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Journey
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Knelt and Cried

Janet Kuypers, 09/03/06 #3

I was in the minivan
or whatever the Hell you call
dad’s new car, driven only 930 miles
dad driving, sister in the front seat
me and brother in the back seats
my husband behind me in the far back seat
and I waited at my father’s house for a while
so we could go to my mother’s services
well, they weren’t services
she didn’t want that
but dad thought the kids would want
to see my mother
before she was cremated
so there we were, the family
in ties
in black dresses
sitting and waiting
in our little hearse
to drive us to Fuller Funeral Home

for our final visit

we were in the car
and my husband in the far back seat
and he knew I was sad
he sensed I was crying
while the hearse took us to the funeral parlour
and he reached his hand forward
to take my hand
to touch my shoulder,
to something

and I couldn’t see his face
but his hand
was a grave consolation
as our hearse rolled on
to our chance to say farewell

I was trying not to cry
in the ride in the hearse
to the funeral parlour
I’ve been a good Marine
I’ve been trained to not cry
but I couldn’t help the tears at that point
and I did my best to stifle them
so no one would consider my sniffling
and no one would question
my faltering emotions

we had to take two separate cars
and we arrived
and we were greeted when we entered
and we asked where to go
and they pointed the way
to lead us in the right direction

and I think we were all afraid
to go into that room

to see her

well, I can’t speak for anyone else
I know I was afraid
afraid of what I’d see
afraid of

afraid of I don’t know what
afraid of seeing how she looked
afraid of the finality of it all

just afraid

so, I’m the littlest one
of course I let everyone else go in before me
they’re supposed to want to see her more

that’s what I hear

and we walked in
and there were many seats
and you could see her face,
asleep,
peeking out of the coffin in the distance
and we all just instinctively sat down

dad finally walked to her
and knelt before her coffin

we watched him
watch her
pray for her
talk to her

I don’t know what he was communicating with her
he was with her
and we all wanted that with her
one more time
one sister went next,
knelt
cried
then a brother
then another brother
and I watched a procession of family members
all older than me
all apparently more important than me
all with more history with her than me
and

and my husband asked
if I wanted him to go with me
when I walked up to see my mother
and I thought,
no,
I need to do this on my own

I finally walked up to her
knelt before her
and looked at her
in the dress she wore to my wedding
and thought she looked so beautiful
she looked so peaceful

she looked like she was sleeping

and I hadn’t seen her that peaceful in a long time
every time I came to visit her
since the disease started
she always looked tired
when she was awake
otherwise she was asleep
and looked fitful in her rest

I looked at her eyebrows
they were penciled in very nicely
and I looked down at her nails
and they were long,
very nicely painted

and the earrings we picked for her to wear
were so dainty
and so lovely
and the dress was so nice
and she looked so peaceful

and that’s all I could keep thinking
that she looked so well rested
that she was just taking a good nap
and she would be just fine

she had to be

###

I looked at my mother
one last time
these were my final words to her face
this would be the last time I saw her

make it good, girl
you’re the one with the words
tell her what you mean
in fifty words or less
that’s how these services go, don’t they?

and I told her that I loved her
and I told her that I hope
that I carry on any of her kindness
because that’s they way she’ll live on
because the world is filled with people who aren’t nice
who aren’t kind
and losing her
makes the world a worse place

people have told me that I am kind
that I am nice
and I only hope I can do you justice
that I can somehow make this world a better place

like you did

I only hope that I can do the world justice
because the world needs you now, mom
and you had to leave us

so what do we do now

before I left her
that first time
I started to run my hands along my chest
into a cross
because I wanted all of the spirits to know
that you are there
and that you are to be welcomed
because you are blessed
even if it’s only from the likes of me



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