September 11, 2001
i remember my husband
getting ready for work
and i walked to the tv in the den
and i thought he was watching a movie
he said,
i don’t think this is a movie
i think the world trade center
has been struck
and we stared at the television
and watched a plane fly into the second tower
and then watched the towers collapse
i can’t even remember
if my husband went to work that day
as i just stared at the tv
it took two days to get through
to everyone
my friend and one brother-in-law
rescheduled Pentagon meetings
and we tried to call his sister
in shanksville pennsylvania
our nephew heard news reports
say this if flight ninety-three
landed thirty seconds later
the plane would have hit his school
my brother-in-law in new jersey
was supposed to be
in the world trade centers
for meetings that day
but you see, he decided
not to go to the meeting
lucky him
and i remember watching the tv
like i was some sort of zombie
thinking this was bigger then Pearl Harbor,
more people died,
this wasn't a military base,
i had to do something
maybe i could go there
i’d traveled around
the country by car before
i could drive this
maybe i could stay
with my husband’s brother in jersey
and train into manhattan
my husband couldn’t go,
he had to go to work
so i took off on my own,
paid the tolls on i eighty
even forgot my camera
got to his brother’s place
after one in the morning
he told me what train to take,
but said half of the subway lines
have to be closed
so i trained from jersey as far as I could
but I couldn’t get close
but i thought,
i walked seven miles to work
that’s no problem
and hour and a half
i can do that
i thought i could buy an
instant camera
at some small shop
on my walk to ground zero
and maybe i could take a film canister
so i could collect some of the building dust
because someone gave me ashes
from the mount saint helen’s eruption
and i thought,
i lived through this
i should bring something back with me
i should
i should something
but every store was closed
when i tried to walk
anywhere that day
and everything was congested
businesses seem closed,
but you still couldn’t go anywhere
so over four hours later
i got to ground zero
i was wearing gym shoes and jeans
had a bottle of sealed water
in my back pack purse
and wanted to get in to try to help
i don’t know,
to shovel things out of the way,
to something
but no one had maps
of where everything was
there were so many people there
trying to help
that they told me
that the best way i could help
was to just clear the way
so people could do their jobs
and i just stepped back,
unable to do anything,
unable to collect anything,
unable to photograph anything,
only able to stare,
like i was watching it on my tv
###
i used only lowercase writing this
even when i said “i”
i’m only lowercase
when i watched the news
on that first day
they showed people
jumping out the windows
these silhouettes of people
looked like floating paper
in a ticker tape parade
in all the debris floating around
i had to keep telling myself,
“these are people”
and when i looked around
at all of the remains
from these towering office buildings
i thought of the dust
i was breathing in
i thought
i’m breathing in drywall
i’m breathing in paperwork
i’m breathing in people
so yes, i’m only lowercase
after what i’ve seen around me
i’m nothing
