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how men should put their pants on



james sullivan



\pThere’s a proper way to put your pants on. Here it is: first, retrieve your trousers from the closet, door knob, or floor where you dropped them last night. Shake them several times to smooth the wrinkles out, to ensure the pants legs are not twisted, and to remove foreign objects. Now, set those pants neatly on the bed, chair, or floor. You’ve got to don your underwear before anything else.
\pGood, you should have clean and unholey underclothing on now. At least, your mother and I hope you do. Next, sit on your bed, chair, or floor and put your socks and shoes on. Why socks? Because they are kind and gentle on your feet. So are shoes. But why before pants? To dust off your shoes as you put them through your pants legs and to give you better balance when you stand on one foot to pull the opposite pant leg up.
\pExcellent, you now ought to have your footwear on. And it’s highly recommended that you tie the laces securely at this time, too. Trust me. Bending over is much, much easier with your pants off.
\pNow, grab your pants again. Stand up and hold them with your two hands, one on either side of the pants waist. Allow your pants to fall neatly in a heap just in front of you. But don’t take your hands off them. Elevate the clothing a little off the floor, lift your left leg, put it into the left pant leg, and pull that side of your pants up as you balance yourself on your right leg.
\pGreat. See how much easier it is to do that with your shoes on? So, hold that portion of your pants up with your left hand, and place that left foot back on the floor. Next, lift your right leg as high as it will go and carefully step into your right pant leg, pushing your right leg through until it touches the floor, as you pull that side of your pants up with your right hand. At this point, you should be holding the right and left side or your pants at the waist.
\pOkay, then, pull, button, snap, hook, tie, or do whatever the contraption requires to secure the two sides of your pants together. Your next step is to reach down with your right hand, regardless of which hand is dominant, and grab the lever at the bottom of your fly. Making sure that all pants material, and everything else, that should be inside is, delicately, but firmly, pull your zipper up to the top and fold the lever down to lock in place.
\pIf you have a fly that’s not zippered, but buttoned, just start buttoning from the bottom and work your way to the top. If you have neither a zipper nor buttons, you may have a serious problem, and you’d better see a good tailor soon.
\pWith your fly closed, you can put a belt on if you like. On the other hand, your pants may have an elastic waist band, which negates the need for a belt.
\pThe last step is to push in all your pockets to make sure they are not hanging outside your trousers. Also check for pocket holes at this time. Then inspect your pants cuffs, if you have any, to see that they’re not turned down.
\pIf you’re going to put a shirt on next, and I hope you do, you’ll find it easier to unhook your pants, re-open your fly, and drop your pants a little. Then spread your legs apart to prevent your pants from falling all all the way down. Now, put the shirt on, button it, tuck it into the pants, then hook them up again, and rezip your fly.
\pThey say that all men put their pants on the same way'one leg at a time. That’s a myth. Some men put their pants on two legs at a time. To do so, just sit on a bed, chair, or floor. Now scrunch up your pants so that when you hold them up in front of your eyes, you can see through both pants legs. When you have your pants like that, lift both your feet at the same time and stick them through the pants leg holes. Next, stand up on both feet and pull your pants up to the waist. The rest is the same as the one-leg-at-a-time procedure.
\pI assure you, there is no third way to put on your pants. Several people, however, have tried and failed, dislocating knees, hips, and even arms in the attempt. At the same time, pants have been ripped, punctured, and badly damaged in the process. And all for what? Some third way to put your pants on that just doesn’t exist.
\pTo keep your pants especially clean, you may wish to put them on while standing, not on the floor, but upon Some higher platform, so the pants never touch the floor, getting dirty there. Perhaps the best thing to stand on is a footstool. And you may wish to forgo having your shoes dusted and keeping your balance more easily by putting your shoes on after you’ve pulled on your pants while standing on that footstool.

\pIf you want to be weird like that, go ahead. Just don’t let anyone who knows better see you.

\pAnd now you know how to put your pants on.






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