Order this writing in the 2010 6" x 9" ISBN# book Dual
of Janet Kuypers poetry converted to prose, based on 1990s chapbooks
from GAD Publishing Company of Kuypers: “Drop.” and “Roll.”
Not Getting Better 2005
Janet Kuypers (original written 10/24/98 as a poem, turned into prose 09/26/05 and edited 08/29/10)
Everyone is thinking that I’m getting better, but no one knows what it’s like. No one knows what pain I still go through.
Yes, I’ve been fighting, but I still don’t see the signs that anything is getting better. People can tell me that it is but that doesn’t do me any good.
I’ve wanted things to be better for months now. I haven’t wanted to wait for everything to get better, and now I still have to wait and it’s already past due.
This getting better thing isn’t fair. At least not to me, it’s not.
People think my vision is better because I’m not wearing my glasses, but I’m just not wearing my glasses because I don’t want to be dependent on things, I want to have no physical signs of failure or frailty. So... So I don’t weart my glasses, even though I should, because I want to just be better. And this is the failing cycle I’m going through.
So yeah, people think my vision is better because I’m not wearing my glasses. That’s a good example, but it’s not. But yeah, everyone is thinking that I’m better, and I’m not.
You could say i’m lying to people by not wearing my glasses, but this is my mental battle, to try to be free and independent again. And it’s not the glasses that people are really talking about when they say I’m getting better anyway, they’re talking about the thing they can’t see, only I can see them, and I’m tired of them telling me I’m getting better when I know I’m failing and I know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I still can’t see, but I have to come up with a way in my head to make it better. So no one can see the difference. But I still feel it. I still feel the difference, and it’s not getting better.
