“Drawing the Wrong Conclusions”
D. V. Aldrich
Ron had brought home a complete set of exercise equipment, including an exercise bench, for Brenda’s birthday gift. While she thought this was a rather peculiar gift, Brenda decided she would give it a try in hopes of dispelling the sorrowful look Ron had given her when she had made her initial comments about his selection.
Having promised a friend she would babysit her six year old daughter, Amy, Brenda decided to occupy Amy’s time with some coloring books and crayons while she went upstairs and gave the exercise equipment a try.
With Amy busily occupied downstairs and Ron just finishing up a shower, Brenda began moving the exercise equipment around, which created some noise, and she was unaware someone had come to their front door and Amy had let them inside. Now, this person was not a stranger to Amy, but he was a stranger to both Ron and Brenda. His name was Mr. Potts, and he had been to Amy’s house many times trying to get her parents to buy more insurance from him and, evidently, had stopped by Ron’s and Brenda’s house to solicit their business as well.
“Hello, Mr. Potts. Remember me?” Amy asked.
“Why, yes I do, Amy. What are you doing here?”
“Brenda and Ron are babysitting me. Do you want to see them?”
“Yes, if they’re not too busy.”
“Okay, wait over there in that big chair, and I’ll go get them for you.”
“Thank you.”
So, Mr. Potts sat down, while Amy went upstairs. Well, Ron had finished his shower and was wearing only a towel, which he had wrapped around his waist, when he noticed Brenda was taking an interest in the exercise equipment. He was so happy and had sneaked up behind her and was kissing her on the back of the neck, when Amy, un-noticed by them, got a glimpse of what they were doing. Amy quietly retreated and went back downstairs and began to assess the situation upstairs as only a six year old could.
“They’re busy, Mr. Potts. Ron is naked, and they’re making bees.”
“Do you mean like the birds and bees?”
“Of course, silly. You know about the birds and bees, don’t you, Mr. Potts?”
“Well, I’m not sure.”
“I do. When I grow up, I’m going to make me a bee, but I’m not going to put a stinger on him. Stingers hurt, you know.”
“Yes, they can be very dangerous.”
“My daddy got stung, right on his balls.”
“Perhaps, I’d better come back some.other time. Here, let me leave one of my cards.”
“What’s in that box?”
“Oh, you mean my briefcase. Well, I just keep my important papers in there.”
“My mommy has a box like that. She keeps her papers in there, too. Her papers aren’t filled up, though. She tells her boss she is going to work at home, but she doesn’t.”
“I guess we all have our little secrets.”
“I know a secret. Do you want to hear it?”
“What is it?”
“My daddy can make teeth grow while he’s sleeping, nice ones, too.”
“How does he do that?”
“I don’t know but, every night when he goes to bed, there is a glass of water beside his bed and, when he wakes up, there are a bunch of pretty teeth in that-glass.”
About then, Brenda started lifting weights for the very first time in her life, while Ron was helping her but, unaware to them, their voices were carrying downstairs, where Amy had convinced Mr. Potts that he should stay a little longer, because it does not take very long to make bees. Well, you can guess what Mr. Potts was thinking as the sounds filtered down from above.
“Okay, honey, now crouch down and put one in each hand,” Ron instructed Brenda, who was about to lift two small dumb-bells.
“Okay, now straighten up your body and pull them up to your chin,” Ron continued.
“Like this?” Brenda asked.
“That’s fine. Now, just lower them slowly.”
“Hey, that was fun. Let me try that again.”
“Okay. Now, just bring them up to your thighs this time. We don’t want to hurt anything. Wait a minute, I’ll move over this way so you can get a better position.”
Needless to say, Mr. Potts was feeling quite uncomfortable and wanted to leave, but Amy had gotten out her crayons and was making him a picture of a horse, so he couldn’t very well leave at that moment. All he could do was to sit there and listen and hope to God that Brenda and Ron would soon be over with their intimate rendezvous. Well, Brenda was ready to tackle the full size bar-bell with a minimum of weights, so Ron prepared it for her and began instructing her on the proper procedure to follow.
“Okay, honey, stand with your feet just slightly apart, lean forward, and get a good grip on it.”
“Okay, I’ve got it. What do I do with it now?”
“Be sure your knees are bent and your knuckles are forward, then ease it up to your chest. Be careful, now. I don’t want you to hurt yourself. If it’s more than you can handle, just let it drop on the floor.”
The picture in Mr. Potts’ head of what was going on upstairs could only make him wonder why Ron was so concerned with Brenda and not himself. “Perhaps I did get_the short end of the stick,” he thought and couldn’t wait to see how tall Ron was. Then, just as she had promised, Amy showed Mr. Potts the picture of the horse she had colored.
“Do you like my picture, Mr. Potts?”
“It’s a beautiful picture, Amy.”
“It’s a picture of Brenda’s horse, Diamond, but I didn’t put in his pee-pee.”
“That’s probably just as well.”
“Diamond can make his pee-pee disappear. Can you make your pee-pee disappear, Mr. Potts?”
“No, “The Man Upstairs” didn’t give me the ability to do that.”
“Well, if you asked him nicely, Ron would probably gi~-e it to you.”
“No, I didn’t mean upstairs here. I meant upstairs in heaven,” Mr. Potts replied and began to wonder if there was a love making marathon going on upstairs. Well, there really wasn’t, but Brenda had finished lifting weights and had moved on to the exercise bench, and Ron was telling her what to do by reading it out of the instruction book that had come with the exercise equipment.
“Okay, Brenda, now slide down to the end of it and bend forward.”
“Like this?”
“Try to keep your legs closer together. See, just like the picture in the book. Now, grip the sides with your hands and, keeping your elbows bent behind you, give a half lunge backwards with your butt just resting on its end. Yea, like that. Now, bring your knees up and into your chest and, at the same time, raise your upper body just a little.”
“Nothing to it. Sorry, I didn’t mean to kick you in the face. What’s next?”
“Well, let’s see what’s in the back of the book. There, that looks interesting. Hold on, you’ll need a yardstick for this one. I’ll buy you a wooden pole tomorrow. I’ll be right back. I’m going to get the yardstick, and, while I’m at it, I’ll grab the camera. This should make a good picture for our album.”
“Hand me the towel over there. I want to wipe some of the sweat off before we start again. Thank you.”
“Okay, are you ready now?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be.”
“Sit upright on the end and hold the yardstick between your shoulders. Now, breathe in and twist to the right, and then to the left. C’mon, honey, smile. You’re on Candid Camera.”
Within seconds of Ron’s taking Brenda’s picture, they both heard the front door slam shut. Thinking, maybe, Amy had gone outside, they both rushed downstairs to investigate. Well, Amy was standing inside the door, but they saw a man driving off and questioned Amy about the man.
“Who was that man, Amy?” Brenda asked.
“Oh, that was Mr. Potts.”
“What did he want?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why did he leave?”
“He said he had to get home to his wife.”
