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Not For Me Yet

Janet Kuypers, November 15, 1998


There are so many things
that I want to remember

and so many things
I want to remember about you
I don’t know if I choose
to remember things
in a certain way
or if I see them
the way everyone else does

I’m sure it’s not like that

I’m sure I come into
any given situation
with certain ideas
with certain hopes
with certain fears

and all the hopes and fears
never happen that way for me

I’m used to that too, you know

You started to rub my back today
before you guys were about to
take the long drive home

and I even had
to say out loud
that I didn’t want this to end
that I was enjoying this too much

well, I knew it was because
I wanted you near me
and I didn’t know

how to ask for that
and I didn’t want to tell you
that you shouldn’t go

I had no security yet from you
I had no assurances yet either

nothing was resolved

not for me yet

And I always have hopes
I know that I do
and I know that all my hopes never
amount to anything
and you’ll always look at life differently
this I know

but that doesn’t mean
that I can’t hope things
are different
I can’t hope that yet

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