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This writing was accepted for publication in the
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Moon & Sun
cc&d (v268) (the February 2017 issue)




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(pheromemes) 2015-2017 poems
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(pheromemes) 2015-2017 poems

Life got in the Way

Janet Kuypers
2/21/16
(in response to “apologizing for what you didn’t do”)


1.

I tried.
I did what I could.

I had no idea
that you would die.
You seemed fine.
There were no signs.

I know I broke up with you
because I was traveling
around the country for months,
and really,
how could I expect
you to wait for me.
But I called
from a pay phone
long distance
when I could.
And you seemed fine.
There were no signs.

And I was alone
in a hotel room
on the other side
of the country,
waiting to pick
someone else up
from the airport,
and all I could do
was cry,
as I tried
to see
if I could be
with you
once more,
at your funeral,
but the flights
were out of synch
with when
I had to leave again,
and -

and i’m sorry.
I tried.
I really did.
I wanted that
moment of closure,
I wanted to say good-bye
to your painted corpse,
probably wearing
my favorite blue tie of yours.

But,
it’s probably for the best
that I couldn’t get there
to see you.
Because this way,
being alone
allowed me to cry for you
that much more.

 

2.

I tried.
I did what I could.

I lived farther away
from everyone else,
by choice,
so it was harder for me
to drive to see you
as often as everyone else did.
The cancer diagnosis wasn’t good,
but I’d meet you at the hospital
whenever I could.
I know it wasn’t enough,
life would get in the way,
but I tried.
I did what I could.

And you seemed
to be getting better,
you were in remission.
I flew across the country to see you,
no one else did that,
but even when we were together
it seems
I never knew the right words
and I never wanted to make you break down
by wanting to give you a hug.
So although I was there,
I’m sure we kept our distance
more than we should have,
and I’m sorry for that.

You have no idea
how sorry I am.

But you seemed
to be getting worse,
the cancer came back,
you were immune to the chemo.
You seemed sick
and tired
of them drilling holes in your hip
to see if the cancer
would ever
get out
of your bone marrow.

And I keep telling you,
I tried.
I did what I could.
But life would get in the way
and there was only so much
I could do.
As you seemed worse,
you slept all the time,
so I don’t know
if you’d even know
I was there.

And until you died
I tried.
I did what I could.
But I’m sorry.
Because all I could say
is that life got in the way.



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