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emergency room stories

As we sat in the car, trying to waste
time and break the long drive's silence,

one of us remembered a story about
a man who had to go to the emergency

room. he was wearing a raincoat
and nothing else, because he impaled

a poodle with his member. Now, that
was a new one, we said, and all struggled

to think of other sexually perverse
emergency room stories we heard. Like

men coming in with dead hampsters inside
them, you see, they let them go up there

when they're alive, because the hampsters
squirming around while they're being

asphyxiated seems to do it for some men.
But then, of course, the question begs

itself: how do you get the carcasses out?
Hence the emergency room, I suppose.

So we talked about other stories, like
women with light bulbs or vegetables

stuck in obvious places, then one of us
says they heard that a man came in to

the emergency room once with a dildo
stuck somewhere, but the punch line is

that he claimed to have fallen on it.
then i told the one about the woman who

had a raw hot dog stuck inside her, and
all i could think was, how horny would

a woman have to be in order to use some-
thing as flaccid as a hot dog? then someone

said, maybe it was frozen. then someone
else asked if that would be like putting

your tongue to something frozen and
having it stick. and we laughed.

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