journal, september 1997
I think I’m going to quit my job. I really can’t stand it here; even though I’m paid well I’m treated like crap by the owner; it’s like he resents me because I asked to be paid what I’m worth. And everyone seems to fight me on any decision to be made, even though everyone will say I am the best here at my job, they’ll still argue with me. I have really gotten to the point where I just hate it here, so much that I feel like I almost have to leave.
That’s a big step for me, that’s a big thing to say for me, it’s like a jump like when I was leaving college. I don’t plan on looking for another job in magazine design. Either:
1. I’m going to take like a year off and travel, or
2. I’m going to start a new company, or
3. I’m going to take like a year off and travel, and then I’m going to start a new company.
I could do freelance work as well, to tie me over, if I can get the clients. That way I’d have an income, all while working at home, not having to commute, not having to dress up, not having committees changing everything (I would get paid by the hour), and I could take time off when I wanted to.
Then again, I’d have to get the clients.
I’d like to start a new company, but I have a few ideas:
1. A new magazine: this poses problems of capital ($50,000-$100,000 for the first issue), and I’d need a magazine that people would really want, I’d need to fill a niche, or else I’d be competing against successful magazines... And I’d need salesmen to be able to sell ad space without an initial product.
2. A CD Rom publishing company: I’d need less capital, but I’d need distributors. What I’d want to do are more like audio art cds, films, etc., not games, so I’d be facing an uphill battle.
Maybe I could pose a plan to an existing CD Rom publishing company to be like a subsidiary to them. But who is willing to take on the risk of a whole new venture like that? If I’m not willing to take out the loan myself and take the risk myself, why should they?
Okay, so for at least now, the idea still comes back to travel.
This is probably one of the only chances I’ll have in my life to see other places, to really take the time to do it. I could write while I’m out, too. I know a family in Scotland, I may know someone with a home in London (if all goes according to their plan for getting a place in London), a friend’s family stays and has relatives in Prague and offered me a job there. I thought I could stay with people and work off my stay there or something, and just live differently for a while. I’m still single and have a savings, so this is probably the best time for me to do it. And I can’t stay at this company for another Christmas. They have a ton of extra work starting in November and we put in 80-90 hours a week and I never have time for the holidays. I can’t do that to myself again, and a part of me relishes the idea of short staffing my boss and making his life difficult.
Well...
Tentatively there’s a tour of writers that I’m slated to go on, and we’e looking for a sponsor. It’s a West Coast tour, including California, Seattle, New Mexico (there’s a poetry conference there or something). It would be in February. So I’m starting to think, if this happens, I could visit Florida for a while, like January, go do this tour in the beginning of February, then go to Prague for a month or two, then to Scotland by the spring for a month. Then we could see what happens.
I want to do it, but I’m scared at the same time.
But I can’t stay here.
I’m single.
I could keep Eugene as a roommate so I could pay less in rent and save money.
I have a savings.
Last Christmas I visited Judy on Christmas day, and I was just crying to her. I was so fed up then with my job, and I told her I wanted to travel. She did it when she was younger, and she just kept telling me, “You know you can always make it, if you have to work at McDonalds, you’ll always be resourceful enough to make it. So if you want to take the chance, go ahead and do it.”
And I don’t know if I can look at myself on Christmas day 1997 if I’m still miserable and haven’t done anything about it.
know what I mean?
Okay, I guess that’s all. I’m wondering what the family with think. I think they’ll worry, but won’t tell me. Not like I should do it with their approval, but... If I’m thinking I’d like to visit mom and dad for a month before I go, to spend some time with them, do you think they’d mind?
I’ve made plans a few times to go to Europe, or Russia, but they fall through. I want to actually do it.
