there is so much in my life that is happening at once. the new car, the new job, the new home... granted, i had to lose a good portion of my life to get it, but alas, that happens sometimes.
sometimes things go according to plan and that is the good news. when good things happen, well at least for me, when good things happen to me, well, it is at times like that when i think, what, did i do something good? do i deserve this?
i’m too used to being treated like shit, so i think what, did i do something good? did i deserve this?
when i talked to my sister she was saying that i needed a female friend as i was growing up and then i wouldn’t feel so alone all the time. i guess that is her theory on why i get along with men more than women.
granted, they can steal from me, they can beat me up, they can rape me... but hell, other than that, they are nice guys.
trust them as far as you can throw them. i guess.
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maybe getting what you want is a good thing. i met a guy on the train, a whopping 8 years older than me, and we talked like we weren’t strangers. and it was great to talk to him. and he likes me. all of this is good news. i know, i know, he is older than me. but i have to admit, that he is tall, he is like 6 3 or so, like, taller than me, even when i kiss him i have to turn my head up. which is a good thing. we’ll see if he wants to see me tonight. he should be on the train that i take home tonight.
my last ride on metra. granted, i have a ten ride token, but what the hell - I HAVE A CAR.
i know i have so much more packing and such to do, but my mind has been in other places. like, well, john.
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oh, nevermind. i’ve discovered that it is pointless for me to have hopes. i’ve done a pretty good job of repressing all my dreams. we’ll see if he wants to see me again.
or tonight.
or whatever.
letter exerpt to john:
i have met one person who has been honest with me. i mean, that i know is honest. but honesty is seldom the best policy, at least for the average person.
i don’t know how i fit into the way i think versus how the average person thinks.... that is probably why i ask questions about religion and such. people at least on some level are somewhat honest about those beliefs.
but how often do i hear the truth? if you want my answer, it is next to never. people are not honest, that much
i’ve discovered that people are not honest, and so if i say anything, it will be the first thing taken seriously out of my mouth. so i tend to shut up and the like.
just a theory.
my childhood? i was made fun of all the time. teased because i was smart, i was fat, i was the teacher’s pet... you see, i talked to the teachers because unlike everyone else i wasn’t afraid of them, the teachers liked me becausei was smart. kids can be cruel, though, and they will search for things to pick on. i don’t want to remember specific details about how they acted, because the memories are something i have tried to repress. so in other words, i hate looking back on a good part of my youth. i was just a kid; i wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself or be strong. which i am now.
i’ve discovered that people are not honest, and so if i say anything, it will be the first thing taken seriously out of my mouth. so i tend to shut up and the like.
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i was just reading over these now, and yes, i am very used to people lying regularly to me. i am not used to honesty. i crave honesty, and i never get it. it’s like this, john seems honest with me. he might hold back on the truth and all, but he doesn’t lie. well, not to me, he doesn’t, unless he had been lying to me all this time, including yesterday.
i want to have hope in something. i have been let down so much that i don’t know what or who to turn to any more. even when i have hope, a have to get let down, and then i have to kill a little piece of me. and i am tired of doing that to myself.
