journal, 1/21/00
apparently sandy wants it to be small, and only wants to invite mom’s friends and the wedding party. and, OF COURSE, it is all female, so none of my friends are invited and not of their FUCKING DATES are invited either. i think it is eyiquette to invite thyem to the shower, even if they are on the other side of the country, just so they know i’m getting married. is that insave of me to assume?
and john had to ask me about where i would want to live if i had it the way i wanted and i said outside of denver, where there is life there, and where there are mountains and streams and parks. and then OF COURSE i started thinking about it, and it just made me sad. it is not as if i want to go to a town where dave a. is, i just like it there. there are people there that hang out in bars and coffee shops that are younger than me. i liked that when i was there. u want to have that back. i liked being about to go to netherworld and get a weiss beer and sit with my laptop and write, and edit my novel.
which i should fucking be doing now. but i’m not.
but i liked having the freedom to go out to do that. it made writing more of a concerted effort. i don’t have that now. i haven’t written a poem in a while, and i’m going to have to come up with two readings and our vows in the next 4 months -
wait - 3 and a half months -
and i don’t even want to. i have to remind john to check up on the honeymoon and the hotel we will stay at after the wedding and the passports and the tuxedo. and even the registry, because i don’t know where the THIRD closest store is for the last place to register.
my life is quickly becoming filled with innocuous shit that i don’t care about. i don’t know how many times i have said “i hate my life” in the past week alone.
i wrote out a cursing email to sam after she wrote me an email saying that the shower will be small and that only females are invited, and from her list only mom’s friends are invited, none of mine. and i told here that i was fucking SORRY for having male friends, but their DATES might want an invitation, and people that don’t live in the fucking SUBURBS should get an invitation too if they are invited to the wedding, because they need to have some sort of notification that i am getting married in the first fucking place.
isn’t this supposed to be a happy time for me?
