NURSERY RHYMES FOR NERDS
PART II:
Typing on Keyboards In Bars
jason pettus
You ask me, “Why are you always pulling your computer out at bars and typing on it like some big ol’ nerd?”
Because I AM a nerd! I’ve been one since I was seven years old! Jesus Christ, can’t you see that?
And when I was lumbering on my eight color, grey boxed, green screen, 4K, didn’t even have a disk drive 1979 TRS-80,
it was like an epiphany.
When I ten and programmed my own Dungeons and Dragons game,
it was like I was walking on clouds.
When I was thirteen and taught myself assembly code,
it was like I had my hand curled around the lever of the world, and at any time I could... (yanks imaginary lever)
Why do I type on my keyboard in bars? Because computers were the end-all be-all for me, don’t you see, it was the place where I could be the person I always knew I was, deep inside, where I could be the person who I knew I WOULD be, someday.
And you -- yes, you! -- called me a faggot
And you -- yes, you! -- beat me up
And you -- yes, yes, you! -- took out the girl I wanted to take to prom
and fucked her in your backseat
against her will
and made her cry
and made her bleed
and I... typed
And when I had an Internet account in 1986 and you were walking by the dorm’s computer lab on your way to another fraternity party and another beer bong and another fag bashing and another date rape and another football riot and you said to your friend “Look at the fuckin’ geeks” and laughed... didn’t you realize that I could hear you? Didn’t you realize that I would remember?
And when we work together now, when we stand around a conference room on the 40th floor on some building that was de signed by a nerd and built by a laborer and rented by... you... when you discuss fighting fires and killing the messenger and falling on your own sword, when you clap me on the back and laugh and invite me for a beer with you on Friday evenings and act like everything is so chummy and like college never happened, like some bad fucking dream... well, don’t you realize that I could hear you? Don’t you realize that I would remember?
Don’t you realize that I can still hear you, yelling and screaming all the way up and down Lincoln Avenue, where YOU still call me a faggot and YOU still beat me up, and YOU, yes, YOU, still fuck the girls in your backseat?
Why do I type on my keyboard in bars? Because I CAN! Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but slo 1wly and surely I am taking over. Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but now I’M the one on stage, ranting and raving about computers, and YOU’RE the one who paid five bucks to SEE me rant and rave about computers. Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but I’m writing the books you read, I’m recording the music you listen to, I’m making the films you watch, I own the skyboxes of your precious sports arenas, I TOOK your job and I’m DRINKING your liquor and I’m SMOKING your cigars and yes, I’m FUCKING your WOMEN!
Wait, excuse me.
I’m tenderly making love to your women in a way you can only dream of.
Why do I type on my keyboard in bars? I’ve always been typing on my keyboard in bars. You’re just noticing it for the first time.
