8/7/99
Sometimes I get so frustrated that I have no control over things. This is why I get tense. This is why Iget aggravated. This is why I feel like I’m losing all hope, that I’m sliding down a hill with a rockslide, that as I keep trying there is nothing for me to hold on to.
I see something, a rock, a branch, I grab on to it, and as I am aliding I can’t even get my hand around it.
I see something, a piece of wood, and I grab on to it, and it breaks and I continue to slide.
I find something else as my speed on this incline increases, and I grab on to the branch and it bends until I lose control of the branch and I fall once again.
This is the way my life is, it is one big puzzle, and I am continually failing, I am continuingly sliding, and I am continually losing hope.
It is hard to hold on to hope when you lose any chances with each attempt you try.
I am getting that way now.
I am borrowing John’s computer at work because:
I changed my connectivity in AOL to a service that needs me to connect through another ISP or else I have to pay money, so I am stuck with this form of connecting to AOL until the end of this month.
Bitch.
So I came here to get on to AOL, which I did. Then I wanted to copy the files for tonight’s reading. Needed John’s instruction on how to use that fucking apparatus in order to make copies.
Then I wanted to surf the net and look over my site and
weare not in the lab, we are at his office, and the computers here can’t get on to the net.
Bitch.
So I would scan the image of me from college in black and white that I want from smoking when I was trying to act like dad, and I have everything started up, and
the computer is not responding to the scanner, which is on.
Bitch.
So I brought 10 cds so I could make mp3 files to store on John’s computer, and the computer I would make the mp3 files on
keeps failing.
Bitch.
This is what I was referring to about a lack of luck.
Rachel May and I are supposed to be meeting tomorrow for a potential street fair, hoping for a lack of rain. But she may be able to get me Quark 4 on a zip disk.
That is good news, at least.
But John has work to do here and he is not in this office and I can’t ask him about fixing the fucking scanner computer problem. And he has to get this work done in time for my reading.
---
Wow, he just came back and I figured out how to get the scanner to work. No one here told me that the cover of the scan bed had to be flat. That was never the case with working on scanning images for a publishing company and when we had better and worse printers, scanning images and negatives and slides.
Call me a nut.
But now I have one scan of me smoking on my floppy disk. And a printer copy of it so I know where to go on it to edit it. And I made it just 1 meg, at 300 dpi, so I enlarged it while I was scanning, so I can have a good quality print when I need it later.
It figured it could be a good photo to use for post axeing.
I told John that was improperly spelled - or would that be “misspelled” - and that it should be post-axing, and he said he preferred the type.
I said I like the idea of “the second axing” and he preferred post axeing. So if we do another cd, i am voting for the second axing.
Hell, I should have SOME say in this...
I like the religious undertones of the second axing.
Either way, I am ging to try to see if I can get on the net now...
