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Why I Prefer a Stick of Margarine to Elvis Presley’s Ghost: A Short Memoir by an Employee of Heidi Fleiss

Kyle Hemmings

    He watched me undress and compared my backside to expensive hills of albino flubber. Or a sign over a keyhole that reads: Keep Coming again. He asked me if I swallowed bluegrass. Did Homeric verse originate in a dry vagina? His twang stung. Slipped off my silk panties and faced him, those soul-slutted see-through eyes. I waited for him to disrobe. The leather peeled in delicate almost painful motions. Naked, he said he felt like a child again caught at doing what he did so many times. I said you look like The King. Or one of his impersonators hatched in a comedy cellar. I’ve been dead 35 years, he said, and all these 93 yr. old women claim to have slept with me. You know, those damn gossip columns. Do you know what that does to a ghost’s ego? He cracked stale jokes, spoke of The Colonel as a dubious phallic sub, sang in a quivering voice Blue Suede Ghouls. On the bed, he was prone, pale-faced, and MrDieingly sad. I tried to palm his genitals then straddle him. My hands went through him like the lies of a thousand men through my ears. I felt frigid as a heirloom and I only managed to touch myself. Sex, I stated flatly, is always reflexive with a real phantom. He asked if I were in this business only for the money. Get out, I said.



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