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Order this writing in the ~300 page book
the One Thing the Government
Still Has No Control Over

This is the 3rd of a 4 volume set
of Janet Kuypers writing in cc&d


v144 past v188 are covered in this the 5.5"x8.5" paperback book
which can also be ordered as a e-book/PDF file download

the one thing the government still has no control over

journal, 11/24/99


There are so many times when I consciously have to stop myself from crying. I constantly feel as if there is no one for me and I can talk to no one. When I do count on someone they let me down. This is a consistent pattern in my life, and this is what I get for having dreams and hopes and aspirations. Why didn’t those fuckers succeed in their ’98 mission to kill me off swiftly and efficiently? How do you explain this to anyone? My curse is that I have the brains to know what happened to me, to suffer from it, and to pick up the pieces and function on my own. I think that people think that when you get out of the hospital you must be FINE. Clean bill of health. They are so wrong. I know I could have had it worse. But I think to lose that I would have to lose part of my brain as well. Now I feel like a soldier and I don’t know what I’m protecting any more. I want to give the enemy what he has been looking for. It’s a battle I am so often not willing to fight. Here. Take my weapons. You’ve stripped me of most of them now, so let me hand you the rest, freely. Let me have this, let me do this. This is what my magvum opus should be. A compilation of everything and nothing. Isn’t that what it’s all about?



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