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cocoon i’ve created

Janet Kuypers
4/14/12

it depresses me to the point of convalescence
feeling alone
even in a crowded room full of people

wherever i am out like this, i enjoy being in a bar
by myself
when i’ve got no one else, so i stay in my world

and drink

no, never to the point of near unconsciousness
there’s not enough liquor
i just like being away, and sort of escaping like this

but even though i live it, even though i drink like this
when i’m alone
I just feel most comfortable this way,

when i’m in a crowded room full of strangers
i avoid them
drinking my beer and staying in the cocoon i’ve created

it may seem lonely, it may seem desperate
but what are my options?
i can feel trapped alone, think there’s something wrong

because i’m reduced to drinking alone, wallowing
in depression
but even though it costs more, it’s better out here like this

really

what do i need company for in a bar anyway?
i’ve even got a business card
that i got from the museum of contemporary art that says

Dear Friend,
I am not here to pick anyone up, or to be picked up.
I am alone because I want to be here,

ALONE.
and the card is meant to be given to people
who want to pick you up at a bar,

saying, really, no offense, but just let me be,
and you can give the card
as a nice (albeit weird) gesture to be left alone.

i don’t know.

maybe i’m saying that i want to be alone
because i am
and i hate having to search people out

and the thing is, i hate it that all of the good-looking suitors
aren’t rushing up to me,
aren’t knowing on my hypothetical door, just to be able to

talk to me.

i don’t know. maybe it’s just me. maybe i don’t need
these business cards
to tell people to leave me alone. i’ll just sit here

and let the world go by.

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