writing from
Scars Publications

Audio/Video chapbooks cc&d magazine Down in the Dirt magazine books

 

Journal, 06/16/99



Well, it is the day after Joel’s birthday. We were over there yesterday, and Sandy and I both gave him cash. Joel said that rather than explaining what he spacifically wanted, cash would be easier for him. So I was going to go get him a South Park card to go with the cash, so I went to the mall first, but they didn’t have any cards from Spencer Gifts, so I broke down and got him a South Park key chain. I could have gotten one of one of the infamous four, but they had ones of Terrence and Phillip too, and since O liked the name Terrence over Phillip I got him a Terrence key chain.

When I saw him I got him the key chain I told him it was for his first car.

Wow. He turned 16.

I was still 12 and swimming in the pool in Florida when mom and dad told me that I was an uncle. That is mom’s nice way of saying that Lorrie had a boy. That was my first bout with aunt-hood. Sandy remembers that I was screaming and running around the house when we had to change Joel’s diapers when we were babysitting.

Give me a break. I was still a kid.

Anyway, Lorrie said that maybe Joel would trade with me because he had a South Park key chain of Mr. Hankey - otherwise known as “the Christmas Poo”. Lorrie didn’t like the fecal reference. I didn’t want to tell her that Terrence and Phillip swear and fart at each other all the time; it is all a matter of what you find offenseve at the time, I guess. I said that Joel didn’t have to give me his key chain, that this was his birthday present, the Terrence key chain. Then she brought it up again, asked Joel if he would trade and give me the Mr. Hankey key chain, and Joel said sure, that he had no problem with giving up the key chain.

So I got a Chrtismas Poo key chain out of the deal. And I was just trying to give things away for the day; it was his birthday, you know.

I took Oster to dinner and the airport last night, and he paid for dinner, and he got me to talking about my accident, and I went to tears twice during dinner. Not the kind of tears like, “I am a hysterical girl” or anything, just the “I’ve got so much to worry about that I don’t know how to let it all out sometimes” tears. Steve felt bad about it. I didn’t know how to explain to him what I went through; I don’t know how to explain it to anyone; I know I am a writer, but it is still nearly impossible for me to get the words out.

Like I said in a poem, you know how you are in a dream, and you have something to say, and your mouth is open, it’s wide open, and no words are coming out... It is like that for me with this. I don’t even know how to explain it to myself.

Steve remembers me wanting him to see me this spring. I told him at dinner that it was because I wanted SOME sort of control over my life, that I lost anyone who showed concern for me while I was in the hospital, that I didn’t live near anyone, that I had no car. It was like everyone thought, oh, Janet is out of the hospital now, I don’t have to worry about her any more.

Even with sara. I saw her twice after the hospital. While in the hospital, which was CONVENIENTLY located in the same building she worked in (fucking fancy THAT), well... while in the hospital Sara wanted to know everything about mt progress. Once I got out she ignored me like how everyone else did.

That is a friend for you.

I think everyone acted this way because they have been so used to me not needing anyone or anything, and when I was in the hospital, or almost dead, this was their chance to act like they had power in a relationship with me. That they were healthy, that they were stronger than me. That when I got out of the hospital I must have been strong again, so they can ignore me again.

And I didn’t want to be ignored. I wanted attention. I wanted someone to acknowledge me. And no one would do that for me.

Even after 6 months of the accident for me Eugene was moving to the other side of the country, and Eugene was the only one that would make the effort to spend time with me AT ALL after the accident. I was losing EVEN him.

I felt like I had nothing.

This was why I told Oster that I wanted him to see me. I wanted control over SOMETHING. ANYTHING.

Then, the fickle bitch I am, I had to go and get engaged.

---

Oster made me think of these things again, and maybe, well, this is his theory, maybe I am getting married for the wrong reasons, that this isn’t something that I would normally do.

Well, I wouldn’t have gone through these life changes before either.

I can’t say how I would have been before if I had met John. I probably would have ignored him. I don’t know.

I don’t know how I would have been. I am not a fortune teller.

I do know that I love him, and I so know that he is really good for me.

It makes me wonder ENTIRELY that I am making the right decision. I want to say that I am, but that is the thing about being a fortune teller, I don’t know how things will turn out for me. Jesus, I couldn’t have guessed my life would be like this one year ago. No way. I wouldn’t have been able to tell you how I would have dealt with it.

In a way, I still do not know how to deal with it. I guess that is what my writing is for, so that I could try to come up with some answers for myself, as well as for everyone else.



Scars Publications


Copyright of written pieces remain with the author, who has allowed it to be shown through Scars Publications and Design.Web site © Scars Publications and Design. All rights reserved. No material may be reprinted without express permission from the author.




Problems with this page? Then deal with it...