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Chapter 38 (v2)
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The Hands of a Handyman

Dateline Pennsylvania, January 23

William, a 25 year-old handyman,
was sent by his employer
to a Bethlehem home
for a basement renovation.

While using a miter saw
(a cumbersome circular saw),
his concentration faltered,
as did his aim.
As his attention slipped,
so did the saw,
which then
sliced off his hand.

We’re sure he was depressed

that he just lost his hand.

Because losing his hand
must have put him into a
downward spiral,
as he then decided to shoot himself.

In this client’s basement.

So yes, William proceeded
to shoot himself
in the head,
a dozen times,
with a pleumatic nail gun.

Now, this homeowner went downstairs
to check on the progress
of their basement renovation.
The basement was empty,
but their dog
discovered William
curled in the corner,
without a hand,
and with nails coming out of his head.

Just imageine this:
You hire a handyman
to remodel your basement,
and you see him
after he hacked off his hand
after he then tried to end his life
with one hand
by trying to nail his forehead to death.

They called the company owner
and he came to the scene,
he found William’s hand,
put it in a clean plastic sandwich bag,
and took William
and his hand
to the hospital.

The homeownder apparently
encountered an unfortunate delay
in their basement reconstruction

but there is a happy ending for William:
at St. Luke’s Hospital
in Fountain Hill,
doctors pulled at least twelve
one and a half inch nails
from William’s head
and reattached his severed hand.

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