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enjoy this Kyle Hemmings writing in the free April 2013 PDF file chapbook I Was Charles Bronson’s Secret Hostage				You can also order this as a 2013 6" x 9" perfect-bound paperback ISBN# book! Click on the cover spread for the book I Was Charles Bronson’s Secret Hostage

I Was Charles Bronson’s Secret Hostage

Kyle Hemmings

What’s worse than putting your skinny nose in a nut cracker?
It’s being taken hostage by Charles Bronson in his leaning house
on a mountain. I think Charley has gone nuts. He keeps pacing
in front of me with hands behind his back and saying something
about the weight of happiness is too much for all of us to bear.
Charley, I yell, what gives! Please untie me, I’m getting nervous.
He says for me to give him the code, first.

I say WHAT CODE, CHARLEY? YOU MEAN THE
CODE TO MY MOTHER’S COOKIE JAR, THE ONE SHE
ALWAYS KEEPS SECURED WITH TWO COMBINATION
LOCKS? OR DO YOU MEAN THE CODE LIKE THE
ONE THAT PRESSES MY FUZZY GIRLFRIEND’S HORNY
BUTTON AND SHE CAN GO THROUGH THREE MEN
LIKE A BOWL OF CHICKEN SOUP?

I mean THE CODE, says Charley. Like CODE AS IN THIS
CEILING WILL BEGIN TO LOWER IN TEN SECONDS
AND FLATTEN YOU.

I don’t know any code, I tell Charley, except in node abode
dote my fish took off with my boat.

Charley turns to me and winks. He says Nice try, kid, but
you’re missing a vowel.

He walks away.

Just like that.

I was only short a vowel.

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