here is the deal. i am writing this while i am working. there were things i wanted to say, but i didn’t bother. you want to know what my issue is? My ISSUE? That I always want more. Yes, I know, that is MY problem, not yours. But after what I have gone though this year, my goals are even more defined and more specific now.
what does that mean for you? well, it is a favor, i know, but if your definition of love comes anywhere close to my definition of love (no, that doesn’t mean i want to get hitched and have six kids), but if your sense of understanding the value of love, if that is anywhere close to my definition, then maybe you would be willing to hear me out on this one.
I don’t need a guy realtionship or any of that other crap. i’ve pretty much gotten used to the idea of not being gushy in public or anything; that’s not my style. but i know i’m an attention whore, and sometimes i just need to hear that i am worth something. i know, i know, look at what i write and what i do and how i get published and all that other crap. but i never pay attention to that; it’s like i’m not capable to understanding that kind of stuff. i know there are men out there that find me attractive, too, but it is like this: in my own perverse head i always discount what other people say or think. well, usually my assessments are accurate, but you know, such is life.
that’s what i hate about thinking. my goals and values are so different from the average person’s goals and beliefs and such, that it is just a disappointment. i get tired of being disappointed all the time, and i get therefore tired of thinking all the time. which is why i ask what the point is, unless i change (at the core) who i am?
so either i have to get hit by a truck or happen upon a completely changed world. which option do you think will happen first?
it is hard to think about that “love” theory, and all that other crap, when there is nothing like it out there... according to my views and all that crap.
so in other words... i know full fell (i know, i know, that wasn’t even proper english, grammar-wise) that people don’t think about things like this and people accept whatever other standards seem popular at the time.
at least that is the average person.
so now this is supposed to be truth time for me...
i guess what i was asking for was someone more stable to be the rock i can lean on.
oh, that didn’t make sense. but i at least know what i meant there.
the thing i miss is not having control all the time. i am too used to being the rock for everyone else, i am used to being the voice of reason when everyone else loses their head, and most importantly, i am tired of having everyone think that as long as i seem fine, i am not needed.
a perfect example is sara. when i was in the hospital, unconscious, in a coma and all that, she was miss high and mighty, wanting to know all the details, wanting to be there for me, and this part is worth all-capping, WANTING EVERYONE ELSE TO KNOW WHAT A GREAT PERSON SHE IS BY SHOWING CONCERN. it is not like she would drive across town to see me and check on me because i was near death, this time it was at the hospital she worked in, so it was convenient for her. she is selfish that way.
we all are, i guess.
but she is worse than me like that.
This is why i have no real female friends. because she is my closest. she is neurotic, needs therapy, you name it.
then again, on some levels, i probably need it too. just that health insurance doesn’t cover it, and it’s not free. alas...
i have seen her twice since i have been out of the hospital. once was at a party at her boyfriend’s house. hardly any work there, in acting like my friend then, right?
friends are fickle, and selfish, and they lie. this much i know. even when i’m not at full capacity i am aware of this. that is why i shut up all the time and don’t tell people things.
i’m too used to people saying things and meaning them, in part, at the time, when they’ll change their mind on it two months later. that is why on some levels i clam up, and on some i tell too much.
i guess that is another one of my problems...
but the things i want are a big deal to me, and they require at least some honesty and openness on my part, in order for me to get them. i’m too used to being the rock for everyone else, and i want someone to be the rock for me. that’s what i want, and that is the most vague way i can put it. and the most general way. i am an attention whore, and i have been looking for it in any way that i have the capacity. men want a piece of flesh, well hell, i don’t even care about my own, so why should i be girl-like and act like it matters to me?
well, it does matter, and i try not to say it and i try to not think about it. if i care about nothing else, why should i care about that?
