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The 200 Millionth Coming (Chapter 93, Verses I-VII)

C Ra McGuirt

    I. i. After passing the Night with Words, I turned off My Machine for a Coffee and the Paper. ii. I don’t remember the Headline: Someone Somewhere was in Serious Trouble. iii. I made for the Editorial Page, because Opinions (however Stupid), are usually more Compelling than the Somewhat Objective Truth.

    II. i. In letters to the Editor, They were still Bitching about jesus; Who he Was; Where was he From; the Color of his Skin and Eyes; Whether or not he’d had a Dog; & who he would Have Voted For in the Last Presedential Election. ii. All had a different jesus, but, in every Case, jesus was Their Boy.

    III. i. I rolled My eyes, & as I knew the Actual Jesus would want Me to, decided to Straighten the Whole Thing Out. ii. so, without any Effort, I Scribed an Epistle to the Editor. iii. despite My blurry Eyes and bleary Brain, I felt It to be Good, especially the Line about 2000 Years being too long to Stay Fooled.

    IV. i. I posted It, & to My surprise, They published It with Triple Stars, which Meant that, though They didn’t necessarily Countenance such Old-Time Blasphemous Heresy, They felt My Words would stir some Shit, & that My Satanic Spewings were Reasonably Well Constructed. ii. the 3 Stars also ensured Me a Place at the 3-Star Letter-Writer’s Banquet, & all the tough roast beef that I could chew, at Some Point, in Some Hotel, in the Vaguely Indefinite Future. iii. all told, It seemed a fine 5 Minute’s Work, & so I Called It Cool, then Kicked Back to Anticipate a Mailbox full of Good Hate Mail, and maybe a Burning Cross or 2.

    V. i. a few Daya later, when I thought that I had been Forgotten, (no Promises of Hellfire for Me, or the Likes of Me, had shown up in the Paper, or My Box) I got 2 letters with Unfamiliar Markings, & Knew, by their Vibrations, They had Something to do with jesus. ii. the First was from a Woman Who Wrote: 'CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR LETTER!”’ & told Me She Knew What I Meant about Looking in the Mirror. She signed Herself proudlt as an EX-CHURCH MEMBER. iii. I figured It had to be a Fluke, & opened the Next Envelope. iv. It was from Another Woman, Who Wrote on Recycled Paper, & enclosed a SASE, that I might Write & recommend Holy Books of Truth to Her. further, She spake, & said, unto Me that She had Faith in My Faithlessness.

    VI. i. I Wrote each a Reply, & tosses in some Pertinent Poetry: sufficient to hearten Sincerity, but much more than enough to discourage Lukewarm Curiosity.

    VII. i. weeks have passed, & No One has offered to Crucify Me yet. ii. I think I confused Them. iii. I usually do, whenever I Come Back Again.

The poem originally appeared in the v5 September 1993 (“Shades of Gray”) issue of cc&d magazine.

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