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This writing was accepted for publication in the 108 page perfect-bound ISSN# / ISBN# issue/book “Aurora” Down in the Dirt, v168 (the Feb. 2020 Issue)  Order the paperback book: 
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Order this Janet Kuypers writing from her poetry book Every Event of the Year (Volume One: January-June) Order this 200+ page 7½" x 9¼" ISBN# book today of select poetry for holidays and events spanning the first half of the calendar year
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Order this writing that appears in the one-of-a-kind anthology Foundations the Down in the Dirt Feb.-April 2020 issues collection book
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| Joining the Grave-Robbing Crew
Janet Kuypers 2/12/19 My grandmother’s birthday is February 12th. And when I was a toddler, the family would take her out to dinner for her birthday. We would all sing “Happy Birthday” to her, and instead of singing “Grandma”, ingenious me would belt out “ Abraham Lincoln” instead. I know Lincoln’s not from Illinois, but Illinois is where he’s known (I mean, I even kept one or two of my custom “Land of Lincoln” emblazoned Illinois vanity license plates). And Lincoln is known for so many amazing things through his Presidency until he died — including attempts on his life — but I also love stories about how people even tried to steal Lincoln’s corpse. Because back in 1875, Big Jim Kennally had a really great counterfeiting ring in Chicago, be had a guy named Boyd, and he made the best money. Problems came when the Fed finally caught them, and Boyd took all the heat. So Kennally’s thinking, ‘wait a minute, I’m not making money hand over fist anymore, I’ve gotta get a plan to make more dough.’ Then he got an idea, how got a wonderful, awful idea,* so he met his goons at the bar he owned, “The Hub.” And that’s when he laid out the plans, that these two guys would kidnap Abraham Lincoln, steal his corpse, and then hold it for ransom for Boyd’s release from prison. And the goons, Mullen and Hughes, thought this was a great idea, but then they saw someone listening in. You see, this guy, Lewis Swegles, overheard them and asked if he could help them out too. The goons thought he looked like a legit guy, so they asked Swegles to join their crew — not realizing that Swegles was actually an informant for this new U.S. agency, the Secret Service (which had only been around for ten years, and the legislation creating the agency was actually on Abraham Lincoln’s desk the night he was assassinated.) And really, protecting dead Presidents so sounds like a job for them. Swegles brings this to Patrick Tyrrell, agreeing to catch these men red-handed. And really, what a way to cement the Secret Service as a true institution of the United States of America. So that night Swegles joins the two goons to go to Lincoln’s grave, but they’re shocked, because it’s not a grave they’re digging up, Lincoln’s in a mausoleum, a sarcophagus, and then a coffin. ‘This must be how rich people — or at least Presidents — are buried,’ they think... but then Mullen takes out his axe and thinks, well, a job’s a job, and he was about ready to start bashing everything around to get to Lincoln’s body. So Swegles had to stop him, so he goes ‘hey, we have to be careful, we don’t want to hurt Lincoln’s body, and the noise will alert the graveyard owners, giving us less time to run.’ So the goons listened to this guy that they thought was legit, so they opted to break in to the mausoleum, and then they try to just lift the whole thing up, which of course they couldn’t do, the sarcophagus was way too heavy. So now the goons are trying to figure out what to do, so Swegles says, ‘let me go outside and have a smoke break to think this through...’ and after he leaves he signals the Secret Service, who sneaks up. However, one of the Secret Service guys, George Hay, all stoked but all nervous, accidentally fires his firearm. The goons, Mullen and Hughes, hear the gunshot and think they’ve gotta make a run for it, even as more men are firing in the dark. And what’s really hysterical is that the goons get away because it takes so long for the Secret Service to get to the grave. The Secret Service thought they really screwed this one big time, but the thing is, Mullen and Hughes had no idea who was shooting at them. So, they just went back to The Hub, which is where the Secret Service found and arrested them. Now, I’m really sad that in all my years in Chicago I never tried to hunt down The Hub, though I think that bar’s long closed. And so what if I butted in with Lincoln on my grandma’s birthday, because with these Lincoln stories, it’s still cool to remember. * How the Grinch Stole Christmas. |
