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She’s Going Home

Janet Kuypers, 06/28/06

I’ve cried about it
over and over again

it’s like I’m almost
getting used to the idea

I see her every weekend
so I can see her
as much as I can
before she leaves
to go across the country
back to her home
so she can die

and I’ve tried to learn
about what’s killing her
if the chemo doesn’t work
I hear of other
more radical treatments
we could look into
but I know
she doesn’t want
any more treatment
she doesn’t want
to be in the hospital
any longer

you see,
she’s decided
that she’s ready to die

and the rest of us
have to catch up to her

to understand it
to be ready for it
to accept it

but I don’t know
if that means
I’ll stop crying

just heard today
from my sister’s house
where mom is
gaining her strength
before she can
make the trip home

that she’s leaving
by this weekend

too quickly
for me to be able
to see her
one more time

and I know, I know
I’d visit her now
and she would be tired
and she’d barely move
and when I’d call
they’d tell me
to not talk too long
because they don’t want me
to make her too tired

and I know it’s been trying
Christ, I know it’s harder for her
but it’s been hard to see her
like this
but at least this way
I was able to
see her

which is more
than I have now

because she’s going home

and I know, I know
she’s not dead
but she’s going there to die
and when she’s there
I can’t see her

tired or not
when she goes back
she’s that much closer
to death for me

***

I know she wants to be there
at her home
with her clothes
and her kitchen
and the chair
she watches tee vee in
in the den
at her computer
where she plays her games
and checks her email
I know she want to be there
for the billions of plants
she’s got growing
around her house
I swear, she could shove
a dead stick in the ground
and it would grow,
I don’t know how she does it
she brings life to everything

isn’t that funny
she brings life to everything
the sweetest woman in the world
and now she’s going home
to die

I know it’s better for her
I keep agreeing with her
her friends
and neighbors
are there
she has people to talk to
the weather is better there for her

she doesn’t want
to be a guest
in someone else’s house
like she has been
through recovery
from her multiple rounds
of failing chemo treatment

she doesn’t want
the hospitals any more
she wants to be home
it’s better for her there
I know this

I have to keep telling myself that
I know it’s true, she’s happier there
I have to keep telling myself that

they have to make sure
she’s healthy enough
for her trip
across the country
back to her home
so she’s been recuperating
so she can go home
and fall apart in peace

my brain has to keep
reminding my soul
that she’ll be happier there
but my soul says
that her going there
just puts her
one step closer
to being gone
forever

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