.”
“That’s just the point. You paid for my room. Oh, Ralph. Even my brother raised his eyebrows at us having separate rooms.”
“Marry me Kate. I know I could pull it off if we were married.”
“I love you, too, Ralph, but I won’t marry you. Not unless you prove that you’re a man. Do something. Rob a bank. Steal a diamond ring. Show me you’ve got balls.”
Again Ralph stared at the dead phone.
“Dead, but not for long. I’ll show her I’m alive. I’ll show her I’m a man.”
He went back into the kitchen and finished cleaning up. Returned to the living room, stoked the dying log, and sat down to think. A knock on the door interrupted.
“Mother!” He opened to her and ‘her gentleman friend.’
“You sounded so distraught, Darling. We decided to come over and console you.”
“Perfect timing. I need some practical advice. Come in. Sit down.” He gave them each a snifter of brandy then turned to Anthony. “You’re a former banker. What are the odds for a successful bank robbery?”
“But, Darling,” Mother said. “I thought she wanted sex ... not money.”
“She wants a man. And I have to prove that I’ve got balls. She suggested I rob a bank.”
“There’s got to be a better way,” Anthony said. “Robbing a bank is a Federal offence.”
“You can’t be serious, Darling,” Mother said.
Ralph smiled and played out their visit with grace and hospitality. When they left he set his mind toward an attack. Next day, after work, he drove directly to the Mall and aimed for Mayor’s Jewelers.
“I’d like to see something in a diamond engagement ring.”
“Yes, Sir,” the clerk replied. He brought out a black velvet-lined tray of rings. “These are top of the line.”
Ralph took one – the biggest – and put it on his pinkie. “Lovely,” he said, wiggling his finger back and forth.
“How much for these heart-shaped earrings?” a woman beside Ralph asked, distracting the clerk.
Now! Ralph told himself. Walk away.
“Ralph, old boy,” a voice nearby resounded. “Have you finally decided to take the plunge?”
Ralph looked up and saw his old school mate, Harry, approach, wearing his policeman’s uniform. He felt his insides churn. They gurgled and coiled and threatened to gush out in release. He placed the ring back in its groove and rushed to the lavatory.
At least I had a good bowel movement, he thought coming out. He felt refreshed and self-satisfied, like a little boy who had just been praised by his mother during potty training. He looked around the area. Ole Harry’s probably still lurking around someplace. I’d better call it quits for today.
Next day he returned to the mall. He strolled past the jewelry store, but decided against that approach. A display of green glassware drew him to the window of William Sonoma’s. Kate would like that candy bowl. Could I fit it in my pocket?
“Darling, you shouldn’t.” His mother’s voice pierced his ears.
Ralph jumped as though he’d been caught.
“You know I love that crystal, but it’s so expensive. Besides ... it isn’t even Christmas.”
Ralph felt his intestines begin to roil again and his face sweat. His heart pounded in double time, gave a slight pause, and sputtered in a cough.
“You look pale, Darling. Come let your mother buy you a cup of hot herbal tea.”
If I tell her I’m too busy, she’ll just ask why.
“Poor, Dear. You work too hard to please that girl.”
“Her name is Kate, Mother.”
“Whatever. I wish she wouldn’t torment you.”
Another night wasted, Ralph thought when he left his mother off at her apartment. If I don’t succeed tomorrow, Kate will think that I don’t care. He lay in bed trying to conjure an image of her, without success. He got up and paced the living room, stopping abruptly before Mother’s picture.
“No wonder I can’t make it with Kate ... with Mother watching. What a fool I’ve been. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will do it.”
When tomorrow came, so did an order from his boss. “This report has to be finished and postmarked today ... if it takes you till 11:59 to do it.”
And it almost did. It was near the closing hour by the time he signed the cover letter. He sealed and stamped the envelope, and headed for the parking lot. If I don’t catch all the red lights, I can make it. When he reached his car, he found Mother sitting in the front seat.
“Lucky you, Darling. You get to take me home.”
Ralph felt that catch in his heart again, then he cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, Mother. I’m not going home now. You’ll have to take a cab.”
“But Ralph. I’ve been waiting here so long ... and cabs take forever.”
Ralph opened the door on his mother’s side. “I’m sorry. Go back to the doorman ... he can call for you.”
Mother’s eyes grew big. She stared at her son for a moment. “It has something to do with that girl ... doesn’t it?” She climbed out of the car and stalked away.
After mailing his report, Ralph went straight to the Mall and the lingerie department in Saks. Two women were talking with the clerk, making a purchase. Ralph looked around to see if anyone was watching. He turned his back to the counter, fondled a pair of pink bikini panties, and held them up to mark the size. She likes black and white, he thought and grabbed up a couple more. He tucked them in his belt, beneath his coat, and turned to leave.
“May I help you, Sir?” the clerk asked.
“Guess not. I forgot the size.” He made it to the perfume counter, just inside the entrance, when the plainclothesman accosted him.
“Stop right there, Hot Pants,” he said. “You’re under arrest.”* * *
When they arrived at the police station, Ralph was not surprised to see Harry at the admittance desk.
“Caught ... snitching panties? I always knew you were some kind of creep ... with those prissy ways of yours.”
“I’d like to see you be half as daring,” Ralph replied. A warm feeling of satisfaction spread through his tense body.
Harry’s jaws tightened and the vein on his neck began to pound and swell. He scowled for a second then reached for his pen and proceeded to fill out the forms. “You don’t know from nothin’. What’s your mother going to say?”
It’s surprising, but I don’t seem to care what my mother thinks. I’ve never felt so free... so exhilarated in my life.
Harry signaled one of the officers to come over. “I’m puttin’ you in the hopper now, till someone comes and bails you out. Should I call your mother?”
“No. Call my girl friend, Kate.”
“Girl friend?” Harry shoved the phone across the counter. “Here ... call her yourself.”
“You have reached 739-4601. Please leave your name and number and I will return your call as soon as possible.”
“Kate. It’s me ... Ralph. Pick up.” No reply. He left his message, felt his heart slip to his feet.
“What’s the matter?” Harry asked. “Wasn’t he home?”
Ralph clenched his fist. “You looking for trouble?”
“Take him away ... before he gets himself in deeper water.”
The jailer shoved Ralph into a large cell with the other overnighters. He stood there for a moment until his eyes adjusted to the dim light, then looked around. One man was curled up in a corner, snoring loudly. Another babbled incoherently. “What’d they get you for, Man?” asked a guy close by.
The smell of alcohol and rancid body odors filled the closed in area. Ralph felt his stomach acids rise, ready to explode. He turned his eyes toward the passageway and focused on Kate.
“Hey, pretty boy. You too good for us,” someone taunted.
Ralph kept staring straight ahead. What if she won’t come?
A fellow sitting nearby patted Ralph on the shoulder with a gentle motion. “Take off your coat and stay a while, Buddy. There ain’t nobody going to come bail you out tonight.”
She’ll come. She’s got to come.
Time dragged on and on. Ralph’s hopes fell. What have I done, anyway? Me. Ralph. Caught shoplifting. I deserve to be locked up. What will Mother say?
Just as his eyelids dropped in exhaustion, he heard his name being called. The jailer opened the door and led him to the front desk. Kate stood there, wearing the biggest smile Ralph had ever seen.
“Don’t you feel bad, you dirty creep?” Harry said. “Making a sweet girl like her ... come and bail you out?”
Ralph answered with a look of pity. He turned to Kate and smiled. “Bad?” he said. “I never felt so good!”
