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Journal, 08/19/99



it’s strange how i can look over these files and see how much i have accomplished and see how much more i have accomplished and see that there is still so much that i have not accomplished.

finished the 2nd edition of woman, and finished the 3rd edition of the window, each in standard format. also cleaned up changing gears. just have to finish spell-checking the damn thing, which is a quite, well, it’s quite a tedious endeavor. i logged in all my journals, i transferred money to my checking from my market rate account because i owe a shitload of money to the dentist and i have not received a check from the health insurance to cover the insane fucking drugs i am obliged to take for the next two years.

god, i hate my life.

my mind is filled with so many different memories, thinking about jarvie’s death and diabetes. thinking about matt and the affect that a rapist can can on you for the rest of your life. i mean, what the fuck did he think he was doing to me? does he think i actually loved him?

swearing doesn’t seem enough.

i think about the old job, the fact that i am not suited for a job now because it has been so sucking long since i have worked in the field. i think about the fact that i have to get wedding shit together. i think about the fact that we cannot afford a house, even if i’d dropping $50,000.00 into the house for an initial payment. i think about the fact that i wish i did die from that accident, that i didn’t have these permanent injuries from it, that i didn’t have these memories from it.

so much in my life hurts now, and i don’t know how to make the hurting go away.

i put away my clothes in my room, but i did not clean my office. jesus, there is always something to do. i hate this.

tomorrow is my anniversary of what matt did to me. john is taking me to ravinia tomorrow night, because 60 peoplw from monsanto are going as well. i didn’t think about the anniversary last year because i was still in the hospital for another two days. and i’m sure john doesn’t like it when i remember anniversaries like this.

then again, i don’t like having these dates either, so as long as nothing like this EVER happens to me again, we can limit the number of bad anniversaries in my life.

maybe i should just fixate on may 7th when i think about moments like this.



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