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Somehow Passed the TempTemps Background Check

Todd Mercer

    After my underlings burned down our office building on Overly Casual Friday, the company elected to let me go. They had a strict no-fires policy. Certain setbacks are so substantial that they can’t be alleviated by a trip to Applebee’s on half-off mojitos day. Believe me, I tried that first. I struggled to secure a senior management position within my field, so I changed careers.
    I nailed down a temp position placing down-and-outers at a temporary agency. If a worker has a verifiable skill or two, I aim to match them with a company that needs another warm body in there at minimum wage. Nothing lasts forever in this ever-changing life. In fact most assignments are completed in a week or two. My new bosses put it on me to weed out the wing nuts and the potential shooters. People who may wish to kill their co-workers on general principles have to move it down the road and work for Manpower. The biggie.
    If you are under the misconception that we still have a middle class in this country, come meet the underemployed PhDs who come to me in hopes of factory work.
    I can’t disclose how much they pay me, but it’s twelve an hour. Benefits are scheduled to kick in if I make it ninety days. I feel fairly confident but have noticed we end assignments on day eighty-nine.
    Because of the pending civil suits I’m not at liberty to discuss what caused the fire. So far no one who survived it raised their hand and said, “My bad.' The fire marshal blames whoever was in charge.
    Don’t make the same mistakes twice, I say. This office does not allow a dress-down day where the staff feels that Jello shots on the clock or arriving in one’s skivvies are acceptable. If they wanted us to increase the formality on Fridays, I would be prepared to show up in a top hat, tuxedo and spats.
    My wife isn’t very happy with my current situation. And that’s without her knowing about Trudy from Accounting also hiring in. Trudy’s my boss now. Not that I was messing with her, but in light of the disaster that’s completely over with. Most likely.
    Here at TempTemps we are much too mature and professional to cut corners or over-fraternize. We do everything by the book and I for one am pleased we do. There’s enough work to do keeping our workers hungry without letting them actually starve. There’s an equilibrium, a fulcrum point my desk is balanced on.
    Not one fire here in eighty days of being on staff. Zero calls to 911 and that’s how I expect to keep it. I run a tight ship. Now. This job is almost thankless but it’s still a job, and jobs are surprisingly hard to find.
    I see smooth sailing ahead, possibly a Dental benefit. The worst shifts here are easily remedied by a trip to Applebee’s. My first raise comes in ten days. It seems life is looking up for me. If you know any warm bodies in need of basic employment, send ‘em down to TempTemps and together we will live the dream for an average of seven to ten days.

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