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Tom & Susan

Richard K. Williams

    “I have to tell you. My most prized possession is my boyfriend Brad! He’s so sweet to me, so loving, he’s wonderful! I’m so lucky to have him!”
    “You’re a moron.” He replied. His voice more irritated than angry.
    She stared at him eyes wide, a hurt look on her face. He took a swallow from his beer, letting his insult hang there like a sour smell, enjoying the tension.
    They sat at the bar in silence staring into their glasses the minutes passing heavily. She let out a long sigh.
    “Well?” He asked
    “Well what?”
    “Well aren’t you going to ask me what my most prized possession is? Or are you going to be so self-absorbed you don’t care?”
    “At this point Tom I truly don’t care what your most prized possession is. You’re obviously in a bad mood and I’m beginning to be sorry for stopping in here to have a drink with you. What’s your problem anyway?”
    “My problem is you can’t have a person as a possession. As I recall slavery is illegal you can’t possess people. Also if you’re going to blurt out a declaration like that, it’s polite to inquire of the listener what their most prized possession is, unless you’re an utter narcissist.”
    “Oh god, I need another drink, where’s the bartender?”
    “She’s over there at the end of the bar fingering her cell phone ignoring her job, a perfect example of an empowered woman, another main stream feminist twat!”
    “Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to announce the winner of the misogynist of the month award, the winner is, Tom. Let’s all give him a big juicy raspberry shall we?” Susan placed her tongue between her lips and made the phhhht noise.
    “Real mature Susan.”
    Susan caught the attention of the bartender who put her cell phone slowly into her back pocket and meandered to where Susan was sitting. Susan ordered another vodka and cranberry. Tom and Susan watched the bartender mix the drink then the bartender placed the drink in front of Susan, ignoring the coaster and the empty glass sitting along the bar’s edge, her attention returning immediately to her cell phone.
    “See, see! She acted like she was taking out the trash not serving a customer! If you had said anything to her about it I bet she would get oh so offended! I told you she’s a mainstream feminist twat!”
    “What is it exactly that empowers you to spread your vicious vitriol around like toxic waste? You don’t know what she’s going through in her life! She may have just broken up with her boyfriend or husband or maybe her kid is sick or something!” And, you can stop shoveling your bullshit about feminists; you don’t know anything about them either!”
    “Let me tell you something, I sure as hell do know something about feminists! Camille Paglia is a feminist, a real feminist, not one of these whiney, offended, empowered mainstream feminists! Camilla Paglia said if civilization had been left in female hands we would still be living in grass huts. She also said leaving sex to feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist!”
    Susan stared at Tom; she took a long sip of her drink.
    “So Tom, in your philosophical hair splitting what you’re saying is; if a woman says and does things the way you want her to, she’s a real woman. But if she says and does things you don’t agree with she’s a twat and you’re not a misogynist meathead because?”
    “OK I can see this is going nowhere fast. Besides you haven’t asked me yet.”
    “Asked you what?”
    “What my most prized possession is.”
    “Oh brother, OK Tom, What is your most prized possession?”
    “Why it’s our friendship of course! But I still don’t think it’s OK for you to say yours is your boyfriend Brad. I think you said that to make me feel bad because I’m not with anybody right now.”
    Susan stared at Tom then smiled a lovely smile.
    “Well Tom, I’m sorry you feel that way but, if you feeling lonely perhaps you could go outside and take a flying fuck at the moon!”
    Susan finished her drink then looked at her watch.
    “Oh crap I’m late! I have to get moving Brad got us tickets to a show tonight!”
    She stood up gave Tom a one arm hug and a quick peck on the cheek.
    Turning away she said over her shoulder. “Same time next week?”
    “Of course, have a good time tonight, say hi to Brad for me.”
    Susan crossed the bar room and tossing a back handed wave stepped out the door onto the sidewalk.

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