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A J.B. Scottıs Dream

alan catlin


It was is if I had been here before,
the closed-in airless feeling of hot,
sweating bodies, smoking each otherıs
cigarettes, recycling all the dead still air
and the waitress is wearing a T-shirt
that says lover boy and she has the look
in her eye that says donıt even try,
wise guy and thereıs a Stones tape on
the closed circuit tv which brings me
back all the way to a college bar and Iım drinking
double Vodka Sours in the dark corner
of the bar where the bowling machines
cling and clang all night and none
of my friends ever come here because
they canıt stand the noise and sheıs
saying: ³I donıt care, Iım into
the silent spaces between the notes.²
which is really kind of weird for her
but also kind of all right too, she likes it
weird, lays her hand on my knee,
leans forward in the dark barroom,
so close I can see the thin white scars
on her forehead beneath the thick blonde
hair and sheıs saying: ³Itıs All Over Now Baby Blue.²
but she canıt find it on the juke box
all selector so I settle for Too Much
of Nothing because itıs by Dylan too
and itıs how I feel most of the time
these days and thatıs why I donıt care
that Iım drinking Double Vodka because
pretty soon, Iıll be sick and drunk
and nothing will matter and if Iım lucky
I might even pass out and Iım singing
along with the words and she says:
³I thought you were into silences?²
and Iım saying: ³Oh, thatıs true, I am but
sometimes I like to fool myself into
thinking I might be alive.² and now sheıs
saying that she had to make love to me because
sheıd never met anyone so intensely bizarre
as I was and I must be Oh, wow, like
surreal in bed and Iım telling her that
it was true, all my lady friends call me
the Mad Russian and some even say there
oughta be a law against my coming around
and in some places I hear maybe there is.
I order one more double Smirnoff Silver
neat while sheıs powdering her nose or
whatever it is a woman does in the bathroom
when she wants a man to wait and Iım
punching in All Along the Watchtower
on the selector and Iım losing control
because I really donıt like hard whiskey
or fast women but the two run in pairs and
Iım always in bars, on one side or the other,
and sheıs got these long, thin fingernails
that leave scars on your back and itıll
hurt all night whenever I look at her staring out
into the long, dead silences between love
screams and I wonder what spaces there are
in her I was supposed to fill but I get no
answers and then, there I was again in
Scottıs and everyone is sitting on the bar
as if they are squeezed into the back room of
the courthouse for The Trial and they are
stamping their feet on the bar stools
looking out into the smoke and the haze and
Jim Carroll is singing about All Those People
Who Died and no one can remember the words
to this song except a crazy blonde with
razor fine hair and I wonder if she still
kisses like a snake, if she still loves
to draw blood from your bones and if sheıs
always gone in the morning whenever I wake up.



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